| December 15, 2004 It still hasn’t hit me yet…
I’m at a total loss for words… Rest in Peace Dime! You’ll never know who you’ve influenced in a positive way! Rest in Peace!  Darrell Lance Abbott, a.k.a. Dimebag Darrell August 20, 1966 - December 8, 2004 (Photo: Gnarly Charlie / KNAC.com) |
| December 8, 2004 Got some more work done on me and Scotty’s
album…I think you’ll all dig it…It kinda’
sounds like “Crying on the Inside Clown”
but with many more hooks, Simon and Fucknuckle
harmonies, and some fucked up shit…I’m pretty
excited about it though…Its been fun and
I think that it will open a whole new door
up to you guys to see how fucked up songwriters
are…(Luckily, I’m not one…)…
Workin’ on a ton of new originals and covers for my acoustic nights…Some that may even shock you… Would like to give props to Bonk for putting together a great show and for the great turnout… Got some weird responses from last week’s rant…Maybe I’ll do another outline of one of my other tapes soon…Who knows… On to the subject at hand… Been a busy little bee…Of course, I’m a worker bee…I wouldn’t want to be the queen…Babies are stupid… It really sucks that I can’t always say what I really want to say to all of you…But, a tightrope is a very strange place to be…I’m pretty outspoken on most accounts but I really doubt if some of you truly know how I feel about certain subjects… There have been many clues I’ve conveniently left along the way whether it be in songs, rants, or other means of tomfoolery…And of course you won’t know because I don’t want to offend anymore than I already do… Some may call me a coward, pussy, or sex machine (oops…I meant to say wimp) for not doing so but I am the turtle that is patient and will hopefully win the race… And ladies, don’t forget my birthday is coming up in a few weeks…(I suggest handjobs or anything else that relates to my “little friend” throwing up wiener milk…Uh…When I said “Little friend”, I meant to say “Decent sized friend”…oh…who cares…it gets me off right? I’m not s’posed to care about your needs, right? I’m a big, rich, rock star…) Or something… I went back and read some old rants for the fuck of it… I kinda’ lost my sense of humor, didn’t I? Maybe…Maybe not…Maybe I just haven’t really taken the time to try as hard… Just like now…I’m in between 4 different menial tasks that “need” to be done…And I have a million more to do… I can’t quite focus…Maybe I need Zoloft…Or viagra…Or something…I can never figure out which pill is for what anyway…Why don’t they just say on the commercial “we work on yellow toenail fungus” or “take this for your burning peepee…” Why does it seem like every band has someone that wears a CBGB shirt? Odds are, they’ve never been there, never will be there, and don’t even play the type of music that the club hosts…I don’t own a CBGB shirt…But then again, I have no fashion sense at all… And lest we forget a bald guy in every band…oops…Ok…we have that one but ours is way cuter than everyone else’s… But have we got what we need? I’ve got what I need right now… The end of the day…The end of one chore…The end of it all… not death…Not yet… Even though it does seem that I’m really just working to make sure I have enough money to pay for my own funeral…Even if that sounds morbid, its really quite sweet…That way my family doesn’t have to pay for it…I would appreciate that if I were them…And of course if I don’t have enough for that, they can have a huge garage sale of all of my shit…It’s kind of like a thrift store…You might find some kind of treasure…At least a treasure to you…Like my comic books…Or my porn…Or my homemade porn…Or… Fuck it… There’s too much goin’ on right now… But my kitty loves me…And that’s all I need right now…Even though he’s cemented my opinion on children…Which is that I NEVER want any… ”Never say never”…Uh…FUCKING NEVER! Uh…Fuck it… I gotta’ go… Have a good one… |
| December 1, 2004 Ok…Sorry I’ve been slacking lately…I suppose
you’re all expecting a novel…What a novel
idea, eh?
Oops…There’s that Canadian “eh” again…Sorry Delmar… Lots to talk about…Lots to rave about…Lots to rant about…Lots of words that should be placed in front of the actual content to build suspense like these sentences here…(you like that shit, don’t ya’?) There are tons of things on my “little recorder” that I should bring out… But when will I ever shut up? At least I’m not like some other pudgy singers that I hate already and don’t even know…Who the fuck do you think you are? Anyway…Listening to my recorder right now…Let’s see what words of wisdom I had to say lately? Hmmm…I’m talking about intros to shows…Opening things…Skits…Damn, this tape is old…But what fun ideas…Like my Karate Kid opening…More later on this…Maybe you’ll see it in this lifetime…Maybe I’ll do it in this lifetime…Who knows… I miss the smell of a girl on my pillow… A joke band name…Gynosaur… All of my favorite rockstars are dead except for me… She always wants to say something so profound but she hasn’t found it yet… Drum ideas… Dumb lyrics… Its not that she wants to catch more bees with her honey…She wants to catch all of the bees… Drunken planet jarble… A new planet named “Sharon”? When will we see God? I’m brilliant because I summarize life… Most geniuses are unattractive… My life is cursed to naps… True geniuses are people that ask questions that nobody else has the nuts to ask… All the best dreams are unattainable…or they don’t pay no money… On a torture wheel, everbody’s top heavy… More song ideas… Demo ideas… Hatching schemes to get ahead in the biz… Actual taping of “Sleepwalkers”…Totally different than the way I recorded it… Funny how things change over time…Either on purpose or because I’m stupid… Just sitting listening makes me have more ideas to either put on tape or tape on tape…Does that make sense? Probably not… I’m always trying to multi-task…That’s how I fell into this whole singing farce… You would understand if you were me because you don’t understand why you’re you… Are you able to sleep at night? More cocky shit…It scares me how amazing I am sometimes…I wish I could bang myself…Not really… 20th of January…Martin wit’ some booty… Historical significance back before I thought that print was dead… I used to read…I read used books…I used to learn…Now I learn things that are already used… The swastika is a symbol for fertility in India… Banter and opinions about alternative lifestyles… Great irony about myself…I don’t have that much in common with that many people…Or at least I tell myself that…I can’t give or accept much from a conversation… I am just the fact checker that lives the life others may or may not want… Shit talkers…Talk shit…Its just that simple… I either have too many feelings or I don’t have any at all…Why is that? Its dying… I’m a hypochondriac when it comes to love… You take away a little more hope that is actually fuel for the desire to succeed more… I am recycled…Once crumpled up, it will never be exactly the same… Song ideas with palindromes… You’re a whore… Reminder to self… Let’s go somewhere where no one knows us so neither will have that sense of pride that you actually are showing the other person off to the world… Kettle ideas…Snare ideas…Song ideas…Video ideas…Bar ideas… Being a chauvinistic pig…This in no way condones violence towards women, just tell the bitch to shut up… Violence…Sex… A family tree of my flaws…One of these days… Pissed off rant…Some dirty whore cut me off…I was really mad…Fuck her… !You’ve heard it before…In a previous rant…Whore… We’re all too trusting…Rubber…can save lives… Healthy food can save lives…Don’t think about it…Stay stupid… Don’t be totally paranoid…Closer to the padded room… Blow me… Fatass Rush…Take Anti-lardass pills… Jokes…I’m bald…Got too of ‘em right here… Tom sings to me…What a country…A beautiful thing…Should be released on an album… Don’t steal any of my ideas even though I probably stole them from someone else subconsciously…Sorry… Tom still sings to me… Working with my announcing voice…What a poet…The next item up for bid is questioning things that I already know the answer to… *Philosophy of rest… Lick my ass… Trampon…You keep bleeding me…Please pass the bottle of period… t-shirt ideas… Please wear a rubber… AM/FM Mourning…ranting about how much Jets suck…I would rather listen to those Hawaiian kids than the ripoffs of today… Goddamn, I’m popular… I don’t want to fall in love…Nurses would be blessed to examine me… I’m so fuckin’ lazy…Just tuck it away… More breakthroughs in my psychosis…Too bad it’s me that is getting shrunk and being the shrink… I’m so alone…In the ghetto… The Majority of the people in the world are ugly…People are scum…I hate people…People make me sick…But I love my kitty… @The irony of Radio personalities: Michael McDonald singing the ABC song would be like heaven… Ghetto questions…You have to hear it to believe it…White t-shirts…No condoms, son! You lose all the feelin’! I don’t give change to anyone…I ask for change or a cigarette first so they’ll think I’m fucking crazy…If they only knew…You’d have to hear it to believe it…Get a job… Why am I wondering what I’m wondering when I already know the answer? Conducting experiments in the ‘hood…You owe me…I owe you? Thank you for holding the door…I’m still so popular… #Billboards can say it all…Dr. Fat…”The Weight is over”… My downfall…Pillars…Don’t trust anyone…Not even yourself… There is no such thing as a soul mate…As long as you’re pacified for the night, that’s all you need, right? Am I smothering some? Am I trying too hard for some… I have to slow down…Watch for deer…Watch for dear… Harry London…Good cookies or amazing adult film actor? A lot less stress… Feel like dog shit…Took the day off… 3 Strikes and you’re out? Probably…But you might be able to pinch hit later… Get the leen on… Future plans with theories of isolation… Drink and smoke it out or get some rest? SMOKE…DRINK… $The obesity issue…of course… Singing to myself…and I’m not even in the shower…Maybe because I bathe… I sound like Luther Vandross when I want to… I’m not really a skeptic, I’m just a “believing epileptic”… Confusing bumper stickers…Please someone tell me… Acting like I can’t hear someone so I don’t have to talk to them…I’m so horrible… More lines…It’s snowing again… Cliff is the king…I love singles… Keep talking shit about me… Most stereotypes are true… Money is the most important thing in the fucking world… More obesity… Everyone looks good from far away…I can’t wait for corrective laser eye surgery… The states of America cuz we’re not really United anymore… I caught her eyes…I’ll cauterize her wound… !The previous rant can be found on Sept. 23, 2003 @The irony of radio personalities is as simple as this: Most don’t have a good personality…Ha…And they have to bribe their listeners or hire actors because its way too unbelievable that anyone in the world actually thinks those motherfuckers are funny…How can these fucks have a job? With their fake ass voices and laughs…They’re so retarded that I can’t even make fun of them…Fucks… Cheesedicks that aren’t funny…Radio sucks dick…We’re forced to listened to garbage all of the time…Instead of the FCC worrying about our defenseless little morals being tainted, why don’t they worry about shitty music being pounded down our throats by fuckwad djs that probably don’t know shit about music because they’re too busy writing their 5th grade jokes that wouldn’t even make a 2nd grader laugh…Fucks… Canned laughter…Go ahead and laugh! It’s ok to do that, but why would I when nothing is funny except for the fact that you’re trying to lump me in with the zombies that listen to the applause sign… *The Philosophy of rest for me…I find that I don’t think that we really “know” how to sleep…I think that when our bodies get tired enough that our brain has somehow trained us to find a certain spot on our bodies that sort of turns off our switch…Sometimes when I lie on my side and put my head in my hands, I feel like sleeping more than I would if I were in the fetal position crying like normal…Just kidding…Some people’s spots are on their backs…A minute spot on their back that allows total relaxation and real rest… My relaxation is finding ways to avoid relaxation… But seriously…I think we have a switch…Some people have more switches than others…Some people’s brains have taught them exactly where those switches are so that its not a big deal to go to sleep for them…I, on the other hand, have realized that my switches are moving constantly and I can never seem to get a handle on them…If only my switch to go to sleep was my penis…Then I could get some rest since I have a handle on that all of the time… I’m broken…Are you? Does this explain anything to you? Like how fucked up I am? Nah…Just another tidbit that I’ve created in my head and convinced myself is true because of the pedestal that I’ve created, built, and have been stranded on for so many years… #May 19, 2004 can explain this pound sign… $Of course you can find this (marked with the almighty dollar sign) on July 6, 2004 I just realized that this “rant” is pretty much a “greatest hits” rant like they do on stupid ass sitcoms when they don’t want to do a show and they just show clips… Sorry…And you’re welcome…Don’t ever forget… Just a tiny glimpse into side one of a collection… Have a great week! |
| November 7, 2004 Have you ever really read lyrics? Do you
know how dirty and bad some lyrics can be?
Do you know how deceiving some lyrics can
be? Do you know how miserable singers or
lyricists usually are? Look between the lines…Some
of my favorites are the lyrics to “King for
a day, fool for a lifetime” by Faith no more…If
you knew the story (or at least the story
that I heard, you’d gasp…Not because you
were shocked, just because you should gasp…)…I
really also enjoy every single group of letters
I’ve put together in neat little stanzas…Not
Costanzas, Hesskestein, Nicholsberg, and
Tom…
What do you really mean when you say to someone “I love him/her to death, BUT…”…Do you ever feel really cheated? Do you ever feel that you think you know but in reality, you don’t have a clue? This is my entire existence…My paranoia is getting worse and worse every day that I’m stuck sucking in oxygen into the corroded lungs that make me lose my breath for some reason…I don’t know a goddamn thing…I know what’s really going on but then again, I don’t…Huh? I know what the fuck you’re all looking at…What? What did you say? I heard you all whispering about me… I have to check my lock 3 times before leaving and then I still think about all of the Popsicle stick sculptures in my apartment that I’ve made and how all of you want to get your hands on them and sell them on the Popsicle stick sculpture black market…I know…Don’t think I don’t see through your façade… Or…I’m developing some handy habits that could lead to OCD…Isn’t that the show on Fox with all the hot bitches on the beach? Oh no…I was thinking about the “Parkers: Episode Super Size: The Parkers go to the Acapulco Health Spa”…Yum…The parkers…More disgusting “Americans”… Do you ever think that most lyricists are actually pirates that want their treasure to be found but they have to make the map a little difficult to read just because that’s their personality? Its true…At least it is right fucking now because I’m saying it…Look at how cynical most songwriters are…Look at how they act in real life…Refer back to a rant some months ago where I described a few different types of singers/songwriters… But I forgot about the really talented ones, of course…Or you could realize that I talk and type out of my ass(which kind of makes my keyboard stink like shit)… Which one do you prefer? I’m gonna’ go heat up a Big Buford…Since I’m such a lard ass I’ll heat up my Big Buford…No sexual undertones here…Just gonna’ throw the leftover sandwich I have in the Oven of the 90’s because I’m a porker… Mmmm…That was yummy…So…What the fuck did you fuckers say about me while I was gone? Not telling, eh? Oh well…Fuck you…I’ll just write a song about you but I’ll hide the meaning in the sand just enough that you won’t be able to dig yourself out of it… Look at real meaning…Like what Oderus Urungus of Gwar sings about…I love Gwar…They rock…They’re fun…But then again…So is fucking…Or so I’ve heard… Remember, I’m “waiting”… I would so much like to be beautiful in the eyes of others…And not necessarily in the outside physical appearance…Unfortunately, that will never happen…In my own mind…It might be true in your eyes…But not in mine…And that is just another rib in the condom of the fucking of myself…I’m sorry…But it sure feels good, doesn’t it? There is so much that I have to offer…I just can’t do it…Why, you ask? Or…Maybe…Why do I have to sit through that fuckin’ cat eating hot dogs and popcorn before a movie? Well…You really don’t have to do either…Ask, or sit through that shit… So don’t…Even though I have to check my lock over and over again before I leave, the key will always be in my pocket and my pocket alone…Don’t bother looking under the mat…That’s my heart anyway… And I’d like to thank everyone in the world for helping me shape my views: good or bad… Just don’t always believe what you read, see, hear, or feel…Because everyone’s gonna’ be watching out no matter how close or far away… But the best part about this rant is that you might think you know what the fuck I’m talking about…But then you should probably realize that you’re not even close to the treasure… Keep looking for the X…It might mark the spot…But odds are it is just a target that I’ve painted on myself for everyone to take aim at… |
| October 31, 2004 Let’s get retarded…Let’s get stupid in here…Let’s
get political…
So I added a poll on the message board…A few have already voted…Last week was interesting…Everywhere I went, I actually asked people who they were gonna’ vote for…Quite a landslide of the opinions that I received…Only one person said the opposite… And I will not tell you who I’m voting for because I’m not gonna’ vote…I’ll tell you why I’m not voting later…But at this juncture, the 1,000 points of light will be the focus… Do you read the papers? I don’t…I don’t know the last time I read a “news”paper… Do you watch the “news”? I don’t…I don’t know the last time I watched the “news”… What are you sources that base your opinion on current events? Is it water cooler opinions that sway you from others that watch the news and read the paper? Have you formed your own opinions from watching and reading yourself? Or have you been extremely affected by current events? Many have…Many haven’t…Many believe that have even though they haven’t…Many believe they haven’t even though they have… Have I? That’s for me to decide and I won’t tell you whether or not I think I have…And its not because I’m a pussy or a coward…It is simply for reasons that will be later in the rant… But back to last week…I’m wondering a few things about this upcoming election: We all hear how close of a race it is from our wonderful media sources but I’m not sure if they’re accurate…And here’s why…They say the race is neck and neck…Every single person except for one said they were swaying a certain way…So many people I’ve talked to are voting for a certain person…The “polls” that “they” take to give us the figure in the first place isn’t really described enough to make me believe that info is true… The people that take those polls are the full on people that are totally gung ho about the upcoming decision…Those are the people that have and always will be first in line to put their opinion in the hopper…But I think this time will be different…The young people don’t have time for that shit…But I think they will on Tuesday…I think there will be a sneak attack of so many more people that don’t usually or have never voted this Tuesday…The young people are hiding in their foxholes ready for the attack in my opinion…I could be wrong but I don’t know how I couldn’t be right… And the reason I’m taking the supposed journalist approach is for a few different reasons…Because I just want to dance… But seriously… You can do whatever you want to on Tuesday…I’m not gonna’ try to sway you either which way…I’m not gonna’ tell you who I would vote for if I was…I’m not gonna’ get on my soapbox and preach to you who the best candidate for the job will be…I’m not gonna’ endorse anyone except for myself… For reasons a while ago, I never voted because I didn’t want to go to jury duty…I don’t want to play God in that arena…But I heard they changed that whether you register to vote or not…And I saw that Pauly Shore movie and figure I’d either get saddled with a dick like that or I’d end up being that dick… The other reason I’m not going to do any of that is because of exactly what Howard said the other morning…He was talking about all of the musicians that are coming forward encouraging everyone to vote on Tuesday and shit…And that’s fine and dandy…That’s their shit…But the truth of the conversation was this: What happened to the days when rockstars didn’t give a fuck about anything…That’s what made them rockstars…They didn’t have anything on their agendas except for rockin’ out, bangin’ chicks, and doing whatever excesses come with the territory that puts them on the pedestal they are on in so many people’s eyes…And I’m not saying I’m a rockstar (even though I said it many times in WVA last weekend in a drunken state just to check some bitches…Skin to win…) So that’s why I’m not voting…that’s why I’m not putting my hat in the ring…That’s why I’m not gonna’ tell you who to vote for…You have to make that decision on your own…Or don’t…I don’t really give a fuck…I just want to concentrate on being a rockstar…Fuck it… Good luck to whoever you want to have good luck…I don’t care…And good luck to me… Welp…Gotta’ go rock, bang bitches, and whatever else I should be doing… VOTE FOR DONLEY! |
| October 24, 2004 Goddamn, we’re broke…
What it takes to run a rock and roll band is exciting… Hatching new ideas to try and make some money to keep the rock machine rolling is truly an exercise in futility… Here’s a few ideas we’ve come up with…Tell me what you think: 1. Sindust Asian Prostitute Ring…Sure we’ve had this idea for a couple of years now but have never gone through with it…Look at the facts though…For only $2,000, you can get yourself a nice Asian girl and you should be able to make the money back in about 2 days…The paperwork is a bitch though… 2. The good ‘ol trusty Sindust bake sale…Unfortunately, we don’t do drugs so we really can’t offer any good “snacks” that would take the county by storm…(Little Debbie watch out in the future…) 3. Sindust Kissing Booth…Ok…Nevermind…We wouldn’t make any money doing that… 4. Sindust Calendar…Do ya’ think the ladies would love a picture of me in my fireman’s uniform? Tom as a construction worker…Maybe A-hole as an electrician…And Lego as a West Virginian…(Just kidding Lego..)…Probably not… 5. A big show that would take too much effort and time to put together with not enough help…Nevermind on that one…I’d rather place all of my chips on the Browns… 6. Sindust Home Neutering Kit…Licensed with a stamp of approval from moi’…Maybe it could work… 7. Sindust Turkey Basters…For any holiday or inseminating you may have to do this year… 8. Sindust Maid for a day service…Of course, Tom or A-hole would take the lead on this venture since they’re both so anal…Those crazy kids just love to clean… 9. Sindust phone sex line…Have you ever heard me talk dirty…It is truly a sound you will never be able to get out of your head…Sounds kind of like a chicken… 10. Or we can go steady and by the skin of our balls like we have been…Diligently working on the new record, playing a few shows here and there and struggling as much as ever…But the new, new, new songs are really coming together nicely…Like my mustache… Of course “they” say the bands that can make it through the battle can possibly win the war…But they also say “Do you mind if we dance wif’ yo’ dates”… Funny stories about a few quality bands as of late…Almost getting in the business of throwing towels and then something happens…I don’t even have any towels…Believe me, this can be stressful when you have to use toilet paper to dry off after a shower…or just drip dry like the dishes… Steady she goes… Go…the cars will stop…Just go… Other than that…I’ve been up to the same shenanigans as I always am…And I promise that as soon as the Sindust record is done, I will be finishing up Crying on the Inside Clown as well as a little treat that Vladdy and I had fun working on…A sad Mexican love letter from hell will have you weeping in your tequila…I promise… And I hate to make my sponsor proud, but I haven’t even had much time to drink lately…Just kidding…Not about the drinking part; I really haven’t…I was talking about the sponsor part…I guess I’m just too risky to sponsor…Whatever the fuck that means… A good 12 step program is what I need…even though I’m not sure I actually need 12 steps…How about 6 fuckin’ lottery numbers…That would solve everything, right? Because you all know that money can buy you happiness…or at least the hottest bitches…and your way out of jail…and a new Berettalade…And a home studio…And a few more Asian Prostitutes…I’m tellin’ ya’…If I had the resources, I’d be a fuck of an entrepreneur… I know I’ve been taking it a little easy in some of your eyes as of late but I really haven’t…I’ve been fuckin’ as busy as a Sindust Asian Prostitute… Wasn’t Saturday night fun though? We brought out a bunch of those new, new, new songs that I was talking about…But there’s more… And of course I’ve been really inspired as of late for some reason…I’ve been writing like crazy and learning a ton of shit for my acoustic nights…it’ll be a hoot…trust me… or don’t…Your call… Does anyone want to take me by the hand and take me to where I need to be? This is an actual invitation…Please respond…RSVP…Does anyone know what that means? I’d be curious to bet that a lot of you don’t…Just remember that the French are assholes… There will some interesting fun tidbits on the internet very soon to whet your appetites for pictures of me in a speedo… Or not… who knows… See ya’ soon kitten… Cuddles… |
Happy Sweetest Day…everyone…
Especially American Greetings, Hallmark, FTD, Fanny Farmer, Godiva, Vermont Teddy Bear, The most absurd thing I’ve ever heard from those fucks that try to get you to buy a star, and most of all, everyone…
Have a good one…
A better rant next week…I promise…
Especially American Greetings, Hallmark, FTD, Fanny Farmer, Godiva, Vermont Teddy Bear, The most absurd thing I’ve ever heard from those fucks that try to get you to buy a star, and most of all, everyone…
Have a good one…
A better rant next week…I promise…
Does anything matter?
I like what I do, but I’m very envious of others that do things that I think would be fun…
There are so many little cliques that we’re not allowed in and I’m not totally sure why…I guess its because we’re not totally pissed at the world all of the time (or pretending to be so we can scream in every song)…Melody kills…apparently…
but at least their feet are moving…at least they’re acting like they’re moving…They’re not all looking down at their hands while the feet are firmly planted in the same place during the entire death of melody…
What is the key?
Total arrogance even if you can’t back it up? Self-esteem sucks…my own ears suck…My toilet’s pressure can suck down your arm if you don’t watch out…
There isn’t much hope in alliances…There isn’t much hope in hope…But up with hope and down with dope…
We’ve always been the outcasts…Totally…We’ve always been the band you love to hate…We’re the band that you say hello to and then talk shit about behind our backs…We’ve always been the band that are the darlings of priests, chubby girls, and sheep…We’ve always been the band that locked themselves out from the cliques…
Because of paranoia perhaps? Because of reality? Maybe…But I don’t think we’ve really locked ourselves out…I’ve think we’ve been locked out…And that’s fine…
For a few simple reasons (that it is fine):
We have ourselves and that’s pretty cool to me…We have a great time together…
We have those of you that do believe and enjoy what we do…And we have a great time together…
It may not be much to some but that’s ok with me…I’ll take friends over trendy cliques that could harm us more than hurt us…
It is true that we’re stubborn bastards that may have too much melody…We may not write every song to be a pissed off anthem for the next generation that doesn’t realize that the idols up on the pedestals were (dare I say it)seniors when the were in 5th grade…
But there are so many twists and turns to take into account…
Like why the position that we’re in could be worse…Being the band that you love to hate just makes it that much better if we change your mind…If we don’t, then it was never meant to be…
I try to make new “friends” but it really is hard…I find that I don’t have that much in common with too many people…Especially when I don’t really want to take the time to create new memories with people in the “cool crowd” that will understand inside jokes and our sense of humor…I’ve kind of realized that we are different…We are the minority…Not because we’re Irish-German, Lebonese and German, Irish and Indian, and West Virginian (just kidding, Lego)…Or whatever the fuck we all are…We’re the minority because we apparently bring it on ourselves…We enjoy our own brand of branding…We can see the talons before they even come out…
I…I…I…Have developed a stutter…
Have I said any of this before?
We’ll form our own army? A small army…But we’ll have the best food in the mess hall…Nothing really matters…Except for Urkel on Family Matters…
I like what I do, but I’m very envious of others that do things that I think would be fun…
There are so many little cliques that we’re not allowed in and I’m not totally sure why…I guess its because we’re not totally pissed at the world all of the time (or pretending to be so we can scream in every song)…Melody kills…apparently…
but at least their feet are moving…at least they’re acting like they’re moving…They’re not all looking down at their hands while the feet are firmly planted in the same place during the entire death of melody…
What is the key?
Total arrogance even if you can’t back it up? Self-esteem sucks…my own ears suck…My toilet’s pressure can suck down your arm if you don’t watch out…
There isn’t much hope in alliances…There isn’t much hope in hope…But up with hope and down with dope…
We’ve always been the outcasts…Totally…We’ve always been the band you love to hate…We’re the band that you say hello to and then talk shit about behind our backs…We’ve always been the band that are the darlings of priests, chubby girls, and sheep…We’ve always been the band that locked themselves out from the cliques…
Because of paranoia perhaps? Because of reality? Maybe…But I don’t think we’ve really locked ourselves out…I’ve think we’ve been locked out…And that’s fine…
For a few simple reasons (that it is fine):
We have ourselves and that’s pretty cool to me…We have a great time together…
We have those of you that do believe and enjoy what we do…And we have a great time together…
It may not be much to some but that’s ok with me…I’ll take friends over trendy cliques that could harm us more than hurt us…
It is true that we’re stubborn bastards that may have too much melody…We may not write every song to be a pissed off anthem for the next generation that doesn’t realize that the idols up on the pedestals were (dare I say it)seniors when the were in 5th grade…
But there are so many twists and turns to take into account…
Like why the position that we’re in could be worse…Being the band that you love to hate just makes it that much better if we change your mind…If we don’t, then it was never meant to be…
I try to make new “friends” but it really is hard…I find that I don’t have that much in common with too many people…Especially when I don’t really want to take the time to create new memories with people in the “cool crowd” that will understand inside jokes and our sense of humor…I’ve kind of realized that we are different…We are the minority…Not because we’re Irish-German, Lebonese and German, Irish and Indian, and West Virginian (just kidding, Lego)…Or whatever the fuck we all are…We’re the minority because we apparently bring it on ourselves…We enjoy our own brand of branding…We can see the talons before they even come out…
I…I…I…Have developed a stutter…
Have I said any of this before?
We’ll form our own army? A small army…But we’ll have the best food in the mess hall…Nothing really matters…Except for Urkel on Family Matters…
| October 5, 2004 I played God again…
I played God again… I played God again… Sometimes you have to feel bad to make things better…I guess…In my own mind, I made things better by playing God…It might not have been the best thing for a certain subject at hand, but I was selfish… How selfish…How selfish…Will he ever know? Will he ever know what he’s missing out on? Is he just like the rest? I played God again… I played God again… I played God again… I’ve played God so many times in so many instances that I’ve lost track…I’ve lost count… Do you play God? How about Scrabble? Zephyr is a great score if you get it on the triple word score… I hope I’m not hated…I don’t seem to be yet…I’m not sure anything even changed in the mind of the subject…Maybe he’ll thank me…Maybe he’ll hate me….Maybe he’ll act like nothing is wrong and then do some evil shit to me when I don’t know…But I doubt it… I played God again… I played God again… I played God again… Just like I’m doing now…I’m writing the words that you’ll all read now…Now, keep in mind that you don’t have to read whatever is here, but somehow you find yourself fascinated with what is here…Like watching people eat shit on Fear Factor…Like looking at someone that has some kind of deformity…Like watching Sindust…Probably because of the deformities… Someone else played God again… Someone else played God again… Someone else played God again… Someone thought it would be great to create something that would destroy a tool I use to get to all of you…Just like humans…Build to destroy… Use once and destroy…Destroy everything that you’ve already destroyed… Like hope…Destroy all hope…How? Why? Why not…You might as well…someone else is probably playing God with your life right now…Maybe even God… What do you think? Do you have control of the strings? Do you have total control? It is very doubtful because, we should face it that no one really has TOTAL control… My hair just will not cooperate with me…I hate my hair…Someone is pulling the strings to make me even more undesirable…Lucky for me that I’m playing God again… Second after second…Minute after minute…Hour after hour…Time after time (cyndi lauper sang that…not very well, but why does it even need to be good? Someone will just play God and tell you what you’ll listen to anyway…)…Day after day…Week after week… or maybe no one is playing God…We’re all just pulling whatever rank it is we have…How do we get our rank? I’ve found a few different ways…If you can think of any more, tell me… 1. You’re born into the rank that you have 2. You work hard and get the rank that you have 3. You’re accidentally thrust into the rank that you have… So what do you do when you finally uncover the true nature of your rank? Either go with it, or against it… So much time is spent on shit that doesn’t mean a thing…I look up at this screen and it seems like forever…But it never fucking ends…It will never end until I go awol… Is anything at all necessary? *(next week maybe) Is your rank necessary? Yes, it is…You have to know your role…That way you can either run, ruin, or go with the flow… I’m just a dumb nazi-mafia face…(a name that I laugh about but not all of the time because sometimes it is true…)… I apologize to my band if I’m hard to handle sometimes…I try to be the Light-hearted Captain though…Not Captain Crunch…I try to rally the troops…I try to keep everyone excited about Carmen Electra visiting us for the USO show… I don’t know what role I want…I know I don’t want rolls anymore…I’m a fat fuck… |
| September 29, 2004 I was so pissed off on Sunday.That I won't
even waste me time looking back.
I'm not gonna' talk any more shit.I'm not gonna' bitch about it.Another lesson learned.I'm not gonna' dwell on it.Now I just have another check by someone's name in my contacts that I have no need to talk to in this lifetime.ever again.And there's so much more that I can say but I won't because this person is now on the Fuck you list.We're not pawns, bitch. Been workin' on the new album.I can't wait for the nyahs.I can't wait until its done.I will guarantee that you will love it.I can't get some of the shit out of my head.I haven't listened to the miserable radio for 3 days.Just been replaying the entire disc in my head. I didn't think that I could make things more obvious.Sometimes, the most obvious things make the least sense. Do I have a target on my chest? Maybe I should.Maybe I should help everyone clean the gun. Where the fuck is time going? I can't even keep up in Dear Diary.I'll finally catch up and the next thing you know, a week has gone by and I have to remember what the fuck I did the previous week.Have I already mentioned this? GO GET THE NEW USED CD! So I found out that my higher power (just a figure of speech.kinda' like my dumb speech teacher.It was a very weird class having a speech teacher that couldn't talk)is coming to town for a poetry reading. I had a quick flash of excitement.I had a quick relapse of a dream being even more perfect by having one of my heroes uncovering the needle in the haystack in the city that smells like the manure pond. Billy Corgan is one of my main influences in the world when it comes to songwriting.Just look at what he's put out.So much material, and I love it all.So much that I can't even keep up with it all.He's coming to town in October right up the street. Siamese Dream is the greatest album of all time.Of course in my opinion.But its also my opinion that the world is full of many wolves.Many wolves in Fubu gear. Took my special boy to the Vet today.My special boy will be getting his nuts chopped off on Monday.Do you think that's cruel? I don't.I wish that I was someone else's so they could take me to get fixed. My computer is fucked up.More miserable humans in this world feel it necessary to ruin other people's fun. What the fuck am I doing? I'm pedaling.But I don't even have a basket on my bike. When will I get a raise in life? (not in my pants.) Are you pulling for me or pushing against? Gotta' go.Tired of the same old shit.Next week will be cool.I promise.I promise. That's the story I've been given so I'll give it back. |
| September 22, 2004 Preface:
I had so much fun this past weekend that my cheeks still hurt (and not from stuffing them either since I’m such a big, fat lardass!)… Who ever thought that Journey could bring out the best in everyone? I did…and Tommy did…And A-hole did…And Lego did…And Steve Perry did…(and thanks for your help Cock monger!) Got a new tattoo today…It’s a picture of Steve Perry…Just kidding…Joe Perry… A pretty good weekend…Couple of good shows…Good turnouts (66.6% of the time)….Worked on my kicks…Only fell off the stage once…(No one even noticed…That’s pro!)… Face How come most sitcoms aren’t funny at all? I think the laugh track makes it even worse… I’ve been perfecting about 22 different laughs in the past few years…I think I could be hired to be on a laugh track that will be played at precisely the exact moment that the kids all fall into the pool while washing the dog (hahahahahahahaahahah!)…Or maybe when the clever guy with way too much wit quips with “And you’re supposed to use a toaster?”…hahahahahahahahah….ha fuckin’ ha… But that’s ok… To each his own…There just aren’t that many good things anymore…I’m getting old…In some respects that’s a very good thing (uh…because is already knocking…and my balls “dropped” for some reason last week…Is that normal?)…In other aspects, that’s very bad (uh…Can’t really think of any off hand)…But there are way too many good things right now… Huh? Ally said it best when she proclaimed that turning into your parents is “inevitable”…When you get old, your heart dies…What do ya’ think? Do you find yourself placing a considerable amount of scorn on the generations after you when it comes to anything that has to do with the ridiculous pop culture that we convince ourselves brings us joy? (goddamn, that’s a long sentence…Change it! I’ll have to give myself a C- on that sentence…Oh well…Who the fuck cares? I write for spite…and tang…at least nowadays kids don’t even learn how to write sentences…Just to smoke weed and get each other pregnant…Just kidding…)…I do sometimes (place scorn, that is)…Especially when it comes to cartoons…But also when it comes to chewin’ tobacky…Why did Levi Garrett have so much more flavor when I was 6? I’m not gonna’ bring up music because things and trends change so much every year that I have to realize (and I do) that times do change when it comes to that…Luckily, most of the radio stations that are skipped on my dial don’t worry about this at all because they’re still stuck in the 90’s…when the programmers were in college and all the time wearing flannel, that was a time that no one can forget…That’s all good too because there’s obviously a market…I just don’t shop there…I’ve got a Tops bonus card (I’m close to getting enough points to get a free ham!) I guess that’s part of the reason that I have no “style”…I don’t really dress the part of a rock star or anything like that (even though I am an egomaniac and want all of the attention…whatever…But thank you all that come see Sindust (featuring Zac from Full Service…and Sindust(featuring Aaron from some band on the way down…Just kidding…You know I love you…)…and then there’s just Tom and I of Vyle and Chisel!…Rock!)…I don’t think I do…I don’t really shop at all…I hate shopping…my wardrobe would be so bare if it weren’t for fruit of the loom pocket t’s…And that’s fine…Why, you ask? Here’s my “synopsis” of perhaps part of this reason: In “our” (I say “our” loosely because I’m assuming that most of you reading this are in my generation: Generation A Cup*(check out this tidbit later!), do you remember the different fashion trends that came and went faster than Trixter? Sure, its fun to look back and remember how you felt when you put on your torn, fishnet shirt with stonewashed jeans, cranking out the Hysteria, and chewin’ on Astropops, but don’t you cringe a little? I would’ve loved to have been born a little earlier so that I could’ve been in one of the 80’s hair metal cock rock bands…It just seemed like fun to me…Sluts everywhere…Coke everywhere…Pepsi if you wanted it…And parties every day (after rocking and rolling all night, right Paul?)… I don’t want to cringe…I know that I will…It is inevitable…But the less ammo I have to fire upon myself in the future, the better…So, I just dress the way I dress…Nothing more, nothing less…(Keep your eye out for me in a wedding dress soon, though!) *Does it seem like young girls these days are way hotter than they were when we were in school? Tom has a theory about something that’s in the water…Young boobies are often brought up as an interesting topic in the van on the way to shows…(Right before the Steve Perry/Journey Karaoke Jamboree)…Just thought that I should bring that topic up because boobies are always fun to talk about…Or maybe I should be locked up for being a potential sexual predator…Its ok…I don’t think it should be against the law if you’re terrible at it…Just kidding…Seriously…I’m kidding…Please don’t use the lopsided fun side of the brain as bricks in a faulty foundation… Times, they do-a-change…I used to watch some sitcoms…when I was young and dumb…(of course, now I’m just retarded and dumb)…and of course, not as full of cum…(thank you sexy Tube Sock!) The laugh track programmed my young, growing mind that the shit that was on the tit tube was actually funny so I guess I did the always traditional half-assed fake laugh (maybe to cover up the fact that either I: a. didn’t get the joke b. didn’t think the joke was funny but didn’t want to even be bothered by others watching the shit program asking “Don’ you get it?”…Uh…yeah…I get it…your head should be in a toilet bowl…Douche… or c. maybe thought that it was funny and back then a “half-assed” laugh can make up for my “full-ass” lardass laugh(s) that I have now… Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten that tattoo today…Or any for that matter…Will I look back and cringe? Probably not because I don’t have any on my backside…(that’s funny…think about it…”Will I look back and cringe?” Go ahead and look behind you and over your shoulder…that’s what I meant…You smell Tube sock!)…But…In the future, will I regret getting whatever it is that I have neatly placed into my flesh with a needle and ink? I don’t think so…Honestly, I don’t really pay attention anymore…Kinda’ like shitcoms nowadays… or am I right? Are any of those programs funny? Does anyone else feel like they’re in a time warp when they turn on the beauty of commercial radio like I do? Do you miss loafers without socks? What was I getting at? Oh yeah…young boobies… Bring me the death of everything new… But that’s a shit statement too because even though what we do isn’t breaking any new and amazing barriers when it comes to revolutionizing music, its still new (in the sense that the songs are not covers and that I or we wrote a new song…and that “Susie tampons herself!)…Uh…(Sorry…didn’t mean to use “tampon” as a verb)…and has meaning to us…And that’s all I really care about…I don’t care about what I wrote years ago…I don’t care about how many times I’ve fallen while roller skating…I care about my band and our music…And money and bitches (just kidding…not really)…that’s all I care about…Well…that and young boobies…and the death of everything new… Stay tuned for a “new” rant next week and don’t sit still because the “new” cd will be out before you know it! … Satan Aka-Bob Saget (you do know that he used to suck dick for coke, right?) Have a good week |
| September 14, 2004 There is no rant this week due to time constraints
and constraints on my wrists...
Just kidding... I just got the Used dvd "Brand new" Ironic, eh... Its awesome...I love it...I also love the fact that I don't even have a dvd player...I actually watched it twice in between working on band shit...A long, long day...I'm tired as fuck...Gonna' be a busy week...a really busy week...No rest for the wicked...No wicked for the rest...You'll have that though... Yes, its true...I guess I almost got arrested the other night...Sorry Mom and Dad...Luckily, I'm so cool and they let me go...Just kidding...They were cool cops...Thank you Alliance Police Department... I've been pretty lucky a few times when it comes to the police...And I've learned my lesson on all accounts...(Reminder kids: when bashing Amish mailboxes, always check for concrete in the bottom of the ones that you've destroyed 3 weeks in a row...That can leave a bruise...Long story)... I've been pretty lucky about a lot of things...Except for getting lucky...And no luck at all getting pretty...Or something... I can't wait until the record is done...I can't wait until my record is done...I can't wait to do fun shit all of the time...Like eat spaghetti...and say "sqetti" while eating it... Biding your time can drive you crazy if you have the nuts enough to think about it...But I don't think that many people think about it...Having patience is a different story though...I hope...I really hope that being patient will pay off...I really hope that its not ever too late...For anything... I've got to catch up on so many things that I think are way more important than some of the things I'm "required" to do to get by...There are so many romance novels on my bookshelf that I don't even have...There are so many past issues of Boys' Life I have to catch up on...There are so many fat girls...And yet, so little time... But if you're lucky, things will all fall into place, right? Depends on your outlook... I'm not really sure what I believe about that topic...Am I a "Everything happens for a reason" guy, or a "you're so lucky that you're Chris Donley" guy? Or something... Teet...Tott...What the fuck does that mean? I just want to create in a dark room with some candles burning and the glow of those candles reflecting in the eyes of those around me...Someone give me a chance... We waste so much shit...We get wasted and sometimes piss out of our asses...But we waste too much...What makes you satisfied? Do you waste a lot of things? Are you lucky when it comes to the things that matter? Or do you do what you have to do to get what you want? I'm so tired of frowns...I love laughing...I wish my face would hurt all of the time...Even though I'm really dying inside, there's a few things that make me feel alive...One is laughing and having so much fun...So much fun...So much fun...I love being a douche...If only I was lucky to be able to do that all day, all of the time...And at the end of the night, get lucky...(I love late night BINGO!) You don't want to bet me about too much...I actually hide quite a bit of stupid shit that could go to waste in this mis-shapened head of mine...(Is mis-shapened really a word?)...or maybe I'm just lucky... Too many paragraphs...Too many breaks...Step on a crack and You'll break your mother's back... Always watch your mouth and your back...Maybe someone is stepping on a crack that's meant for you...But I doubt it...Most are probably meant for me...If I'm lucky... Danny says "hi"... Winter's coming...But not until fall is here and gone... I'll hopefully find some things that I've been missing this fall...Like my "Saved by the Bell" tapes, slinky, and nude polaroids of my lungs...If I'm lucky... Are you lucky? Do you know that you are? Do you appreciate it? I am right now...Stick with me boys...And tape... Who the fuck reads these? No one if I'm lucky... |
Got some good feedback from some of you guys…Thanks…It
was very cool…and refreshing…Like Doublemint
gum…and the new cream I’m using that gets
rid of that darn itch…
A long tiring weekend…Happy Birthday, yet again Lego…
Fuck the prick that was givin’ me shit the other night…Cock…
Fuck you’s go out to a few other people that know who they are…The French are assholes…(not you, Squat!)…
It scares me how amazing I am…Really…Not really…Sometimes…
I want to be metal…I want to be mad…
Oh wait…I already am…
It is really sad that my favorite person in the whole wide world isn’t even a person…
What an exhausting weekend…
How much effect do you think that lack of sleep really gives brain you not why cow moo laugh?
Hmm…I feel the same way…I know that it does affect shit…Like fucking with your brain and eyes while using the words effect and affect in corresponding, back-to-back sentences…
Do you think it destroys your vision quicker? Mine is still getting worse and worse…And I’m not blaming it all on the best sex I’ve had 3 times a day either…
People scare the absolute fuck out of me…Are you needed or are you needy?
I think I just need to be put to sleep…
Is there a better side when it comes to double-sided Scotch tape? And does it ever make you wonder why certain iconic products are now part of our everyday vocabulary? You don’t go make “copies”, you make Xeroxes…It is very rarely “tape”, but Scotch tape is mentioned and you know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about…
Of course everything varies by location, dialect of the area, and patterns that form and take place everywhere in the world…In the south, all pop is Coke? That’s what I heard…
Would you be proud if you said something or made something up that really “stuck”…
That’s why I very rarely “say” the word “love”…Because it just doesn’t “stick” with me enough where everyone knows what I’m talking about…
You all hurt…I know you do…Some of you hide it well like I do…Some of you cover it up like I do…Some of you need to shut the fuck up and take it like I do…But shit happens…And it all varies by location, attitude of your area, and patterns that you find yourself in all of the time…
Miserable patterns…
maybe that’s why so many people liked that shitty song “drift” off of our “Kiss of the Napalm” album…
People scare the shit out of me…
I get stuck sometimes…Really stuck other times…And when I have a really good dream, stuck a lot to my sheets…Just kidding…I’ll just wake up and finish it off…No wet dreams here…But what the fuck am I talking about anyway? Most of my dreams are terrible…Hence, part of the reason that I dislike sleeping in the same room as other people because I know that I talk in my sleep…I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in there, do I? But I guess that varies by location, direct listening area, and sleeping patterns that you have…Although a little rapid eye movement is probably easily achieved by yourself, right?
So calm…So beautiful…So insightful if you just look into the eyes…How ‘dorable…
When is it my turn to have a Casey? Or any kind of true muse for that matter?
Just a mirror that I despise and myself…And Danny…My best friend…
A lot of people ask me nothing…
A lot of people ask too much…
A lot of people get annoying…
A lot of people don’t understand anything…
A lot of people are fucking stupid…
A lot of people are selfish…
A lot of people are kind…
A lot of people lie…
A lot of people enjoy pie…
A lot of people can’t sleep…
A lot of people inspire other people…
A lot of people say the wrong things…
A lot of people are actually beautiful on the inside…
A lot of people are evil…
A lot of people have bad teeth…
A lot of people believe in war…
A lot of people don’t laugh enough…
A lot of people enjoy being miserable…
A lot of people do drugs…
A lot of people hurt others…
A lot of people hurt themselves…
A lot of people have a hidden talent but are too scared or lazy to pursue it…
A lot of people sing in the shower…
A lot of people ruin everyone else’s fun…
A lot of people make a lot of other people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are on and on…
You get it…
But the pattern varies from time to time…
A long tiring weekend…Happy Birthday, yet again Lego…
Fuck the prick that was givin’ me shit the other night…Cock…
Fuck you’s go out to a few other people that know who they are…The French are assholes…(not you, Squat!)…
It scares me how amazing I am…Really…Not really…Sometimes…
I want to be metal…I want to be mad…
Oh wait…I already am…
It is really sad that my favorite person in the whole wide world isn’t even a person…
What an exhausting weekend…
How much effect do you think that lack of sleep really gives brain you not why cow moo laugh?
Hmm…I feel the same way…I know that it does affect shit…Like fucking with your brain and eyes while using the words effect and affect in corresponding, back-to-back sentences…
Do you think it destroys your vision quicker? Mine is still getting worse and worse…And I’m not blaming it all on the best sex I’ve had 3 times a day either…
People scare the absolute fuck out of me…Are you needed or are you needy?
I think I just need to be put to sleep…
Is there a better side when it comes to double-sided Scotch tape? And does it ever make you wonder why certain iconic products are now part of our everyday vocabulary? You don’t go make “copies”, you make Xeroxes…It is very rarely “tape”, but Scotch tape is mentioned and you know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about…
Of course everything varies by location, dialect of the area, and patterns that form and take place everywhere in the world…In the south, all pop is Coke? That’s what I heard…
Would you be proud if you said something or made something up that really “stuck”…
That’s why I very rarely “say” the word “love”…Because it just doesn’t “stick” with me enough where everyone knows what I’m talking about…
You all hurt…I know you do…Some of you hide it well like I do…Some of you cover it up like I do…Some of you need to shut the fuck up and take it like I do…But shit happens…And it all varies by location, attitude of your area, and patterns that you find yourself in all of the time…
Miserable patterns…
maybe that’s why so many people liked that shitty song “drift” off of our “Kiss of the Napalm” album…
People scare the shit out of me…
I get stuck sometimes…Really stuck other times…And when I have a really good dream, stuck a lot to my sheets…Just kidding…I’ll just wake up and finish it off…No wet dreams here…But what the fuck am I talking about anyway? Most of my dreams are terrible…Hence, part of the reason that I dislike sleeping in the same room as other people because I know that I talk in my sleep…I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in there, do I? But I guess that varies by location, direct listening area, and sleeping patterns that you have…Although a little rapid eye movement is probably easily achieved by yourself, right?
So calm…So beautiful…So insightful if you just look into the eyes…How ‘dorable…
When is it my turn to have a Casey? Or any kind of true muse for that matter?
Just a mirror that I despise and myself…And Danny…My best friend…
A lot of people ask me nothing…
A lot of people ask too much…
A lot of people get annoying…
A lot of people don’t understand anything…
A lot of people are fucking stupid…
A lot of people are selfish…
A lot of people are kind…
A lot of people lie…
A lot of people enjoy pie…
A lot of people can’t sleep…
A lot of people inspire other people…
A lot of people say the wrong things…
A lot of people are actually beautiful on the inside…
A lot of people are evil…
A lot of people have bad teeth…
A lot of people believe in war…
A lot of people don’t laugh enough…
A lot of people enjoy being miserable…
A lot of people do drugs…
A lot of people hurt others…
A lot of people hurt themselves…
A lot of people have a hidden talent but are too scared or lazy to pursue it…
A lot of people sing in the shower…
A lot of people ruin everyone else’s fun…
A lot of people make a lot of other people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are:
devoid of good conversation, “pryers”, annoying, fucking stupid, selfish, kind, liars, pie eaters, insomniacs, inspiring, non-lip biters, beautiful, evil, gingivitis promoters, Bush’s, cold hearted, lovingly miserable, drug addicts, abusers, cutters, jealous, haters, bumps on logs, and people that make more people that are on and on…
You get it…
But the pattern varies from time to time…
| September 1, 2004 Michael McDonald was amazing! I can’t say
how much fun I had at the show on Sunday…Thanks
for going w/me kids! And Happy Fuckin’ Birthday,
Lego!
But what a travesty! Michael McDonald OPENING FOR HALL AND OATES?!?!? What the fuck?!?! Oh well…It was still a kick as show…What a voice…I wish I had his voice…Or at least someone else’s voice so I wouldn’t have to listen to my own while doing studio vocals…I absolutely dread that shit…But sometimes I shit dread…You’d have to see it to believe it… Enough talking about Lego, Mike, and bowel movements… What a great weekend! I love having fun…I love seeing everyone smile…I love getting away from reality…I love my peeps…I love very little drama…But most of all, I love being a janitor…My bucket is getting really big lately…Thanks to everyone that make it really easy for us… Anyway… Onward… You all have an assignment…We’ll see if anyone follows through…We’ll see if anyone else can sit down and “waste” their time so I can be on the other side of the mirror… I want to read what you guys are thinking about any and everything… Short stories…poems…where the bodies are…Anything…What you really think of me…Why you hate me…Why you love me…Why you hurt inside…A screenplay…a song…If its really true that girls can have an orgasm…Anything… I’m serious… Whatever you want, email it to me…I will read it all…I just want to see if anyone else out there has anything to say (or if they do, do they have the balls to let anyone see it?) I promise I will not let anyone else read it, use it, or anything…I will not talk about any of it to anyone…I will not steal, use, or infringe on anyone’s vision… Is there anyone out there? The closest of friends…The most distant of acquaintances…The people that hide in the shadows…The cursed that curse me…The blessed that bless me…Those that let too much out… I don’t care…That’s all for now…I’ll wait and see what’s up with all of you…I probably won’t reply to you…I won’t give any sort of critique because what you write is what you write and its not my place to say whether or not anything is good or bad…I just want to see how some other people think… chris@sindust.com Please put “I love Chris Donley’s Wang” in the subject line… Thank you… Chris |
| August 25, 2004 People that are deaf must not be able to
read...
Did you ever notice the motherfuckers that transcribe t.v. shows can't spell or type worth a shit... Maybe that would be a perfect job for me...Either that, or a professional beard grower... Who knows... I've been really busy lately...Sorry ladies...The record is coming together great with our favorite Blick, Wessy Bear McCraw...18 songs of pure sex...Of course we'll only be putting 12 or 13 on the record...What's a record... How about 17 times in one day! Now that's amazing... The word is finally moving again since I've learned how to speak Ghetto...WORD! Danny is growing up so fast...He's my special little boy! And cheeseballs at bars make me smile...that's why I don't buy drinks...But I just bought stock in Polo... I'm really drunk right now...Not really, but I started writing the "rant" last night and never got it finished because of a really hot 3-way between me, a good book, and a cup of tea...Not true yet again...You'll have that... Is Pisces really the sign of the badger? Trying to make money...I used to think that money was the root of all evil...It turns out that bagels are...Not sure why...Especially the raisin bagels... that's why I don't eat breakfast...or lunch...or supper...Only weed...Just kidding... I just recently realized that I must enjoy pain...(I didn't JUST realize it, I'm just writing about I)....I like to look down and see cuts...I'm a newfound cutter...You only truly realize that you're alive when you bleed... I'm pushing the delete button but nothing is running backwards...That means that there was nothing in front of these words... Do I look fat in this paragraph? Some art was stolen...The Scream...The French are assholes... Everything will make sense if you take your time and put it all together...No matter what you're looking at...Unless nothing makes sense...Which could be possible too... If you're looking at yourself and you truly believe you can put the puzzle together, then you can...I truly believe that...All of the words will be spelled right...You will see everything-past, present, future...Without the use of drugs of course...You will see how you've changed and why you've changed...Maybe for the better...Maybe for the worst... As long as you believe that all of the pieces are there... You see, that's where I'm fucked...Just because the warning label on the package, that doesn...t mean everything...That doesn't mean that all of the pieces were in the box...All of the pieces weren't in the box...I'll never be a total person...I'll never be the finished product...Why? Because I don't believe that I ever will be...If I am ever a finished person, then that will be it...There will be nothing more to look forward to or dread...But hopefully there will be something... how about this paragraph... Do I look fat in it? Probably... I've really considered getting into porn...Hmmm...Do you think I should? Its really weird that I'm surrounded by music all of the time...I can't fall asleep unless there's something on...Either some kind of tunes, the t.v. which kills, Christmas lights, or a bitch on my dick...Just kidding...I don't have intercourse...I bang...But no intercourse...Once again, just kidding...that's too much...Women are all crazy...They think too much sometimes and don't think enough other times...But they're the first ones to laugh about stupid shit...But I like to see girls laugh...Its good to see that... Greedy bitches...Do you read what I'm saying? Oops...I spelled a bunch of words in that last paragraph wrong that it didn't even say what I wanted to say...So don't take it the wrong way like you all always do... I really am mad...I've changed attitudes so many times in the last 17 years (that's how old I am, ya' know...) that I'm really starting to get dizzy... And that's another reason that I'll never be finished...I'll be finished in the literal "breathing" sense, but not in the big picture...Because my brain won't let me put the pieces together...My brain won't allow the walls to come down...And I guess that's fine...I won't get any new wounds if I wear enough Kevlar... Bleed...Drugs are bad, aren't they... that's what I was told and I'll stick to that...Bad...Bad...Drugs... I love root beer...I've recently gotten addicted to root beer again... Wally...you're a drunken irish midget...But you're fun...(You happy now, bitch... Oops...I mean, "Hung Low Stud")...But then again...So am I...A drunken Irish midget that is...Not hung low...It gets me off though...that's all that matters... So I'm reading the words and they still don't make sense...kinda' like now...The words are all kinda' jumbled up...But I'm not deaf...Not yet at least...Maybe those words for the deaf people make sense to them if they say them out loud because of the "dumbness" they have when trying to pronounce words...I do the same thing...Maybe it does make sense... Maybe like now... I've got some new cuts...It all makes sense to me...Will you suck out the poison? Nah...Keep it in there...It helps... I'm done for tonight...Stay tuned next week for some super casserole recipes! Sincerely, yur freind Chris |
| August 17, 2004 Ok...I'm not gonna' spend any time on the
anniversary...
Let's simply say that it IS the start of a new beginning...And no, I'm not talking about the feminine body spray...A new beginning...In more ways than one... What I have now, is the best this band has ever been...Tommy can vouch for it...We've been through what was hopefully the worst of the storm...And we weren't even prepared for the torrential downfall that could have come down on us if we would've let it...Luckily, he's Dick and I'm Goddard...Or the other way around...(If you don't know who Dick Goddard is, punch yourself in the sack and go adopt some Wooly Bears...) We're the tightest we've ever been (although there's always still room for improvement), hottest we've ever been (thanks to A-Hole Kojo and Little Cute Incesske), and the best we've ever been...This is of course a scale on an evolutionary chart that I've concocted in my own prison of thoughts...But at least it has steadily climbed...As long as it keeps going up...That's all that matters...I've been at this a very long time... We've got quite a few things on our side...Yet there are always some things that hinder progress but you'll have that...And you'll look at those things and laugh, correct them, and move on...And I think we will...I hope...No...I know we will... Faith...I'm talking about a burning fire...A fire that can't be extinguished unless we're the firemen...Unfortunately (or should I say "fortunately"), we are not all firemen (they're so hot, right Seema?) with long hoses to put out the flame...So that's a good thing...The only thing that can kill the badger is the badger itself...A house divided cannot stand...A badger divided cannot stand... Here...I'll light up another power stick...To quench my uncompromising thirst for self-destruction... We've had this talk before...All of us have...We all joke around and smile about the dumbest things...And we've captured some of the most interesting memories that no one will ever understand...Memories are the butterflies...I'll be the little kid with the net... I wonder if I can think hard enough, if I could remember every memory I've ever had...But then I have to wonder if memories that were just dreams could be counted as memories...Do memories have to actually consist of being a tangible life experience or could they be thought up... Hmmm... I have a ton of memories...Of previous lives and future lives...Some I know what they are...Some I don't...Some I remember living...Some, I don't....Some I look forward to next time...You're just a shadow... I wonder if the others had such a sour taste in their mouth about themselves... Artie...I feel your pain...I feel your pain... Look at everything that is around...Look at everyone around that could benefit...Look at everyone that will miss out...Look at everyone that won't be disappointed...Look at everyone that will be disappointed... Look at yourself...Look at me...Look down at your genitals and wash them...Thank you... Hope I don't screw up... Not from washing my genitals...Just pronouncing the word "genitals" because it's such a fun word to say... I'm kinda' tired of asking questions right now...I'm kinda' tired of being happy...I'm kinda' tired of being miserable... I know I'm in bad shape...(I've been trying to work out again and become the sex symbol I once was, but girls don't care about that...They just want a guy with a good personality...At least for a while...)...Or they'll just be greedy... So it's my turn...Not to be greedy THAT WAY...Just to be greedy...I'm a selfish prick...I'm a prick...I won't deny it...But I'm such a nice guy... Just as all of the previous have been...Both... Artie...I feel your pain... I'm bored...I'm tired...I'm simply waiting, watching, and preparing for the next adventure...This adventure has been on the burner for quite some time...And I want it to cook thoroughly so that I'm nice and tender...That's all I want... I don't want hands on throats...I don't want to see who can win in a screaming match... I do miss my family's swearing contests though... I say the word "I" entirely too much...But then again so do you...And at least when you all say it, its heard...I'm tired... Artie...I feel your pain... Tip it back... I need help...A lot of it...I almost rained the other night...At the weirdest thing too... I want to be missed...But the whole problem with being missed is that I don't know if I'll be able to see or know how much I'll be missed...What a crock...I wish I knew... Maybe I do...Maybe I already do... Pills are good... don't worry...I swear I'll be good...I'll try my hardest... But I'm losing it...Fuck...I've already lost it...Every week for me consists of not realizing what day it is and counting down the seconds to the weekend where I get to play with my Blicks...Which isn't that easy because I'm not sure of what day it is...What a blur...No wonder my memories have faded a bit from before...Maybe That's why my dreams are so crytal clear... The man...I hate the man... I'm tired of the man... I want to kill the man... And yet, I want to be the man someday... Artie...I feel your pain... |
This week's rant is in honor of a year ago
on the 15th...
A day that will be with us forever...Not a nail...Not a wall...Not an obstacle...
A turning point...A boost of confidence...A true test for all of us...
There has been so much that we've been given...So much taken away...But the bottom line is that I'm indestructible...(of course I'm lying because I'm a walking disease waiting for Mr. Death to take me away...)
So much has happened since a year ago Saturday...People have come and gone...people have helped...People have left...People have forgotten...People have simply gone about their business...
We were very lucky...We made it...We lived on...But why... Do we really have a purpose? I know I mentioned a little bit about this last week or the week before or the week before, but I'm as confused as ever...
Why us? Why are we all so lucky? Why do we take everything for granted? Everyone does it...
Why do I deserve to live the life that I have? Why was I blessed with something as "simple" as the ability to walk? Why wasn't I born with an extra toe, nipple, or brain? Why are others born with deformities? Why did I survive last year?
Is life a lottery? I still think that it is...I just think there are many different levels of winning...And I can't stand the fact that other people don't even get a shot from the start...Life's not fair (and I'm not whining for myself at all...This is actually a self hating piece because I feel terrible that others don't get to start the race from the same starting point as so many others...)
This may sound mean but its not s'posed to:
The other day, I saw a person with a really fucked up birthmark or burn or something...
Another day, I saw a woman with some kind of growth protruding out of her entire neck...
A few days ago, I noticed a boy in a wheelchair...
Last week, I caught a glimpse of someone with braces on his legs barely able to move...
Why?
Why am I lucky enough to deserve what I have? Why? Why are you able to do everyday things that those people perhaps can't do?
And why do I hate myself for this... I'm not quite sure...But I'm pretty sure...
Certain songs make me feel really good inside...Certain songs make me feel alive...Certain songs make me glad that I'm alive...But when I see things like I see sometimes, I'm not so sure I deserve to feel that...Do you? Do any of us?
What is your purpose? Do you access your full potential? (even though that's debatable because who's to say what exactly your "full potential" is...What an obscene thought...Although its debatable what exactly is "obscene"...I love debating...and masturdebating...)
Why am I here? Why is everyone here?
You're here for me to learn from...I'm here for you to learn from...
Even though we all learn from life, we learn more from death...Here's how:
When you're alive (to use the term loosely), you live, you learn, you work, you do your thing, you die...But when you die, so many other people learn so much more...You learn about yourself...You learn about things that are real...And even though sometimes that hurts, it helps in the end because if you're a decent human (to use the term loosely), you can hopefully change whatever may need to be changed to make the world a better place...Or you could just not have a soul and join my club...(just kidding)...Or I could be talking out of my asshole again...
What am I getting at?
When someone close to you dies, most of the apathetic thoughts will hopefully go out the window...You will realize that you had "something"...Whatever that is, is up to you to figure out...You will learn that you may not have been such a super duper person to that individual...Maybe you were too good to that person...But now its up to you to decide whether or not you'll use that knowledge...and grow...
So why didn't anyone learn from last year? You tell me...I'll tell you...
There has to be a reason...I'm trying to learn so I'm not so confused...
Will the world ever be a decent place? Depending on interpretation just as anything...
Those people that I saw might say they enjoy their lives but really hate being them...They may love the fact that it makes them stronger...
So how come I'm the way I am? And will I change? Have I learned anything at all? I abuse my body...I don't really appreciate what I have...But then again, who really does...
That's why...Just another reason that I hate myself...I sometimes wish I was born with a disability so I'd have something to overcome...Not just the menial tasks that we're all faced with like living, working, breathing, eating...I sometimes wish that I wasn't "normal" (to use the term loosely), so that I would be different...
But then I sit back in my chair, put down my lit power stick, take a sip of grandpa's cough medicine, and grab either "Goldie Hawn", "Raylene", "Jenteal", "Black", or "my wang"* and learn...Maybe I'm not taking things for granted...Maybe my purpose is to do exactly what I do...I seem to reach and intrigue some people...Maybe that is my purpose...Maybe my self loathing is just an aspect of my personality that is there to help offset the "good things" that those around have an interest in...And those people that dig me are helping me learn too...And believe me...I think they are helping...all the while, others are hurting...
we've all been dealt different hands...We all have to deal with what we've been dealt...If that's a cop out to say that and not stand up and proclaim "You make your own destiny", I think I'm gonna' have to disagree with you because how is someone that is born with a chronic illness or incurable disease gonna' create their own destiny... You tell me...I think that comment is a crock of shit...(Holy fuck, I think that was the first time I've cursed in this entire fuckin' rant...Can you fuckin' believe it?)
I know I'm lucky...And I don't feel lucky for being lucky because I question why I deserve to be lucky when so many others aren't...
But we're here...And we'll stay here until "destiny" says otherwise...We made it through quite a severe test last year...So I guess I"ll just question why that is and keep on trying to learn...
I suggest that you all do the same...
And hopefully you won't hate yourself like I hate myself for being "lucky"...
Good luck...
Double down...
*All of those names represent the names of some of my guitars...except for "my wang"...
A day that will be with us forever...Not a nail...Not a wall...Not an obstacle...
A turning point...A boost of confidence...A true test for all of us...
There has been so much that we've been given...So much taken away...But the bottom line is that I'm indestructible...(of course I'm lying because I'm a walking disease waiting for Mr. Death to take me away...)
So much has happened since a year ago Saturday...People have come and gone...people have helped...People have left...People have forgotten...People have simply gone about their business...
We were very lucky...We made it...We lived on...But why... Do we really have a purpose? I know I mentioned a little bit about this last week or the week before or the week before, but I'm as confused as ever...
Why us? Why are we all so lucky? Why do we take everything for granted? Everyone does it...
Why do I deserve to live the life that I have? Why was I blessed with something as "simple" as the ability to walk? Why wasn't I born with an extra toe, nipple, or brain? Why are others born with deformities? Why did I survive last year?
Is life a lottery? I still think that it is...I just think there are many different levels of winning...And I can't stand the fact that other people don't even get a shot from the start...Life's not fair (and I'm not whining for myself at all...This is actually a self hating piece because I feel terrible that others don't get to start the race from the same starting point as so many others...)
This may sound mean but its not s'posed to:
The other day, I saw a person with a really fucked up birthmark or burn or something...
Another day, I saw a woman with some kind of growth protruding out of her entire neck...
A few days ago, I noticed a boy in a wheelchair...
Last week, I caught a glimpse of someone with braces on his legs barely able to move...
Why?
Why am I lucky enough to deserve what I have? Why? Why are you able to do everyday things that those people perhaps can't do?
And why do I hate myself for this... I'm not quite sure...But I'm pretty sure...
Certain songs make me feel really good inside...Certain songs make me feel alive...Certain songs make me glad that I'm alive...But when I see things like I see sometimes, I'm not so sure I deserve to feel that...Do you? Do any of us?
What is your purpose? Do you access your full potential? (even though that's debatable because who's to say what exactly your "full potential" is...What an obscene thought...Although its debatable what exactly is "obscene"...I love debating...and masturdebating...)
Why am I here? Why is everyone here?
You're here for me to learn from...I'm here for you to learn from...
Even though we all learn from life, we learn more from death...Here's how:
When you're alive (to use the term loosely), you live, you learn, you work, you do your thing, you die...But when you die, so many other people learn so much more...You learn about yourself...You learn about things that are real...And even though sometimes that hurts, it helps in the end because if you're a decent human (to use the term loosely), you can hopefully change whatever may need to be changed to make the world a better place...Or you could just not have a soul and join my club...(just kidding)...Or I could be talking out of my asshole again...
What am I getting at?
When someone close to you dies, most of the apathetic thoughts will hopefully go out the window...You will realize that you had "something"...Whatever that is, is up to you to figure out...You will learn that you may not have been such a super duper person to that individual...Maybe you were too good to that person...But now its up to you to decide whether or not you'll use that knowledge...and grow...
So why didn't anyone learn from last year? You tell me...I'll tell you...
There has to be a reason...I'm trying to learn so I'm not so confused...
Will the world ever be a decent place? Depending on interpretation just as anything...
Those people that I saw might say they enjoy their lives but really hate being them...They may love the fact that it makes them stronger...
So how come I'm the way I am? And will I change? Have I learned anything at all? I abuse my body...I don't really appreciate what I have...But then again, who really does...
That's why...Just another reason that I hate myself...I sometimes wish I was born with a disability so I'd have something to overcome...Not just the menial tasks that we're all faced with like living, working, breathing, eating...I sometimes wish that I wasn't "normal" (to use the term loosely), so that I would be different...
But then I sit back in my chair, put down my lit power stick, take a sip of grandpa's cough medicine, and grab either "Goldie Hawn", "Raylene", "Jenteal", "Black", or "my wang"* and learn...Maybe I'm not taking things for granted...Maybe my purpose is to do exactly what I do...I seem to reach and intrigue some people...Maybe that is my purpose...Maybe my self loathing is just an aspect of my personality that is there to help offset the "good things" that those around have an interest in...And those people that dig me are helping me learn too...And believe me...I think they are helping...all the while, others are hurting...
we've all been dealt different hands...We all have to deal with what we've been dealt...If that's a cop out to say that and not stand up and proclaim "You make your own destiny", I think I'm gonna' have to disagree with you because how is someone that is born with a chronic illness or incurable disease gonna' create their own destiny... You tell me...I think that comment is a crock of shit...(Holy fuck, I think that was the first time I've cursed in this entire fuckin' rant...Can you fuckin' believe it?)
I know I'm lucky...And I don't feel lucky for being lucky because I question why I deserve to be lucky when so many others aren't...
But we're here...And we'll stay here until "destiny" says otherwise...We made it through quite a severe test last year...So I guess I"ll just question why that is and keep on trying to learn...
I suggest that you all do the same...
And hopefully you won't hate yourself like I hate myself for being "lucky"...
Good luck...
Double down...
*All of those names represent the names of some of my guitars...except for "my wang"...
| August 4, 2004 Keep on recycling...
So I'm listening to some college radio station today and along comes the same shit... I might as well apologize to anyone that has gone along with the bandwagon crowd as of late but this is how I feel so if you disagree, that's your opinion...As you should listen and respect mine...And then realize that I'm right and fuck off...Just kidding... But I'd like to refer to these days as ...The Dark Days of Music......I'm not sure if its because I'm getting old (Really, its not that at all because I want to hear some heavy shit...Metal is hanging on by a thread...That's it...That's all I'm saying...What happened to metal... And I know that we're not metal, but I miss hearing some good heavy music and I just haven't come across any in a long time...there are a few and for that, I'm glad) or what, but the majority of music that is out there today really doesn't appeal to me at all... I'd like to now refer to the new trend in music as ...shit rock......Of course the critics eat it up......They're breathing life back into rock 'n roll.........Thank God for any band with THE in the name......Whatever... I believe that rock should be about freedom, fun, sex, and drugs and perhaps a few dealings with the occult and the law but I'm not sure if I agree with the critics...(imagine that)...But I'm sure that the critics and I will always butt heads and I'm fine with that...I'm totally cool with that...I encourage it... But I also think that rock should have an amount of pride to go along with it...Since you're hopefully pouring things out onto paper into a song, shouldn't you try and make that the best song it can be... Cutting corners...Hmmm...I don't see how trying to make a record sound shitty can save rock...I don't see how taking the easy way out can make you feel good...(of course the $$ that you're now seeing if you're one of those ...artists... will make you feel real good because the trend that you either helped create or latched onto has snagged the kids like a lamprey...Wonderful...)... But of course, That's my opinion... The ____s...The_____....The_____...The____...All trendy and great in the critics... eyes...But I don't get it...Just because rock is about ...rocking..., shouldn't you at least be able to play your instrument a little bit... I'll admit that I'm not the greatest at anything (except for everything), but the Dark Days of Music that are upon us show that you can once again suck and make a career (although hopefully short) out of it... It was done in the early nineties...Here it is again...The difference is that at least in the early nineties, a good producer could fake it on an album...An although I'm not totally for that because its kinda... pulling the wool over everyone's eyes when you hear a really great album from a mediocre band and then see them live and they suck, at least it gave you something to listen to in your car (except for me...I don't even have a cassette player...I'm stuck listening to ...shit rock... on most stations...) where you could actually hear the minor complex details that made well produced albums make us want to go see those bands for ourselves and then judge... Instead, today we hear the shit up front...So I guess most people should thank the record industry for being a little more honest with us when the masses buy the shitty albums because at least what you see is what you get... But how much fun is that... Isn't it more fun to make the call... Isn't it more fun to get your hopes up and then be let down... That's where we come in...Just kidding... I heard 2 separate songs that really bother me...One is by the Postal Service and one is by Start Trouble...I'm not gonna... talk ...real... shit because I respect them both enough that they did what they had to do to get where they are...And I'm not totally sure if I could say that I'm jealous because they're in the spotlight because I wouldn't want the music that is out there today to have anything associated with my name...Once again, my opinion...take it or leave it... Anyway...Back to the story...Both songs had the same melody line in the verse as an unnamed Chicago song...Hmmm...Hit after hit... And even though I've found myself enjoying music that is pretty structured, as well as writing that way, I try to stay away from blatant shit... But then there's another argument that I have to contradict myself yet again...I've always had a fear that I've somehow heard a song somewhere, forgot where I heard it, and then somehow ...wrote... the exact same song...I hate my life...I hate my mind... Shit rock...At least we're trash rock...Kill me... The Dark Days have arrived and will hopefully be gone soon... Kill the THEs... |
| July 28, 2004 Burning holes in your soul...How many people
in your lifetime do you think have actually
stared you straight in the eye...
I'm asking because the other day, a baby looked at me right in the eye as I pierced its now warped psyche with my glare and got to wondering if that will actually affect that baby in the future...Or if that baby will remember my icy stare... Cuz for some reason, I remember when I was younger, looking at people...Looking them in the eye...I'm not even sure who those people are or why I was drawn to look through them the way I did...But I did...There has to be a reason...Look at how many people you really know but don't ...look them in the eye...... A baby...A fuckin' baby made me right this rant...It just kept looking at me...And I really don't like kids so I found myself almost giving it a dirty look...I know, I know...I'm a mean person...But why of all places (A Giant Eagle), of all times, and of all reason would a baby make me think about this week... Who knows...Its just a weird situation because how am I to know that when I was a baby that I didn't look someone right in the eyes and they could turn out to be anything...That someone maybe grew up to be one of my idols...Maybe that person grew up to be a politician...Or worse, a preacher...Just kidding...But the strangest thought that entered my mind today while I was stuck in traffic as I usually am...(Not really on the highway, but in my own mind...There's been gridlock for years in the grey matter...Not that it really matters anyway...No one's directing the traffic...)...Maybe one of those people would end up being either my savior...or my killer... I don't really know...I just find it very odd that the roles were switched... Do you remember growing up... Do you remember someone else and yourself sharing some brief connection with the balls that lie (Well...The set in your head)...Do you remember faces... Places... Events... Why... A baby...So I have to ask myself: Will this kid grow up and remember me... Is my face permanently etched into his/her brain forever albeit locked away for reasons unknown until the reason is supposed to be known... Maybe we're all each other's angels...(I hate typing the word ...angels... because for some reason my fingers always want to type ...angles......Ever happen to you... Didn't think so...)...Was that kid's look into my eye a wake up call or a curse... Hmmm... Its just very odd...Especially since I only like kids with ketchup...That kid knew something about me that perhaps I don't even know about myself...Maybe I'll be his/her savior...Or killer...In a few different ways... If I was his/her savior, how could I be... Maybe I'll actually amount to something that will inspire him/her to do something with perhaps a gift that he/she never discovered until they somehow reached inside of his/herself to dig out whatever that gift may be...Does that make sense... Or maybe I'll influence him/her to do drugs, make sacrifices, and have premarital sex leading to an overdose, an accidental ritual, or aids... Or maybe I won't be anything...Maybe he/she was looking at me because they know that I'm just another peg...Another cog...Another marshmallow in the Krispies... You know the rant from a while back about how babies know it all... Maybe that's what this scenario was all about and that's another part of the reason that its haunting me on a Tuesday night...Or maybe I'm thinking too much again... I just know that I'm really, really tired...Of a lot of things...And the kids know it...I'm doing it for the kids...Not really... I think I can, I think I can...Up the hill...Look into the gaze of doom...I have been told that I have seductive eyes...Do you think they were seductive when I was a baby and someone else stared into the gaze of doom... Does anyone wake up... Does anyone sleep... Does anyone really see what's going on... I don't think so... I haven't been to the eye doctor for years...I think my prescription needs updated... |
So I was wrong...Survivor...Reality shows...Really
are reality...In an alternate dimension...In
a different reality...Reality...Bites...Fuck
Winona...She's a whore anyway...
So another week down...How many more to go... Not quite sure...I've grown a beard and I must say that I look so macho and manly that I'm not sure how any bitches would be able to withstand my manly, macho charms...
Little birdie...What are you saying... You want me to learn how to fly... You want me to know more than I should know... You want me to fly away... Or how about this... Why not just push me out of the nest before I totally know how to fly......That would be alright...Its how I learn how to do most of the meaningless activities in my life...
Work...Its all work...Everything is work...Just different degrees...Luckily, I have an amazing degree from the fine institution of Giveusyourmoney University that I still owe a fuck load of money to (What a clever name for a school...I can't remember what the school...s mascot was though)...So nice of them to not give a fuck about me then, but now they mail me shit all of the time since I...m important and an alumni...Oh...They also want more money...Motherfuckers...
Don't go to school kids...Drop out...Get everyone around you pregnant...get a good drug habit...And woship lord Satan...
Did I mention that I was an amazing Radio/TV major with a religion minor... Came in handy in life...Considering that I wouldn't even have the job I have right now if it wasn't for a friend hookin' me up...(thanks Tall Wonder!)...
Reality...The reality of debt...College...Everywhere you go, you must study everything...Study the surroundings...Study the competition...Study your friends...Study your enemies...Study those that are your frienemies...
I just wanna' bang...On these drums all day...Dolph Lundgren was better......You will lose.........I will break you......
I wanna' play metal...I wanna' scream...I wanna' bleed...I have poison ivy...On my penis...Not really...Everywhere else though...Itch...I...ve got many different itches...If you wanna... scratch one, email me at chris@sindust.com...You whore...Just kidding...Can I rub jelly all over your tits... NO... Why not... G'ma!
I'm so going to hell...And I know this...I'm trying to prepare for it now...I'm coming to the terms and reality of it...Figure I'll try to have some demons in my pocket before I actually get there...I already have a bag packed...
Have I given up... In some ways, yes...In some ways, I have to jump out of the plane without a chute...Just to see what happens...I'm sure it would be quite a rush...
So many stories...So many twists and turns...And you thought I was complicated...I'm not...I'm really not...
I wish life was as simple as the proverb (whatever the fuck that means...Just because I was a religion minor doesn...t mean a motherfuckin... goddamned thing)that I will now make up:
Eat the cookie and smile
Whatever the fuck that means...
How about this one instead:
Trust the guy in the mirror...Until it breaks...
That...s a lot of bad luck...I have a lot bad luck...Even though if I collected on my bets, I probably wouldn...t have to work...Wouldn...t that be nice... Just lounge around all day, get fat, lazy, smacked up, and whatever else you feel like doing...
Still itchy...I hate the reality of things...I hate that I...m actually more of a man than I...m given credit for because I don...t let stupid bullshit get to me even though my shovel is pretty full...
Petty...Pretty...Penny...At least Danny loves me...Fuckin... faggot kitty...Just kidding...
I'm doing my best...I'm working on the end...I'm still producing...I'm still in the process...Oh wait...
Fuck that...You've helped out...Everyone has...Thanks...
Reality...
Who will win...
I will...I promise...It just sucks that I'll be alone...
So another week down...How many more to go... Not quite sure...I've grown a beard and I must say that I look so macho and manly that I'm not sure how any bitches would be able to withstand my manly, macho charms...
Little birdie...What are you saying... You want me to learn how to fly... You want me to know more than I should know... You want me to fly away... Or how about this... Why not just push me out of the nest before I totally know how to fly......That would be alright...Its how I learn how to do most of the meaningless activities in my life...
Work...Its all work...Everything is work...Just different degrees...Luckily, I have an amazing degree from the fine institution of Giveusyourmoney University that I still owe a fuck load of money to (What a clever name for a school...I can't remember what the school...s mascot was though)...So nice of them to not give a fuck about me then, but now they mail me shit all of the time since I...m important and an alumni...Oh...They also want more money...Motherfuckers...
Don't go to school kids...Drop out...Get everyone around you pregnant...get a good drug habit...And woship lord Satan...
Did I mention that I was an amazing Radio/TV major with a religion minor... Came in handy in life...Considering that I wouldn't even have the job I have right now if it wasn't for a friend hookin' me up...(thanks Tall Wonder!)...
Reality...The reality of debt...College...Everywhere you go, you must study everything...Study the surroundings...Study the competition...Study your friends...Study your enemies...Study those that are your frienemies...
I just wanna' bang...On these drums all day...Dolph Lundgren was better......You will lose.........I will break you......
I wanna' play metal...I wanna' scream...I wanna' bleed...I have poison ivy...On my penis...Not really...Everywhere else though...Itch...I...ve got many different itches...If you wanna... scratch one, email me at chris@sindust.com...You whore...Just kidding...Can I rub jelly all over your tits... NO... Why not... G'ma!
I'm so going to hell...And I know this...I'm trying to prepare for it now...I'm coming to the terms and reality of it...Figure I'll try to have some demons in my pocket before I actually get there...I already have a bag packed...
Have I given up... In some ways, yes...In some ways, I have to jump out of the plane without a chute...Just to see what happens...I'm sure it would be quite a rush...
So many stories...So many twists and turns...And you thought I was complicated...I'm not...I'm really not...
I wish life was as simple as the proverb (whatever the fuck that means...Just because I was a religion minor doesn...t mean a motherfuckin... goddamned thing)that I will now make up:
Eat the cookie and smile
Whatever the fuck that means...
How about this one instead:
Trust the guy in the mirror...Until it breaks...
That...s a lot of bad luck...I have a lot bad luck...Even though if I collected on my bets, I probably wouldn...t have to work...Wouldn...t that be nice... Just lounge around all day, get fat, lazy, smacked up, and whatever else you feel like doing...
Still itchy...I hate the reality of things...I hate that I...m actually more of a man than I...m given credit for because I don...t let stupid bullshit get to me even though my shovel is pretty full...
Petty...Pretty...Penny...At least Danny loves me...Fuckin... faggot kitty...Just kidding...
I'm doing my best...I'm working on the end...I'm still producing...I'm still in the process...Oh wait...
Fuck that...You've helped out...Everyone has...Thanks...
Reality...
Who will win...
I will...I promise...It just sucks that I'll be alone...
I’m finally feeling a little better…Maybe
I had Cat Scratch Fever…Maybe girls are dirty…Maybe
cats are dirty…Maybe I’m dirty…Maybe dirt
is dirty…But at least I’m feeling a little
bit better…Of course, by saying that, I’ll
probably get sicker now…Its been about 3
weeks I think that I’ve had a cough…I’m still
addicted to Nyquil…Yum…
Being sick gets me sick…Yet still I can’t catch up…
Just worn out…About that time again…
Do you remember us?
Do you remember me?
Do you miss my long hair?
I’m gearing up to do some art projects…If I find the time…Pimpin’ ain’t easy…
I think I’ll grow my beard again…
I think I’ll have another fashion overhaul…I’m way too likable the way I look now…Just kidding…Spell check is fun…
Where does the time go?
Time flies when you’re getting old…Time flies when you have a cold…Especially the dreaded “summer cold”…
I should wear a condom on my nose…Those dreaded summer germs have gotten to me…
What’s a condom?
Another Sindust orgy…Another Sindust tragedy…Another Sindust win…Another Sindust failure…Another Sindust cold…
What if I was the virus? What if you were the virus?
We’re all the virus…We’re all the germs…Infecting yet another beautiful host…Do you have the prescription? But yet again, I’m a pussy…I don’t want to fight the germs…I’ll just let them take over me and kill me slowly because I have enough t cells to worry about the real shit that should be worried about…
If I had the virus or a real disease I probably would lay down and die…Not really because I’m a pussy, but just because I’m tired of fighting it…I’m serious…I don’t even like pills…That goes for vitamins too…I know I don’t take care of myself…Don’t you think there’s a reason for it?
Its because I’m in love with Anna…I’m in love with Disturbed because they’ve got the sickness…Not really…Ooh ah ah ah ah!…Yeah! Rock!
How can Sade really love love so much to sing about nothing but that? I don’t know…
Please kill me…You already have…You have already killed everything that was good in my healthy life…You have already attacked my good cells…Thank you Christopher…
But then again I’m a smooth operator…From coast to coast and into Chicago…
Different climates make me feel different…Cold climates make me want to curl up and die…Warm climates make me want to go for a swim…with rocks in my pocket…
Yeah, I’m that guy that has pictures of himself hanging up in his apartment…Why is that? Because I’m truly conceited? Or is it a joke? Have you been over to my place? Not enough? Too much…Have you laughed and got the joke…Apparently if you’ve come to my place…Did the germs get to you? Are you sick? Hope you’re feeling better…
Import this, export that…Hope you got it all out…hope everything is flushed out…
Let me know when you’re better…I’ll let you know when I’m better…I’ve been better…
Coke and whiskey…I’ll sing for you in a scratchy voice…I’ll sing till my throat bleeds some more…Can’t sing anyway…
I’ll just keep sippin’ on this Nyquil…Pills are good…
Look out below tummy! You might get upset…Don’t kill me (sarcasm!)
The rants seem to be getting shorter and shorter…
Probably because I don’t want to incriminate anyone…Because motherfuckers in this world are so stupid and diseased in the head that they’ll use whatever they can against whoever it is that they’re against…And for that, I’ll stop now…because motherfuckers need to learn to shut the fuck up…
Its just another sad love song…I love Toni Braxton…Can you believe that some hatin’ girls back in the day tried to tell me that Toni used to be a man? Haters…Who cares…if so…My boy is hot!
Sorry…I’m sick…Really sick…What’s up doc? Put your fingers in the barrel so it will blow back at me and take me out…Would you like to take me out? Even if I’m sick?
Watch out…I’ll try not to get you sick…No kissing…Its too personal…Just sex…Not really…I’m sick…I’m sick…Sick…sick…
I don’t want to be sick anymore…I want to be healthy…
I want everyone to be healthy…Its your choice…
Being sick gets me sick…Yet still I can’t catch up…
Just worn out…About that time again…
Do you remember us?
Do you remember me?
Do you miss my long hair?
I’m gearing up to do some art projects…If I find the time…Pimpin’ ain’t easy…
I think I’ll grow my beard again…
I think I’ll have another fashion overhaul…I’m way too likable the way I look now…Just kidding…Spell check is fun…
Where does the time go?
Time flies when you’re getting old…Time flies when you have a cold…Especially the dreaded “summer cold”…
I should wear a condom on my nose…Those dreaded summer germs have gotten to me…
What’s a condom?
Another Sindust orgy…Another Sindust tragedy…Another Sindust win…Another Sindust failure…Another Sindust cold…
What if I was the virus? What if you were the virus?
We’re all the virus…We’re all the germs…Infecting yet another beautiful host…Do you have the prescription? But yet again, I’m a pussy…I don’t want to fight the germs…I’ll just let them take over me and kill me slowly because I have enough t cells to worry about the real shit that should be worried about…
If I had the virus or a real disease I probably would lay down and die…Not really because I’m a pussy, but just because I’m tired of fighting it…I’m serious…I don’t even like pills…That goes for vitamins too…I know I don’t take care of myself…Don’t you think there’s a reason for it?
Its because I’m in love with Anna…I’m in love with Disturbed because they’ve got the sickness…Not really…Ooh ah ah ah ah!…Yeah! Rock!
How can Sade really love love so much to sing about nothing but that? I don’t know…
Please kill me…You already have…You have already killed everything that was good in my healthy life…You have already attacked my good cells…Thank you Christopher…
But then again I’m a smooth operator…From coast to coast and into Chicago…
Different climates make me feel different…Cold climates make me want to curl up and die…Warm climates make me want to go for a swim…with rocks in my pocket…
Yeah, I’m that guy that has pictures of himself hanging up in his apartment…Why is that? Because I’m truly conceited? Or is it a joke? Have you been over to my place? Not enough? Too much…Have you laughed and got the joke…Apparently if you’ve come to my place…Did the germs get to you? Are you sick? Hope you’re feeling better…
Import this, export that…Hope you got it all out…hope everything is flushed out…
Let me know when you’re better…I’ll let you know when I’m better…I’ve been better…
Coke and whiskey…I’ll sing for you in a scratchy voice…I’ll sing till my throat bleeds some more…Can’t sing anyway…
I’ll just keep sippin’ on this Nyquil…Pills are good…
Look out below tummy! You might get upset…Don’t kill me (sarcasm!)
The rants seem to be getting shorter and shorter…
Probably because I don’t want to incriminate anyone…Because motherfuckers in this world are so stupid and diseased in the head that they’ll use whatever they can against whoever it is that they’re against…And for that, I’ll stop now…because motherfuckers need to learn to shut the fuck up…
Its just another sad love song…I love Toni Braxton…Can you believe that some hatin’ girls back in the day tried to tell me that Toni used to be a man? Haters…Who cares…if so…My boy is hot!
Sorry…I’m sick…Really sick…What’s up doc? Put your fingers in the barrel so it will blow back at me and take me out…Would you like to take me out? Even if I’m sick?
Watch out…I’ll try not to get you sick…No kissing…Its too personal…Just sex…Not really…I’m sick…I’m sick…Sick…sick…
I don’t want to be sick anymore…I want to be healthy…
I want everyone to be healthy…Its your choice…
| July 6, 2004 Issue 1-I hate everyone…its true…The more
and more I breathe every day, the more and
more I wish I wasn’t breathing everyday…I
have such a bad taste in my mouth (and not
from living in Lakewood either!) from everyone…Do
you know what the night sky is? Do you know
what a bowling ball is? But not just that…Everyone…I
have such a hard time trusting anyone anymore…I
don’t even want to talk to anyone…I wish
I didn’t have such a big mouth…I wish I wasn’t
so fuckin’ funny and entertaining…I wish
I wasn’t such a pushover…But I am…I have
a terrible premonition that I’ll be either
checking in or checking out very soon…I guess
I’m a pussy…I guess I can’t hack it…Reality
is a crock of shit…Its true…I am mad…I want
to be happy…I really do…But its hard …I know
that you’re all out there laughing at me
every day tuning in to see what the fuck
I’m doing…I’ve known your diabolical scheme
from the start…I’m glad I’m entertaining…Did
you see me flip the entire world off the
other night? It was funny wasn’t it? But
I hope I’m getting good ratings…I hope the
sponsors love me…I hope there’s a secret
merchandise line that someone is making millions
off of…And I hope that person that is exploiting
me has erectile dysfunction…Even though he’s
probably made enough money to get a dick
transplant so he can bang all of the evil
hot bitches that are digging as deep as they
can all the while putting on the show…putting
on the face for their own oscar-worthy performance…
I hate people…I really do…Why is that? Why couldn’t I have been done this time around? Why couldn’t I have waited a couple of hundred more years until the world lives in peace and harmony and all of the corruption and evil hatred is gone from the earth? Or mars…Or Uranus…Because that will never happen…I need pills…I need something…But I don’t know what the fuck it is…and neither do you…I feel so sick to my stomach when I think about human nature…And I know I’m partially guilty, but goddamn, the world would look so much better through the eyes of a Michael McDonald impersonator…Or something…What I’m trying to say is that I’m really tired of trying everything…I want to totally build bombs…I want to play billiards…I want to ignore the things that I should ignore but can’t…The world is so evil that I can’t really take it anymore…And the sad part is that the evil is all around… Staple the evil! Issue 2-Dodging the fat issue…I’ve been all over the place…I’ve seen many faces and been to many places…I’ve been to Buffalo, Tennessee, Kentucky, North and South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Pennsylvania, and Michigan…Ok…I haven’t been to that many places…But China and Japan have it right…Diets…Or whatever it is that they do is a beautiful thing…I think it may be a government conspiracy but in this case, a very good one…Here’s my theory: The oriental countries claim that their diets are why you rarely see a fat ass politically incorrect term for an oriental person…Rice…Rice is binding…Can you imagine how much shit there is in a Chinese sewer? Fish…I hate fish…other seafood that tastes like shit…Other staple foods in their diets…But they got it right…Or so Mao would have you believe…I wish our government would institute the same procedure that I think they do…To their 1 child per couple capita…And here it is:…(dramatic pause yet again)… The United States is a bunch of fat, razy Amelicans…Lard-asses all around…It cracks me up that everyone is on this carb-counting kick…Why is everyone still so fat? The US is disgusting…We should do what everyone else is doing… And here it is: (yet another dramatic pause)…I think that other countries are doing this and now we should…Whenever a child is born here in the United States, that child should have a mandatory stomach staple put in…That’s why we’re so fat and other countries aren’t…At least we wouldn’t be so gross…At least we could save money on more things that matter like nuclear warheads, ways to allow big business to get bigger and pollute the world that we’re still destroying…But we wouldn’t be so fat…Who gives a fuck if it takes away from some of the growth process or robs children of some of the vitamins and minerals they need to grow up strong and healthy…If more people died, that would also help control the population…And considering that many of the fat, razy amelicans can’t bother to put on a rubber, the death rate going up, would be welcome in my eyes…At least then, with a smaller amount of children that could possibly make the world hell for the kids of my generation that may have a chance to do something worthwhile, there wouldn’t be as much bullshit to wade through… Staple the kids! Issue 3-My true need for something else… Not sure what it is…But its tragic…I’ll guarantee that…Meeting some new people…Who…The owl is in the room… Nice to hear that some people still read the rants…Even though they scare more people away than anything…I’m lazy…I’m tired… Hi Squat and Annie…Hi Carrie and J to the X…Who else reads ‘em? Not quite sure…My head will explode one of these days…Or I’ll have a stroke (not the usual on my cack, either!)…My head hurts… Issue 4…Knowing that I had 3 other issues just this week and that’s not even thinking hard about it…If you wanted the truth, I’d be typing forever…I’d be wasting more time than ever even if its not wasting time…I need to record…I need a singer…Those are the best sewing machines ever! I need a new outlook…I need to need…All I need is you…and you…and you…and you…and you…To just understand…to be there if I need you…All of you and none of you… Staple my mouth… |
There’s a scratch on my cornea…I can’t see
clearly…I can’t see straight…Don’t know how
it happened…Everything is blurry…Your claws
must’ve taken a little off the top…Kinda’
like my badger haircut…I think I look cute…Kinda’
like Daniel…But that’s just me…Not really…I’ll
never be satisfied…My stylist just never
knows what to do with me…No one really does…I
just exist…
Maybe I was stabbed in the eyeball in my sleep…I do have to cover my entire body with a blanket when I sleep (along hugging my pillow)…(there’s just not enough cuddling in the world…)…
I am a cuddle monster…I have fangs…You have fangs…I have claws…You have claws…Its just a matter of who wants to clean who’s claws…
I’ve got plenty of cleaning products…I’ve got plenty of time (not really)…I know it must be ironic for me to say something about “cleaning” considering that I’m such a slob…But that’s just part of my character…If I was anal, I’d live in Lakewood…oops…Never mind…
On the journey…Domo dera maqauto Tokyo…I’m gonna’ liven up every crowd from now on…I’ll just do that to clean my claws…
Do you really know how much beauty there is in the world? I’m not talking in the floating plastic bag American Beauty sort of way either…Look around you…Everything could be beautiful…Can you see it? Every moment could be exceptional…Every breath could be sweet as the sweetest Sugar Daddy(…do you remember those? How about Astro Pops?)…If you let it be…
Poor kitten…You don’t get enough attention…Was it you that scratched my cornea? Was it you that blurred my vision? Your markings show true beauty…Your markings are part of your character…At least you listen…
Maybe the gratification by self is finally catching up with me…I haven’t had a vision test for a very long time…I don’t always see what’s in front of my face…I haven’t been to the doctor in a long time either…Not since I got my nut checked out…(thanks for the free “feel-up” doc!)
Can a song take you to a different place? Can a car take you to a different place? Someplace that no one can touch you (unless you want to be touched?)…
Every inside joke is much better the second time around…Since it is an inside joke, that inside joke can take those that are “inside” to a different place…
Relaxation…A nice lazy day to do nothing…A nice day to have your back ache from lying around all goddamn day…Chisel a few more off the surface…Of everything…Your skin…your heart…your eyesight…
Now the tricky part for everyone is to go back into every single rant and dissect it like every one of my other words that I claim to own throughout the years when and if they were actually given the time of day…Do you have the time for me? Do you have the sensibility to see what you could be missing? Do you realize what you could be giving up? Do you understand the true meaning of beauty? Do you see clearly?
I wish I was more psychic than I actually am…I could see what is on the horizon…I feel certain things that will happen….I know they will…Whether positive or negative, they all keep the world spinning…For some reason…Do you think fish get dizzy from the world spinning? I would…
There’s something on my neck…Not a hickey…Not a freckle…Other than my necklace that I got a Cedar Point with the band…(don’t leave me, please!)…It keeps coming back…
Self-fulfilling prophecy…It’s all laid out in front of you…Do you miss being needed? Do you miss being wanted? I’m talking about being wanted so bad that it’s all you think about? Do you miss having something that no one else in the world could possibly understand or are you like me and are still in the terminal waiting for the other passengers to get off?
I want to be confusing…I want to be understandable…I want to be wanted…I want what I want…I want a picture of my face on the bottom of my toilet bowl so I can laugh at the fact that I’m pissing on myself every time I go to the bathroom…I know it could be possible and I could do it myself but it would be too much work to get a quality picture of myself, get it laminated or waterproofed and then put it at the bottom of my toilet…
I am so alive…I’m so alive that everything around me is blurry…I’m so alive that even though my brain is deteriorating by the second, I’m feeling the true meaning of whatever meaning is…And I’m missing it…I’ve missed out on a lot already for the sake of being me…Some hate me for it…Some actually admire me for it…I am a trophy, ya’ know…I’ve been engraved quite a few times…Every engraving means something else…Can you see all of it or is your vision blurred?
You want your stability…I say fuck stability…Live life so you can miss everything else…
Do you believe in love? What exactly do you believe in? Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe in the belief of having your own beliefs or are you just another cog in the machine that keeps the fish dizzy?
I want something beautiful…And of course, I still: want it all…money, fast cars, diamond rings, gold chains and champagne, shit…every damn thing…
Good greed…Love…happiness…of course, none of them are stable…Kinda’ like me, I guess…What a shame that we’re all scared…What a shame that all of our vision is blurry…
Look into the eyes of a child or an animal and everything can make sense…
I’ll close my eyes now…
Maybe I was stabbed in the eyeball in my sleep…I do have to cover my entire body with a blanket when I sleep (along hugging my pillow)…(there’s just not enough cuddling in the world…)…
I am a cuddle monster…I have fangs…You have fangs…I have claws…You have claws…Its just a matter of who wants to clean who’s claws…
I’ve got plenty of cleaning products…I’ve got plenty of time (not really)…I know it must be ironic for me to say something about “cleaning” considering that I’m such a slob…But that’s just part of my character…If I was anal, I’d live in Lakewood…oops…Never mind…
On the journey…Domo dera maqauto Tokyo…I’m gonna’ liven up every crowd from now on…I’ll just do that to clean my claws…
Do you really know how much beauty there is in the world? I’m not talking in the floating plastic bag American Beauty sort of way either…Look around you…Everything could be beautiful…Can you see it? Every moment could be exceptional…Every breath could be sweet as the sweetest Sugar Daddy(…do you remember those? How about Astro Pops?)…If you let it be…
Poor kitten…You don’t get enough attention…Was it you that scratched my cornea? Was it you that blurred my vision? Your markings show true beauty…Your markings are part of your character…At least you listen…
Maybe the gratification by self is finally catching up with me…I haven’t had a vision test for a very long time…I don’t always see what’s in front of my face…I haven’t been to the doctor in a long time either…Not since I got my nut checked out…(thanks for the free “feel-up” doc!)
Can a song take you to a different place? Can a car take you to a different place? Someplace that no one can touch you (unless you want to be touched?)…
Every inside joke is much better the second time around…Since it is an inside joke, that inside joke can take those that are “inside” to a different place…
Relaxation…A nice lazy day to do nothing…A nice day to have your back ache from lying around all goddamn day…Chisel a few more off the surface…Of everything…Your skin…your heart…your eyesight…
Now the tricky part for everyone is to go back into every single rant and dissect it like every one of my other words that I claim to own throughout the years when and if they were actually given the time of day…Do you have the time for me? Do you have the sensibility to see what you could be missing? Do you realize what you could be giving up? Do you understand the true meaning of beauty? Do you see clearly?
I wish I was more psychic than I actually am…I could see what is on the horizon…I feel certain things that will happen….I know they will…Whether positive or negative, they all keep the world spinning…For some reason…Do you think fish get dizzy from the world spinning? I would…
There’s something on my neck…Not a hickey…Not a freckle…Other than my necklace that I got a Cedar Point with the band…(don’t leave me, please!)…It keeps coming back…
Self-fulfilling prophecy…It’s all laid out in front of you…Do you miss being needed? Do you miss being wanted? I’m talking about being wanted so bad that it’s all you think about? Do you miss having something that no one else in the world could possibly understand or are you like me and are still in the terminal waiting for the other passengers to get off?
I want to be confusing…I want to be understandable…I want to be wanted…I want what I want…I want a picture of my face on the bottom of my toilet bowl so I can laugh at the fact that I’m pissing on myself every time I go to the bathroom…I know it could be possible and I could do it myself but it would be too much work to get a quality picture of myself, get it laminated or waterproofed and then put it at the bottom of my toilet…
I am so alive…I’m so alive that everything around me is blurry…I’m so alive that even though my brain is deteriorating by the second, I’m feeling the true meaning of whatever meaning is…And I’m missing it…I’ve missed out on a lot already for the sake of being me…Some hate me for it…Some actually admire me for it…I am a trophy, ya’ know…I’ve been engraved quite a few times…Every engraving means something else…Can you see all of it or is your vision blurred?
You want your stability…I say fuck stability…Live life so you can miss everything else…
Do you believe in love? What exactly do you believe in? Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe in the belief of having your own beliefs or are you just another cog in the machine that keeps the fish dizzy?
I want something beautiful…And of course, I still: want it all…money, fast cars, diamond rings, gold chains and champagne, shit…every damn thing…
Good greed…Love…happiness…of course, none of them are stable…Kinda’ like me, I guess…What a shame that we’re all scared…What a shame that all of our vision is blurry…
Look into the eyes of a child or an animal and everything can make sense…
I’ll close my eyes now…
I always knew I was tasty but I never really
knew how much…You don’t even need the cheese…
As I’m looking down right now, I see love…Not my wang…Not my amazingly beautiful feet that I have a fetish for…Porn? Nah…
Scanning a bunch of new pictures right now…It’s about 1:30 on a Tuesday night…
Actually got a lot done tonight…Jacked my shit about 3 times already and its still kinda’ early for me…Worked on my fab abs…Cleaned some of the Penthouse Suite up…(even though I have been “cleaning” it since November…Ask the rest of the fuckers and they’ll tell ya’ what a slob I am…Hey, I got better shit to worry about…Like bangin’ bitches…Just kidding…)…Pet the kitty…Watched Detroit kick the shit out of the Lakers…(Do you know what I like about Detroit?)…Wondering where everyone was on Friday night that said they’d be there…Hmmm…
So then I wonder to myself like I always do about things that make me more and more confused…
Ok…Hear me out…Don’t eat me out…I’m not that kind of girl…
I know I’m pretty selfish…I’ll be honest…I know I am…But those that make something out of themselves have to be a little selfish right? Later on in life I can do my part…Or not…
But in my mind I try to scratch other people’s backs…I may even return the favor after shaving a back or so…I think I try to keep my promises…I try to show up on time…I try to show up in most cases…I’m such a whore…I’m really tired of being the whore…I’m tired of a lot of things…I’d like to be the good one…I’d like to not be crucified for trying to live…My hands hurt from the nails…Again…Blasphemy…
I still just want to be understood…Not gonna’ happen…It would be nice for people to be proud of something…I think I would be proud if something was on the other side of the plank…But nothing matters…Because everyone else is selfish…Not in the reasons that would be considered “good selfish” in my eyes…But then again, my eyes only see through the kaleidoscope of me…Just bitching again…Just ranting again…You know me…Me…me…me…Not totally true…I try to pleasure first then its my turn…
But I’m tired…Its time for a new outlook on things…I’ve done the turn around with my own personal demons when it comes to looking on the bright side…I’ve grown up when it comes to not taking things so seriously…I’ve done a complete 180 when it comes to actual emotions and feelings (of course, some may say in the wrong way)…But I really don’t care…I’ll do what I want…its my body…
I’ve pounded the pavement…I’ve pushed it on everyone…I’ve gone the extra mile…I’m gonna’ sit this lap out…If you want to win, get on the pit crew…If not, fuck off…
You’d better hope that you don’t need anything from me…I really haven’t asked that much…Just a little understanding…And what a deal…People are crazy…Everyone is crazy…Except for me…
Just have the balls to tell me what’s on your mind…If you wanna’ fight or fuck, tell me…
And to the dick on Clifton the other day: Road rage could get you fucked up…Take a pill mother fucker…You should be killed…You should be put to sleep…Dick…
Back on track…not really…
Maybe I just push my selfishness on people too much…Sorry…Maybe I am annoying when it comes to certain things…Maybe I do push the issue too much when I want you to dress up in a nun uniform…Maybe I shouldn’t want to take pictures of you on the toilet…
That’s fine…Just ranting…Don’t ask anything else from me…I’m tired…I seem to have a great talent of pissing everyone off…The 4 year rule…That’s why I’m on the 2 day plan…As long as everyone goes away except for the anchors…I love my band…I have too much fun with my band…Even though we have communication issues sometimes, they are the shit…There are way too many laughs and experiences that no one will ever know because they’re scared to let loose…We’ve let loose…We are on the loose…We just want to rock and roll all nite and party every day…
There are way too many things I don’t want to give up…There are way too many people I want to meet…There are way too many tits to look at…There are way too many road trips to take…
I love road trips…It shows what’s going on…I love the fact that we get along so well…I love that I look forward to weekends so I can hang with my peeps…I love the fact that my best friends in the world are in my band…That makes me smile…So does Daniel…I wonder how rare that is…I love my band…For the rest of the world…You already know…I’m on a mission
As I’m looking down right now, I see love…Not my wang…Not my amazingly beautiful feet that I have a fetish for…Porn? Nah…
Scanning a bunch of new pictures right now…It’s about 1:30 on a Tuesday night…
Actually got a lot done tonight…Jacked my shit about 3 times already and its still kinda’ early for me…Worked on my fab abs…Cleaned some of the Penthouse Suite up…(even though I have been “cleaning” it since November…Ask the rest of the fuckers and they’ll tell ya’ what a slob I am…Hey, I got better shit to worry about…Like bangin’ bitches…Just kidding…)…Pet the kitty…Watched Detroit kick the shit out of the Lakers…(Do you know what I like about Detroit?)…Wondering where everyone was on Friday night that said they’d be there…Hmmm…
So then I wonder to myself like I always do about things that make me more and more confused…
Ok…Hear me out…Don’t eat me out…I’m not that kind of girl…
I know I’m pretty selfish…I’ll be honest…I know I am…But those that make something out of themselves have to be a little selfish right? Later on in life I can do my part…Or not…
But in my mind I try to scratch other people’s backs…I may even return the favor after shaving a back or so…I think I try to keep my promises…I try to show up on time…I try to show up in most cases…I’m such a whore…I’m really tired of being the whore…I’m tired of a lot of things…I’d like to be the good one…I’d like to not be crucified for trying to live…My hands hurt from the nails…Again…Blasphemy…
I still just want to be understood…Not gonna’ happen…It would be nice for people to be proud of something…I think I would be proud if something was on the other side of the plank…But nothing matters…Because everyone else is selfish…Not in the reasons that would be considered “good selfish” in my eyes…But then again, my eyes only see through the kaleidoscope of me…Just bitching again…Just ranting again…You know me…Me…me…me…Not totally true…I try to pleasure first then its my turn…
But I’m tired…Its time for a new outlook on things…I’ve done the turn around with my own personal demons when it comes to looking on the bright side…I’ve grown up when it comes to not taking things so seriously…I’ve done a complete 180 when it comes to actual emotions and feelings (of course, some may say in the wrong way)…But I really don’t care…I’ll do what I want…its my body…
I’ve pounded the pavement…I’ve pushed it on everyone…I’ve gone the extra mile…I’m gonna’ sit this lap out…If you want to win, get on the pit crew…If not, fuck off…
You’d better hope that you don’t need anything from me…I really haven’t asked that much…Just a little understanding…And what a deal…People are crazy…Everyone is crazy…Except for me…
Just have the balls to tell me what’s on your mind…If you wanna’ fight or fuck, tell me…
And to the dick on Clifton the other day: Road rage could get you fucked up…Take a pill mother fucker…You should be killed…You should be put to sleep…Dick…
Back on track…not really…
Maybe I just push my selfishness on people too much…Sorry…Maybe I am annoying when it comes to certain things…Maybe I do push the issue too much when I want you to dress up in a nun uniform…Maybe I shouldn’t want to take pictures of you on the toilet…
That’s fine…Just ranting…Don’t ask anything else from me…I’m tired…I seem to have a great talent of pissing everyone off…The 4 year rule…That’s why I’m on the 2 day plan…As long as everyone goes away except for the anchors…I love my band…I have too much fun with my band…Even though we have communication issues sometimes, they are the shit…There are way too many laughs and experiences that no one will ever know because they’re scared to let loose…We’ve let loose…We are on the loose…We just want to rock and roll all nite and party every day…
There are way too many things I don’t want to give up…There are way too many people I want to meet…There are way too many tits to look at…There are way too many road trips to take…
I love road trips…It shows what’s going on…I love the fact that we get along so well…I love that I look forward to weekends so I can hang with my peeps…I love the fact that my best friends in the world are in my band…That makes me smile…So does Daniel…I wonder how rare that is…I love my band…For the rest of the world…You already know…I’m on a mission
I’ve always wondered what real purpose the
“news” served…Its always bad…There’s always
some man and woman that take themselves way
too serious while reading from a tv for a
living…I used to actually study anchor people’s
eyebrows when I was younger because they
are really quite interesting…About the most
interesting part of the news…Try it sometime…You’ll
get a good laugh…its almost like watching
a game of pong…The news is kind of like pong…One
bad story from anchorman A to bad story from
anchorwoman A…
But the real reason I question the news the most recently is because they seem to report things that “could” happen for you to watch out for but they’re really just putting that “bad” idea into more people’s heads…Don’t you think the odds of that bad thing happening would’ve been less if they wouldn’t have reported it to “protect” you? I think so…
I’ve met a few local celebrity news reporters and its true…They’re bigger dicks than rock stars…I’d like to see their riders…I’m sure that doesn’t apply to all of them but the ones I’ve met have been kooky characters…
Maybe I should’ve been an anchorman…I’ve got the voice and the eyebrows for it…
Maybe that’s why so much of the human race is apathetic…Because we hear so much bad news that we should always expect the worst…We can never look on the bright side…Maybe those motivational speakers have it right…They had an idea to help people see things more positively, made a bunch of money and just have to be happy right? Cuz ya’ know, money buys you happiness…
But at least they tried (even if some or all are scams…)
That’s why I don’t watch the news anymore…That’s why I don’t watch t.v. much anymore…I’ve turned over many leaves and actually turned down quite a few leaves too…(Thanks to the cool ways to say no to weed!…Thanks HorseAss!)…
I know that I’m a miserable person inside but that doesn’t mean I can’t fake the outside exterior to some and show how fun and happy I can be…I used to be the news…I still am in many ways…I am the newspaper…Sometimes I’m the funnies…Sometimes the reality section…Someday the obituary section…Never, never the engagement section…(I know, I know…”Chris…you’ll never be happy with that attitude because that’s the philosophy I was taught and I now believe I’m happy because I have “someone”…)…Another part of the news that’s depressing…Wool Over Rant…you know I’ll never trust again…Sorry…Its gonna’ take something huge in my life to make me turn the page to the lifestyles section and take off the lifestyles…
That’s why I’m gonna’ take myself so seriously from now on that no one will be able to talk to me…I’m done being the funny, happy, smart, handsome, talented, amazing, sexual dynamo, cute, wise, deep, long wanged, smiling, caring, sensitive, adorable, gifted, specimen that I am (hope I didn’t forget anything)…
Turn the page…You know that’s not true…I never finish anything…Anything important that is…Like the news…or the newspaper…Or resolutions that I make up in rants to worry the “masses”…But some things are true …Some things are reported accurately…Its just that most of the news from my life is absolutely no one’s business but mine…Not gonna’ let ya’ read too much all of the time…
Turn the page…watch my eyebrows…I’m serious…
But the real reason I question the news the most recently is because they seem to report things that “could” happen for you to watch out for but they’re really just putting that “bad” idea into more people’s heads…Don’t you think the odds of that bad thing happening would’ve been less if they wouldn’t have reported it to “protect” you? I think so…
I’ve met a few local celebrity news reporters and its true…They’re bigger dicks than rock stars…I’d like to see their riders…I’m sure that doesn’t apply to all of them but the ones I’ve met have been kooky characters…
Maybe I should’ve been an anchorman…I’ve got the voice and the eyebrows for it…
Maybe that’s why so much of the human race is apathetic…Because we hear so much bad news that we should always expect the worst…We can never look on the bright side…Maybe those motivational speakers have it right…They had an idea to help people see things more positively, made a bunch of money and just have to be happy right? Cuz ya’ know, money buys you happiness…
But at least they tried (even if some or all are scams…)
That’s why I don’t watch the news anymore…That’s why I don’t watch t.v. much anymore…I’ve turned over many leaves and actually turned down quite a few leaves too…(Thanks to the cool ways to say no to weed!…Thanks HorseAss!)…
I know that I’m a miserable person inside but that doesn’t mean I can’t fake the outside exterior to some and show how fun and happy I can be…I used to be the news…I still am in many ways…I am the newspaper…Sometimes I’m the funnies…Sometimes the reality section…Someday the obituary section…Never, never the engagement section…(I know, I know…”Chris…you’ll never be happy with that attitude because that’s the philosophy I was taught and I now believe I’m happy because I have “someone”…)…Another part of the news that’s depressing…Wool Over Rant…you know I’ll never trust again…Sorry…Its gonna’ take something huge in my life to make me turn the page to the lifestyles section and take off the lifestyles…
That’s why I’m gonna’ take myself so seriously from now on that no one will be able to talk to me…I’m done being the funny, happy, smart, handsome, talented, amazing, sexual dynamo, cute, wise, deep, long wanged, smiling, caring, sensitive, adorable, gifted, specimen that I am (hope I didn’t forget anything)…
Turn the page…You know that’s not true…I never finish anything…Anything important that is…Like the news…or the newspaper…Or resolutions that I make up in rants to worry the “masses”…But some things are true …Some things are reported accurately…Its just that most of the news from my life is absolutely no one’s business but mine…Not gonna’ let ya’ read too much all of the time…
Turn the page…watch my eyebrows…I’m serious…
| June 2, 2004 This week’s rant is coming straight to you
from my little recorder (I say little because
“little” things are cute, right? Well…I keep
telling myself that so I don’t get more insecure…)
So I’m wondering if its all a ploy…Am I actually smart to spill my guts out to all of you so when the time comes, I’ll be thrust into the lion’s den without my say so…I probably will because I’m so fuckin’ amazing…I probably will because all great critics need a target…I’m just the guy for the job… Why is that? Because I still haven’t really heard or read a review that bothered me and I’ll tell you why… Uh…I don’t care…I really don’t…I appreciate constructive criticism from people that I respect…I appreciate head in the car…I appreciate a lot of things…(especially my kitty)…I also really appreciate Journey… I think one of the reasons that I don’t care is because I don’t care…I’m set in my ways that I love what I do and what we as Sindust do enough that everyone in the world that opposes us can lick my sweaty sack… So I guess I’ll come off as a dick…And then you can come off my dick…Mostly because I’m still a dick…And you know that all the girls that I know that I don’t bang because they’re friends of friends will say that I’m just acting tough…but maybe I am…But I really don’t care… What I do care about, the people that should listen don’t…But that’s fine…Just as long as someone listens…Even if that someone is me…Even if that someone hasn’t arrived yet…Even if that someone is 3 apples high and says “mow”…(how cute!)… But everyone knows what a sweetheart I am deep down…Especially all the bitches…(just kidding…)…Everyone knows how cool I am…(When I say everyone, I mean me and Daniel)… But I don’t care… Obituary had a song called “I don’t care”…for some reason they got passed up for a grammy that year…Not sure why…Oh…I know…Probably cuz the people at the grammy’s don’t know what the fuck is going on…(This year’s best hard rock/heavy metal nominees are: Third Eye Blind, Matchbox 20, Creed, 3 doors down, and John Mayer)…or something like that… I hope I’m never nominated for a grammy…Have I said this before? Can’t quite remember… Blindside should be bigger than they are (even though they are Christians…just kidding)…What a great band…I love ‘em…Diffuser should be bigger than they are…Nonpoint and Ours should be bigger than they are…Fingertight and Audiovent should’ve been more recognized…it sucks though…Another double edged sword…If any of these bands would get too big, they would get annoying because they’d get overplayed because the radio industry needs to have a complete overhaul and let the listeners decide what gets played like it used to…A sad state of the world for us pathetic losers that put all of our chips on this life…On the other hand, if they don’t sell enough records, they’ll get dropped and I won’t get to hear the cool shit that comes out of those bands… Anyone want to go see Michael MacDonald and Hall and Oates on August 29 (happy b-day Zac!)…? Let me know and we’ll go together…Tickets are only $25…I can’t wait… If you don’t want to go, I don’t care…I’m still going… I keep forgettin’…I love Billy Ocean too… If you don’t, I don’t care…But I know you love me… I’m Kid Ego… |
I’m happy at this moment in time…
I have a brand new friend…a friend that will never stab me in the back (except with his claws)…A friend that will love me as long as I love him…A friend a little furrier than me…A friend that I can talk baby talk to and not have to have the issues of having a baby…A friend that will always understand when I talk to him…A friend that can listen and critique new songs…a friend that will look up to me…A friend that will depend on me just as I will depend on him…
Daniel Veal Phillip Michael Thomas Rocky V Larusso Donley II…My new kitty…
I’ll be a great mother…He’s so cute…I’ve already toilet trained him and taught him a few Spanish dirty words…He’s really smart…I’ll make sure I take a bunch of pictures…They grow up so fast…
he looks a little bit like one of my old kitties, Phil…RIP…
So now you’re probably wondering about the name…Well…It’s a good name…And it rolls off of the tongue nicely too…All the names have significance…Just like my kitty…A new pillar in my stability…Maybe I’ll tell ya’ about the name some other time…
I don’t really want to get him fixed though I’d like to be…Maybe that’ll be a nice trade off…I’ll get neutered instead of Daniel…Who knows…
He makes me smile…I love my kitty…He’s my buddy…I love my buddy…We can climb a tree…We can frolic about…We can go to the park…We can have a picnic…We can get high together…We can hang and not have to worry about anything…
I love my kitty…
Thanks for the kitty…
Anyone wishing to send your best catnip can do so by mailing it to me…If you know my address, that’s cool…If not, there’s probably a reason for it…Not sure who to trust…You might steal my buddy…
I love my kitty…
I have a brand new friend…a friend that will never stab me in the back (except with his claws)…A friend that will love me as long as I love him…A friend a little furrier than me…A friend that I can talk baby talk to and not have to have the issues of having a baby…A friend that will always understand when I talk to him…A friend that can listen and critique new songs…a friend that will look up to me…A friend that will depend on me just as I will depend on him…
Daniel Veal Phillip Michael Thomas Rocky V Larusso Donley II…My new kitty…
I’ll be a great mother…He’s so cute…I’ve already toilet trained him and taught him a few Spanish dirty words…He’s really smart…I’ll make sure I take a bunch of pictures…They grow up so fast…
he looks a little bit like one of my old kitties, Phil…RIP…
So now you’re probably wondering about the name…Well…It’s a good name…And it rolls off of the tongue nicely too…All the names have significance…Just like my kitty…A new pillar in my stability…Maybe I’ll tell ya’ about the name some other time…
I don’t really want to get him fixed though I’d like to be…Maybe that’ll be a nice trade off…I’ll get neutered instead of Daniel…Who knows…
He makes me smile…I love my kitty…He’s my buddy…I love my buddy…We can climb a tree…We can frolic about…We can go to the park…We can have a picnic…We can get high together…We can hang and not have to worry about anything…
I love my kitty…
Thanks for the kitty…
Anyone wishing to send your best catnip can do so by mailing it to me…If you know my address, that’s cool…If not, there’s probably a reason for it…Not sure who to trust…You might steal my buddy…
I love my kitty…
Some news lately has really made me think…I
already had another rant written but felt
that I should do this instead…I’ll save the
other rant for next week…
Humans really are scum…
I am truly sorry…I am truly sorry…
You should be killed…You should forever burn in hell…You motherfuckin’ scumbag…
Just know that I’m here for you…
If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know…
I am truly sorry…
I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry and I hope this person should feel the same…Mother fucker…
I am truly sorry…
Oh…what the fuck…Here’s the other rant…
How in the fuck can that fatass Dr. Phil have a diet book? I am truly baffled…The housewives of America need to get up off of their fatasses and figure out what life is…
I don’t know how I could live with myself if I was a fatass housewife…
But…I need to rant…
Do you ever notice that they believe everything they read, see or hear? The t.v. is killing more brain cells than ever these days (even though its always been that way)…It really does rot your brain…So much so that if Oprah Hitler ran for president, she’d probably win because all of the fatass housewife sheep of the world would actually get up off of their fatasses to vote for her fatass…
I don’t mean to sound mad but I passed a Dr. Phil billboard today that said “The Weight’s Over”…What the fuck? He has a gut…I know this because I subscribe to a “Husky Boy Newsletter” and Dr. Fat was on the cover of that too…Oprah and Dr. Fat are hatching a plan to take over the country in their own fat fashion…They’ll do it by convincing all of the fatass housewives that they are “special” and they deserve “better” when they must have it rough anyway…And since the majority of marriages are one-sided puss-whipped competitions between the evil conspirators that gather at hair salons that are employed with next generation fatass housewives that will one day take over the role of their predecessors when its funny anyway that about 90% of “beauticians” still have the Aqua-net look of 1990…
Although I have no room to talk in the “looks” department, Dr. Fat must be taken care of… He is a threat…Just like the Ryan Seacrests of the world…Luckily, I heard he’s been cancelled…
And since money grows on trees for the fatass housewives of America, they’ll keep the economy going by buying up shit they don’t need while in the meantime, the whipped bastards won’t say no…Another brick in the wall of my views…No thank you…
Fuck Dr. Fat…how in the world did so many allow this guy to have his own show…I can’t wait in a couple of years when his skeletons come out of the closet and his marriage is fucked or his kids (if he has any) are addicted to crack…Then, and only then will the pedestal be stolen from below the feet…Mr. Know it all fuck…I may claim to be a know it all, but I try and mind my own business…But this is something that really gets under my fat skin…
What do we really need? Do we need a fat guy telling us how to lose weight? Should we have a deaf guy telling us what music is good? Should we have a whore tell us what a whore she is (probably…then we could nail her…just kidding…)? …What about a gimp with 1 leg explaining the correct way on how to run a marathon? Who knows…that could be possible, right?
And don’t think I’m being “mean” because I’m saying the word “fat” so much…I’m just confused about the state of things as always…
I’m just kidding about all of this…It doesn’t’ really bother me that much…I’m just proving a point that everyone gets upset too easily about everything…I just won’t listen to Dr. Fat…If I see a Dr. Fat billboard, I’ll look away…If I ever accidentally get married, I’ll throw out the t.v. so the fatass housewife won’t be able to be brainwashed by Dr. Fat and Oprah Hitler…I’ll cut my own hair maybe so I don’t become even a bigger subject in the gossip forum…No one needs to know that my penis is small…wait a minute…Maybe if I had a nice sized gut, it would cover that up…hmmm…
Maybe that Dr. Fat is on to something…
Nah…
DOWN WITH DR. FAT!
ps…All of my skeletons are being built up right now…Stay tuned!
Humans really are scum…
I am truly sorry…I am truly sorry…
You should be killed…You should forever burn in hell…You motherfuckin’ scumbag…
Just know that I’m here for you…
If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know…
I am truly sorry…
I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry and I hope this person should feel the same…Mother fucker…
I am truly sorry…
Oh…what the fuck…Here’s the other rant…
How in the fuck can that fatass Dr. Phil have a diet book? I am truly baffled…The housewives of America need to get up off of their fatasses and figure out what life is…
I don’t know how I could live with myself if I was a fatass housewife…
But…I need to rant…
Do you ever notice that they believe everything they read, see or hear? The t.v. is killing more brain cells than ever these days (even though its always been that way)…It really does rot your brain…So much so that if Oprah Hitler ran for president, she’d probably win because all of the fatass housewife sheep of the world would actually get up off of their fatasses to vote for her fatass…
I don’t mean to sound mad but I passed a Dr. Phil billboard today that said “The Weight’s Over”…What the fuck? He has a gut…I know this because I subscribe to a “Husky Boy Newsletter” and Dr. Fat was on the cover of that too…Oprah and Dr. Fat are hatching a plan to take over the country in their own fat fashion…They’ll do it by convincing all of the fatass housewives that they are “special” and they deserve “better” when they must have it rough anyway…And since the majority of marriages are one-sided puss-whipped competitions between the evil conspirators that gather at hair salons that are employed with next generation fatass housewives that will one day take over the role of their predecessors when its funny anyway that about 90% of “beauticians” still have the Aqua-net look of 1990…
Although I have no room to talk in the “looks” department, Dr. Fat must be taken care of… He is a threat…Just like the Ryan Seacrests of the world…Luckily, I heard he’s been cancelled…
And since money grows on trees for the fatass housewives of America, they’ll keep the economy going by buying up shit they don’t need while in the meantime, the whipped bastards won’t say no…Another brick in the wall of my views…No thank you…
Fuck Dr. Fat…how in the world did so many allow this guy to have his own show…I can’t wait in a couple of years when his skeletons come out of the closet and his marriage is fucked or his kids (if he has any) are addicted to crack…Then, and only then will the pedestal be stolen from below the feet…Mr. Know it all fuck…I may claim to be a know it all, but I try and mind my own business…But this is something that really gets under my fat skin…
What do we really need? Do we need a fat guy telling us how to lose weight? Should we have a deaf guy telling us what music is good? Should we have a whore tell us what a whore she is (probably…then we could nail her…just kidding…)? …What about a gimp with 1 leg explaining the correct way on how to run a marathon? Who knows…that could be possible, right?
And don’t think I’m being “mean” because I’m saying the word “fat” so much…I’m just confused about the state of things as always…
I’m just kidding about all of this…It doesn’t’ really bother me that much…I’m just proving a point that everyone gets upset too easily about everything…I just won’t listen to Dr. Fat…If I see a Dr. Fat billboard, I’ll look away…If I ever accidentally get married, I’ll throw out the t.v. so the fatass housewife won’t be able to be brainwashed by Dr. Fat and Oprah Hitler…I’ll cut my own hair maybe so I don’t become even a bigger subject in the gossip forum…No one needs to know that my penis is small…wait a minute…Maybe if I had a nice sized gut, it would cover that up…hmmm…
Maybe that Dr. Fat is on to something…
Nah…
DOWN WITH DR. FAT!
ps…All of my skeletons are being built up right now…Stay tuned!
Got a new tattoo today…It’s a tattoo of Tattoo
from Fantasy Island…I always thought he was
so ugly that he was cute, ya’ know? Da’ plane,
Da’ plane…Rip…I’ve already said that…
Pretty funny that my tattoo guy was telling me that “are you sure you want it on your chode? Its pretty tender down there”…Not really…(I’m sure it is tender but that’s not what I was talking about)…But he was worried that I wouldn’t be able to hack a giant portrait of myself on the inside of my arm…So I didn’t get a giant portrait of myself…I got something else on the inside of my arm…Not inside, (where the blood flows in the veins of my demise), but on the inner part of my arm…
No pain…Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI! Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI! Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI!
Why is that? Pinch me…I must be dreaming…I must be dreaming with no nerves…Maybe I lost my nerve…Maybe I’m too “nerve” ous…Who knows…Ous is a fun ending…If you’re generous though, when exactly are you gener? I don’t know…
Poke me…Stab me…Draw some blood…I don’t even know if I bleed anymore…Well, I know the answer…Luckily, it clotted a long time ago…
I’ve been thinking about quitting the rants again because it allows people to take what I say way out of context…I’ve been thinking about stopping the rants because people that may want to attempt to get to know me, don’t yet know my sense of humor and realize that 99.9% of the time, I’m totally kidding…Or totally sarcastic…Or totally serious…Not seri…
They all have too many feelings…Too many mental stop signs and impulses from their brains flash a red light after reading the rants…Too much thought put into things sometimes causes more trouble than it should…Other times, not enough thought is put into the underlying treasure…
Too many feelings to hurt…Too many feelings to disrupt the norm…Too many idiots in the world…I’m one of ‘em…Luckily, my feelings don’t really matter anymore…I’m totally fine with that…I enjoy go-carting…Its fun…So is hanging with new people…Sometimes…Until I get bored…I get bored really easily…Not sure if its because I don’t have feelings anymore or because I learn too quickly about people even though I’m sure there’s an infinite amount to learn from people…The hard part is getting to it…Digging it up…Uncovering the truths about people…I’m not talking about skeletons in the closet either…Just getting to know someone…But I’m not sure if I even want to try to do that anymore…I might dig too deep…I might seem pushy…I never seem to know the right buttons to push…(well…except for 1 instance…You tell ‘em Rute…What do I do?)…But that’s fine too…
Everyone will get in too deep…I’m tired of being the lifeguard…All adults out of the pool…If your lungs didn’t have feelings, then you could dive forever…You wouldn’t need that blasted h2o…Fuckin’ molecules anyway…Who do they think they are?
Just someone make me real…again…Make me feel again…Please…
Pretty funny that my tattoo guy was telling me that “are you sure you want it on your chode? Its pretty tender down there”…Not really…(I’m sure it is tender but that’s not what I was talking about)…But he was worried that I wouldn’t be able to hack a giant portrait of myself on the inside of my arm…So I didn’t get a giant portrait of myself…I got something else on the inside of my arm…Not inside, (where the blood flows in the veins of my demise), but on the inner part of my arm…
No pain…Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI! Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI! Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO SENSEI!
Why is that? Pinch me…I must be dreaming…I must be dreaming with no nerves…Maybe I lost my nerve…Maybe I’m too “nerve” ous…Who knows…Ous is a fun ending…If you’re generous though, when exactly are you gener? I don’t know…
Poke me…Stab me…Draw some blood…I don’t even know if I bleed anymore…Well, I know the answer…Luckily, it clotted a long time ago…
I’ve been thinking about quitting the rants again because it allows people to take what I say way out of context…I’ve been thinking about stopping the rants because people that may want to attempt to get to know me, don’t yet know my sense of humor and realize that 99.9% of the time, I’m totally kidding…Or totally sarcastic…Or totally serious…Not seri…
They all have too many feelings…Too many mental stop signs and impulses from their brains flash a red light after reading the rants…Too much thought put into things sometimes causes more trouble than it should…Other times, not enough thought is put into the underlying treasure…
Too many feelings to hurt…Too many feelings to disrupt the norm…Too many idiots in the world…I’m one of ‘em…Luckily, my feelings don’t really matter anymore…I’m totally fine with that…I enjoy go-carting…Its fun…So is hanging with new people…Sometimes…Until I get bored…I get bored really easily…Not sure if its because I don’t have feelings anymore or because I learn too quickly about people even though I’m sure there’s an infinite amount to learn from people…The hard part is getting to it…Digging it up…Uncovering the truths about people…I’m not talking about skeletons in the closet either…Just getting to know someone…But I’m not sure if I even want to try to do that anymore…I might dig too deep…I might seem pushy…I never seem to know the right buttons to push…(well…except for 1 instance…You tell ‘em Rute…What do I do?)…But that’s fine too…
Everyone will get in too deep…I’m tired of being the lifeguard…All adults out of the pool…If your lungs didn’t have feelings, then you could dive forever…You wouldn’t need that blasted h2o…Fuckin’ molecules anyway…Who do they think they are?
Just someone make me real…again…Make me feel again…Please…
Staring at the backs of my eyelids…Licking
my elbow…Catching the winning touchdown…Touching
my toes…What do all of these things have
in common? Haven’t been able to do any of
them…But I’ll work on it…I promise…
I’ve been thinking (not really, just now)about things that I want to do before I go…
What would you do? You can’t say me either…Just kidding…Of course I just made it all up just now to make sense and to get this week’s rant out of the way cuz its late and I have to get to bed sometime and allow the sandman to tease me as usual…I’ll just lie there…I promise…
Some of the things that I want to do before I go:
Go skydiving - http://skydiving.com/
Get a tattoo of your name or picture - http://www.sexinfo101.com/cgi-bin/index.cgi?script=picview&pic=/funnypix/tattoo14.jpg
Touch my toes - http://www.karatedepot.com/stretchingequipment.html
heroin - http://www.herointimes.com/
Win the lottery - http://www.national-lottery.co.uk/player/p/home/home.do
Take a vacation - http://www.carnival.com/
Fly - http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/
See the ocean again - http://gocalif.ca.gov/state/tourism/tour_homepage.jsp
Take a 7-day nap - http://www.sleepfoundation.org/publications/sleepaids.cfm
Write the “perfect” song - http://www.book.nu/1581151942
Learn some foreign languages - http://www.travlang.com/languages/
Actually make some of my own art in tangible form - http://www.art.net/
Do a metal album - http://www.metalindex.com
Pierce my scrotum - http://tattoo.about.com/cs/beginners/a/blmalegenp.htm
Finish “Crying on the Inside Clown” - http://www.clipartoday.com/people/clown01.html
Be hypnotized - http://www.ngh.net/
Laugh for 24 hours straight - http://www.lisamcpherson.org/images/lisa19d.jpg
Save someone’s life - http://www.wvi.com/~timothyw/rosie/
Finish my screenplays… - http://www.addict-help.com/
Make at least one of them a movie- http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/I41NSYVZIYLN/102-5050548-7152928
Do a standup routine - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001048/
Get drunk - http://www.busch.com/busch.html
Be understood - http://www.popsmear.com/popculture/features/17/wordwar.html
Actually get some muscle when I workout - http://digilander.libero.it/louferrign/
Crap out a turd that looks like Elvis - http://www.scat.dk/
Never hear another 3 doors down song - http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/hearingaid.asp
Do side projects with a few different people - http://www.etl.hu/~csego/patton/
Spend the day with my grandpa - http://www.retirenet.com/
Murder someone - http://www.thinkquest.org/library/site_sum.html?tname=2760&url=2760/homep.htm
Get a kitty - http://www.petfinder.com/pet.cgi
Be happy - http://www.funeralnet.com/
Have my dreams and sleep patterns analyzed - http://www.talkaboutsleep.com/sleepbasics/viewasleepstudy.htm
Take experimental penis enhancing drugs - http://eatthestate.org/02-43/DrugCompanyGuinea.htm
Sit in the middle of my living room floor with only a candle and someone special and talk
Be listened to - http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrld.htm
Play Bullshooters - http://www.thebird.org/assholes/
Meet my “twin” (you know how “they” say that someone is your identical twin somewhere in the world?) - ttp://www.thebird.org/assholes/
Learn to surf - http://surfinglessons.wdwfanatic.com/
Learn to tattoo - http://tattooflash.info/
Have an orgy with only black girls - http://www.upn.com/
Form my own record company - http://www.peoplelikeyou.de/
Publish a poetry book - http://www.chartattack.com/damn/2000/07/1806.cfm
Throw away all alarm clocks – http://www.tom.com
Let the world know the cure for cancer and aids (if only…don’t wake me up) – Nah…
Meet a few of my idols (not Clay or Reuben) - http://billycorgan.com/
Do a side project with that William Hung guy (he’s amazing!) – http://www.retardoftheorient.com
Finish cleaning my place - http://www.dirtylatinamaids.com/pt=scal1880/
Do a Sindust home video (if only for my personal enjoyment) – http://www.dontholdyourbreath.com
Be on cribs - http://www.mtv.com/onair/cribs/
Get invited to the biggest Punk’d episode ever (I’m tellin’ ya’…I think the Ashton and Demi wedding will Punk the world!) - http://www.mtv.com/onair/punkd/
Not hate myself - http://www.head-cleaners.com/selfesteem.html
Binge for 2 weeks straight - http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/binge/
Dance - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092890/
Quit
Have a hairstyle that I like - http://www.supercuts.com/f_home.html
Get on Jeopardy - http://www.jeopardy.com/
Date Britney just to treat her like the piece of trash that she is - http://www.topsitelists.com/start/cuty9876/topsites.html
Not vote - http://www.declareyourself.com/
Realize that life isn’t that bad - http://campcatatonia.org/index.php?blogid=1&catid=43
Understand how others can be so stupid
Help out handicapped people - http://www.specialolympics.org/Special+Olympics+Public+Website/default.htm
Be loved
Be Chachi and not Baio- http://www.tvland.com/shows/happydays/character1.jhtml
Find out whoever invented popups and kick them in the genitals - http://www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp
Man…I’ve got a lot to do…Gotta’ run…
I’ve been thinking (not really, just now)about things that I want to do before I go…
What would you do? You can’t say me either…Just kidding…Of course I just made it all up just now to make sense and to get this week’s rant out of the way cuz its late and I have to get to bed sometime and allow the sandman to tease me as usual…I’ll just lie there…I promise…
Some of the things that I want to do before I go:
Go skydiving - http://skydiving.com/
Get a tattoo of your name or picture - http://www.sexinfo101.com/cgi-bin/index.cgi?script=picview&pic=/funnypix/tattoo14.jpg
Touch my toes - http://www.karatedepot.com/stretchingequipment.html
heroin - http://www.herointimes.com/
Win the lottery - http://www.national-lottery.co.uk/player/p/home/home.do
Take a vacation - http://www.carnival.com/
Fly - http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/
See the ocean again - http://gocalif.ca.gov/state/tourism/tour_homepage.jsp
Take a 7-day nap - http://www.sleepfoundation.org/publications/sleepaids.cfm
Write the “perfect” song - http://www.book.nu/1581151942
Learn some foreign languages - http://www.travlang.com/languages/
Actually make some of my own art in tangible form - http://www.art.net/
Do a metal album - http://www.metalindex.com
Pierce my scrotum - http://tattoo.about.com/cs/beginners/a/blmalegenp.htm
Finish “Crying on the Inside Clown” - http://www.clipartoday.com/people/clown01.html
Be hypnotized - http://www.ngh.net/
Laugh for 24 hours straight - http://www.lisamcpherson.org/images/lisa19d.jpg
Save someone’s life - http://www.wvi.com/~timothyw/rosie/
Finish my screenplays… - http://www.addict-help.com/
Make at least one of them a movie- http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/I41NSYVZIYLN/102-5050548-7152928
Do a standup routine - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001048/
Get drunk - http://www.busch.com/busch.html
Be understood - http://www.popsmear.com/popculture/features/17/wordwar.html
Actually get some muscle when I workout - http://digilander.libero.it/louferrign/
Crap out a turd that looks like Elvis - http://www.scat.dk/
Never hear another 3 doors down song - http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/hearingaid.asp
Do side projects with a few different people - http://www.etl.hu/~csego/patton/
Spend the day with my grandpa - http://www.retirenet.com/
Murder someone - http://www.thinkquest.org/library/site_sum.html?tname=2760&url=2760/homep.htm
Get a kitty - http://www.petfinder.com/pet.cgi
Be happy - http://www.funeralnet.com/
Have my dreams and sleep patterns analyzed - http://www.talkaboutsleep.com/sleepbasics/viewasleepstudy.htm
Take experimental penis enhancing drugs - http://eatthestate.org/02-43/DrugCompanyGuinea.htm
Sit in the middle of my living room floor with only a candle and someone special and talk
Be listened to - http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrld.htm
Play Bullshooters - http://www.thebird.org/assholes/
Meet my “twin” (you know how “they” say that someone is your identical twin somewhere in the world?) - ttp://www.thebird.org/assholes/
Learn to surf - http://surfinglessons.wdwfanatic.com/
Learn to tattoo - http://tattooflash.info/
Have an orgy with only black girls - http://www.upn.com/
Form my own record company - http://www.peoplelikeyou.de/
Publish a poetry book - http://www.chartattack.com/damn/2000/07/1806.cfm
Throw away all alarm clocks – http://www.tom.com
Let the world know the cure for cancer and aids (if only…don’t wake me up) – Nah…
Meet a few of my idols (not Clay or Reuben) - http://billycorgan.com/
Do a side project with that William Hung guy (he’s amazing!) – http://www.retardoftheorient.com
Finish cleaning my place - http://www.dirtylatinamaids.com/pt=scal1880/
Do a Sindust home video (if only for my personal enjoyment) – http://www.dontholdyourbreath.com
Be on cribs - http://www.mtv.com/onair/cribs/
Get invited to the biggest Punk’d episode ever (I’m tellin’ ya’…I think the Ashton and Demi wedding will Punk the world!) - http://www.mtv.com/onair/punkd/
Not hate myself - http://www.head-cleaners.com/selfesteem.html
Binge for 2 weeks straight - http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/binge/
Dance - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092890/
Quit
Have a hairstyle that I like - http://www.supercuts.com/f_home.html
Get on Jeopardy - http://www.jeopardy.com/
Date Britney just to treat her like the piece of trash that she is - http://www.topsitelists.com/start/cuty9876/topsites.html
Not vote - http://www.declareyourself.com/
Realize that life isn’t that bad - http://campcatatonia.org/index.php?blogid=1&catid=43
Understand how others can be so stupid
Help out handicapped people - http://www.specialolympics.org/Special+Olympics+Public+Website/default.htm
Be loved
Be Chachi and not Baio- http://www.tvland.com/shows/happydays/character1.jhtml
Find out whoever invented popups and kick them in the genitals - http://www.microsoft.com/billgates/default.asp
Man…I’ve got a lot to do…Gotta’ run…
Balance…You use your toes for balance, right?
Even if they are uglier than your sister
with the harelip (no offense to those of
you with hare lips…I have a hare lip…More
of hair on my lip…), they can be useful…Especially
if you have a foot fetish…
Balance…A high wire balancing act…Does it really help to hold onto that long pole? You whore…
Balance…New Balance…My gay gym teacher wore those shoes…And ran marathons…And also called shoes “Tennies”…I mentioned that he was gay, right? Just kidding…I think he was married…I think…
Balance…If you drink too much, you lose it…Your hammer, anvil, and stirrup enjoy the alcohol a little too much…Or so I’m told by the demons in my head…
Does that make sense that so much has so much to do with so much? Why would something in your ear make you unable to attain balance? Why does massaging the prostate produce a better orgasm? Why do I always sleep with a pillow to hug on? More of my issues I guess…Just something that I try and convince myself that helps with my balance…
I’ve always been clumsy…I fall all the time…Every day pretty much…I hate stairs…ask any of my friends…Or the people that laugh at me when I fall down stairs…I fall all the time…ouch…it does hurt…It would probably help if I had better balance…
What do ya’ do when you don’t have good balance? At least I’m not like Eileen…You know…That girl with only one left arm and leg? She leans…She probably doesn’t have very good balance at all…
Balance…The scales of justice somehow hold things in place? Hmmm…Justice…Government…Push and pull…Teeter and totter…Good and evil…Love and hate…Crunchy and smoothe…hot and cold…wet and dry…You and me…So much that has to be just for balance to take place…If that’s even a logical statement….Can “balance” actually “take place”? I don’t know…
I just know that somehow, someway, I, like so many others have a decent enough balance to keep me grounded…Except for when I can’t be grounded…Everyone has ups and downs…(except for death metal fans…those miserable motherfuckers never seem to smile…just kidding…)…sure, I hate myself but you wouldn’t be able to tell considering I’m so egotistical…And besides…Maybe I should just take notes from everyone else…They ALL love me, right? Uhh…Yeah…Right…But the world keeps me in check every time I see the things that I have to see to keep my balance…Things that make me want to cry…things that everyone else takes for granted…Things I take for granted…Things like my ugly mug in the mirror that make me wish I was someone else…Even though grandma says I’m handsome…Grandma’s been doing better I guess lately…I’m glad…One of the things that keeps me balanced…Which is another reason I hate myself…
Have you ever been scared of getting too close to someone or something that you don’t want to get too close because you’re afraid you’ll one day lose it? I lost my puppy when I was younger…Sure, we had some fun together, but I was never one of those kids that spent every waking hour of the day with Cheese…(Cheese was my puppy’s name)…I spent enough time to keep me in balance…I guess…Yet I hate myself for it now…
My grandparents are awesome…My grandpa is one of the cutest, funniest, and cool old men that I’ve ever seen…One of the few people in this world that I hate myself for knowing…(that statement is totally a compliment)…I love my grandpa dearly…Of course I don’t get to see him as much as I should…Mostly because of my fear…Fear of getting too close…I don’t want to lose him…I know I will one day…If I get too close, I’ll miss him more…And just thinking about that makes me want to dry up…I already have…I don’t want to be barren…I don’t want to be a desert…I wouldn’t mind being a dessert…Cherry Cheesecake is yummy…
But it keeps me in balance…Not too deep…not deep enough…Another one of my tragic flaws…
Balance…Referring to shoes as “Tennies” is gay…
Balance…A high wire balancing act…Does it really help to hold onto that long pole? You whore…
Balance…New Balance…My gay gym teacher wore those shoes…And ran marathons…And also called shoes “Tennies”…I mentioned that he was gay, right? Just kidding…I think he was married…I think…
Balance…If you drink too much, you lose it…Your hammer, anvil, and stirrup enjoy the alcohol a little too much…Or so I’m told by the demons in my head…
Does that make sense that so much has so much to do with so much? Why would something in your ear make you unable to attain balance? Why does massaging the prostate produce a better orgasm? Why do I always sleep with a pillow to hug on? More of my issues I guess…Just something that I try and convince myself that helps with my balance…
I’ve always been clumsy…I fall all the time…Every day pretty much…I hate stairs…ask any of my friends…Or the people that laugh at me when I fall down stairs…I fall all the time…ouch…it does hurt…It would probably help if I had better balance…
What do ya’ do when you don’t have good balance? At least I’m not like Eileen…You know…That girl with only one left arm and leg? She leans…She probably doesn’t have very good balance at all…
Balance…The scales of justice somehow hold things in place? Hmmm…Justice…Government…Push and pull…Teeter and totter…Good and evil…Love and hate…Crunchy and smoothe…hot and cold…wet and dry…You and me…So much that has to be just for balance to take place…If that’s even a logical statement….Can “balance” actually “take place”? I don’t know…
I just know that somehow, someway, I, like so many others have a decent enough balance to keep me grounded…Except for when I can’t be grounded…Everyone has ups and downs…(except for death metal fans…those miserable motherfuckers never seem to smile…just kidding…)…sure, I hate myself but you wouldn’t be able to tell considering I’m so egotistical…And besides…Maybe I should just take notes from everyone else…They ALL love me, right? Uhh…Yeah…Right…But the world keeps me in check every time I see the things that I have to see to keep my balance…Things that make me want to cry…things that everyone else takes for granted…Things I take for granted…Things like my ugly mug in the mirror that make me wish I was someone else…Even though grandma says I’m handsome…Grandma’s been doing better I guess lately…I’m glad…One of the things that keeps me balanced…Which is another reason I hate myself…
Have you ever been scared of getting too close to someone or something that you don’t want to get too close because you’re afraid you’ll one day lose it? I lost my puppy when I was younger…Sure, we had some fun together, but I was never one of those kids that spent every waking hour of the day with Cheese…(Cheese was my puppy’s name)…I spent enough time to keep me in balance…I guess…Yet I hate myself for it now…
My grandparents are awesome…My grandpa is one of the cutest, funniest, and cool old men that I’ve ever seen…One of the few people in this world that I hate myself for knowing…(that statement is totally a compliment)…I love my grandpa dearly…Of course I don’t get to see him as much as I should…Mostly because of my fear…Fear of getting too close…I don’t want to lose him…I know I will one day…If I get too close, I’ll miss him more…And just thinking about that makes me want to dry up…I already have…I don’t want to be barren…I don’t want to be a desert…I wouldn’t mind being a dessert…Cherry Cheesecake is yummy…
But it keeps me in balance…Not too deep…not deep enough…Another one of my tragic flaws…
Balance…Referring to shoes as “Tennies” is gay…
I don’t need a psychiatrist…Of course there
are a few different reasons…I’m not crazy…everyone
else is…But…For argument’s sake, say that
I did…(and ignore this when I finally check
myself into an institution…)
I could lie down on a couch and feel totally at home…Mostly because when I do sleep, its on a couch and not a bed…Call me kooky, call me wacky…But I hate beds…I think it has something to do with the whole “comfort” thing…
But…While I could lie on a couch and tell a complete stranger whatever was on my mind and pay this person, I know deep down it wouldn’t do any good…I know that I probably wouldn’t tell this person everything just because doctor/client confidentiality is probably a joke…But then again…”Why did the chicken cross the road” is supposed to be a joke too…
But I could also appreciate it because maybe my mind could tell me that this person was “actually” listening to me…Even though I would be paying him/her, they’d still be listening…And probably taking notes or recording the entire “session”…
But I don’t need any of that…I get enough static electricity shocks every goddamned day of my life to keep me in line…Whatever that means..
Never mind that entire beginning of a rant…
On to something else…
I want you…and you…and you…and you…and you…and you…An interesting point in my life…
are you one of the “lucky” ones? A kid at a candy store…
What do I really have to say that’s important? What do I really think could have any impact on anyone but myself? What causes me to continue? Why am I addicted to fettuccini alfredo? I suppose there could be worse addictions…I should do drugs…We’re probably one of the “lamest” bands around because we don’t do drugs…Maybe we drink a little too much from time to time…(does 5 or 6 times a week count?)…Just kidding…Maybe that’s why we’re still stranded in this land of mediocrity that those around us keep us in even though we’re the kings…And we are…There’s no denying it…Call it cocky or whatever, but I’m not too impressed with too many…
But maybe we should be all strung out and not give a fuck about anything at all…Then we could be a band that has “nothing to lose”…then we could be a band that could truly be looked up to because of our reckless lifestyles, addictions, and countless stories of orgies consisting of supermodels and goats…(it’s a long story…never mind)…
Here’s a little joke for you…Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the motherfucker felt like it…even though he staggered across the road to get to the nearest bar with numerous skirts to take home…Fuckin’ chicken…Fuckin’ Colonel…
There’s bubble wrap in my mind…I love popping it…Every bubble represents something important…Is there actually air in the bubbles or is it some other kind of gas? What if you were the guy that was in charge of making sure that all of the bubbles in bubble wrap were bubbles? Wouldn’t that be great?
Soup makes me happy…Not because I eat it…but because it makes other people happy…If they’re sick, they’re convinced that it makes them feel better…I don’t even eat soup…
I know what you’re thinking…Seriously…I know what most people are thinking before they even say something…Even if you deny it, I knew…Because whatever was on your mind at the time when I said that I knew what you were thinking was somehow replaced by your trouble making mind to make it look like I didn’t know what you were thinking…But you were thinking it…Like right now you’re thinking: “Am I weird because I bite my toenails?” …And why do people put quotation marks around “thoughts”? Aren’t quotation marks supposed to be there to represent things that are “said”? Hmmmm…Who makes the rules? Who breaks the rules?
I wish I could “White Out” things from years ago…What an incredible invention…One of the Monkee’s moms created that…I heard that…Not the Bear either…Why was he called a bear? And why was he called “BJ”? I honestly don’t remember the show, its just a joke…
Whoever invented popups should be taken out in the street and skinned alive…
Whoever invented spam email should be taken out in the street and made to watch the inventor of popups be skinned alive and then eat that person’s skin while rabid dogs are freed to tear that person limb from limb…
Just kidding…Its all a joke…
I’m mad…People still make me laugh…Thank you…
Thanks for listening…The bill is in the mail…
I could lie down on a couch and feel totally at home…Mostly because when I do sleep, its on a couch and not a bed…Call me kooky, call me wacky…But I hate beds…I think it has something to do with the whole “comfort” thing…
But…While I could lie on a couch and tell a complete stranger whatever was on my mind and pay this person, I know deep down it wouldn’t do any good…I know that I probably wouldn’t tell this person everything just because doctor/client confidentiality is probably a joke…But then again…”Why did the chicken cross the road” is supposed to be a joke too…
But I could also appreciate it because maybe my mind could tell me that this person was “actually” listening to me…Even though I would be paying him/her, they’d still be listening…And probably taking notes or recording the entire “session”…
But I don’t need any of that…I get enough static electricity shocks every goddamned day of my life to keep me in line…Whatever that means..
Never mind that entire beginning of a rant…
On to something else…
I want you…and you…and you…and you…and you…and you…An interesting point in my life…
are you one of the “lucky” ones? A kid at a candy store…
What do I really have to say that’s important? What do I really think could have any impact on anyone but myself? What causes me to continue? Why am I addicted to fettuccini alfredo? I suppose there could be worse addictions…I should do drugs…We’re probably one of the “lamest” bands around because we don’t do drugs…Maybe we drink a little too much from time to time…(does 5 or 6 times a week count?)…Just kidding…Maybe that’s why we’re still stranded in this land of mediocrity that those around us keep us in even though we’re the kings…And we are…There’s no denying it…Call it cocky or whatever, but I’m not too impressed with too many…
But maybe we should be all strung out and not give a fuck about anything at all…Then we could be a band that has “nothing to lose”…then we could be a band that could truly be looked up to because of our reckless lifestyles, addictions, and countless stories of orgies consisting of supermodels and goats…(it’s a long story…never mind)…
Here’s a little joke for you…Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the motherfucker felt like it…even though he staggered across the road to get to the nearest bar with numerous skirts to take home…Fuckin’ chicken…Fuckin’ Colonel…
There’s bubble wrap in my mind…I love popping it…Every bubble represents something important…Is there actually air in the bubbles or is it some other kind of gas? What if you were the guy that was in charge of making sure that all of the bubbles in bubble wrap were bubbles? Wouldn’t that be great?
Soup makes me happy…Not because I eat it…but because it makes other people happy…If they’re sick, they’re convinced that it makes them feel better…I don’t even eat soup…
I know what you’re thinking…Seriously…I know what most people are thinking before they even say something…Even if you deny it, I knew…Because whatever was on your mind at the time when I said that I knew what you were thinking was somehow replaced by your trouble making mind to make it look like I didn’t know what you were thinking…But you were thinking it…Like right now you’re thinking: “Am I weird because I bite my toenails?” …And why do people put quotation marks around “thoughts”? Aren’t quotation marks supposed to be there to represent things that are “said”? Hmmmm…Who makes the rules? Who breaks the rules?
I wish I could “White Out” things from years ago…What an incredible invention…One of the Monkee’s moms created that…I heard that…Not the Bear either…Why was he called a bear? And why was he called “BJ”? I honestly don’t remember the show, its just a joke…
Whoever invented popups should be taken out in the street and skinned alive…
Whoever invented spam email should be taken out in the street and made to watch the inventor of popups be skinned alive and then eat that person’s skin while rabid dogs are freed to tear that person limb from limb…
Just kidding…Its all a joke…
I’m mad…People still make me laugh…Thank you…
Thanks for listening…The bill is in the mail…
I have so many notes…So many clips and phrases…So many puzzles…Am I really mysterious? I don’t think I am…I think I’m just careful…On a few separate occasions, I’ve been called mysterious…Hmmm…A little mystery is always good right? I guess so…Kinda’ like the fact that I would much rather look at a hot girl in lingerie or a bikini than see her completely naked…Who am I kidding? Maybe a few years ago…Maybe still…Playboy bores me…I need hardcore…Why is that? Because there’s no turning back…When you grow up, its always so scary to sneak into dad’s collection of Playboys…Even though you’re probably too young to realize why you want to look at Playboys, there’s something there…(probably for most of you greedy women too)…But…Steps and stages…Its what life is, right?
Here are a few examples:
Age 6:
Sneak into dad’s collection of Playboys
Age 8: Uncontrollably hump a naked doll not even realizing until you’re 18 that girls have two holes…
Age 10: Start getting an idea of what’s up with the whole idea of sex from the girl that claims to have “done it” with some 8th grade guys…And then hear her brag about writing a love letter with a couple of her pubic hairs glued to the note…(Note to readers: The girl I’m talking about wasn’t that smart…She could’ve just taped it…Of course, I didn’t grow “fur” in places that it wasn’t at before until last year…)
Age 12: For some reason feel the need to rub your wiener…Ooops…Something came out…and you know what? It kinda’ felt good…
Age 14: Start really enjoying the new found sin and upgrading from Playboys to somehow getting your hands on Penthouse…If you’re in my age group, no penetration is allowed yet…About this time comes your affair with Baby oil…Soon you switch to lotion and maybe even have a best friend that’s a sock or a towel…
Age 16: Accidents happen and ruin things…At this point, you will have fell in love with music totally (not like when you were 8 years old and finally got your first tangible piece of music from Grandma…I love Chicago 17!) and let it consume you…Kinda’ like your new found admiration to Hustler…You probably get “fucked up” for the first time around this time if not before and dabble in a little tobacco or more…
Age 18: You have the dirty stuff down by now…When you first ruined things, you didn’t know what the fuck you were doing…Bitches need to guide young boys…Trial and error…Read a lot…Watch a lot of porn…Do it a lot…What the fuck am I talking about? I’m not sure…(really I am)…You will have progressed quite well in the area of dirty things and the music thing…Maybe even playing in your 3rd or 4th band by this time…You get the hang of songwriting in your own mind…At least things look, feel, and sound good to YOU…You’ve also found new ways to pleasure yourself that almost make you feel “dirty”…Like masturbating with mud…You’re also experimenting with different types of alcohol because you never really “liked” the taste of beer so you enjoy screwdrivers, fuzzy navels, long island iced teas and other “girlie” drinks…
Age 20: You will have had your heart broken a few times…Either you are at college and try to bang as many people as possible or you date a few people or you’re one of the lucky ones with your high school sweetheart (of course there are downsides and upsides to this
Upsides:
1.You know exactly where she’s been and who she’s been with…
2.You don’t have to worry about the “Dating Scene”
3. You were “meant” for each other…at least according to everyone in town…
4. You can get married right out of high school…
5. You can start a family and let the wheel continue turning…
Downsides:
1. You probably don’t really know where she’s been or who she’s been with cuz girls always seem to forget…
2. One of you will wonder what else is out there on the “Dating Scene” and possibly throw whatever you had away because curiosity fucked the cat…
3. There may not be such a thing as a soul mate…(Of course there may actually be…)
4. Marriage is the devil’s tool for killing fun, sex, drive to be selfish when it comes to accomplishing your dreams…(of course it could be good for some…)
5. You’ll probably end up divorced with 3 bastard children and a mate that talks shit, screws the entire town, and steals all of your money…Maybe because they waited until after the kids to wonder what else is on the dating scene…By that time, its too late…You can’t turn back…
Of course there are way more upsides and downsides…Those are just the first things that came to mind…
…And all this time you have upgraded your porn addiction to getting a subscription to whatever porn is cheap so that every porn mailing list knows your name, address, and preference (I always liked midget porn…it makes me smile…)…You’ve also acquired a taste of beer by now because you’re broke and parties really don’t have martini’s on hand…Beast, Natty, and Busch Light are the flavors of choice…You wake up in your own vomit, piss, and sperm (at least you hope those are all yours) countless nights…
Back to the endless parade of words…
Age 22: You probably have either finished up college by this time or have been working a steady job all the while most likely to “settle down” with someone…your “music career” has either fizzled out or you’ve kept going because you know that you’ve found someone or some people good to keep the dream alive…So you keep going…There’s no turning back…or…You’ve fucked up what you had because you wondered what else was out there…Or…You forget some secret rendezvous that seemed to have slipped your mind all the while adding to the destruction of your brain cells by increasing your alcohol intake 2x…Most likely upgrading to Bud Light…That gourmet shit gets ya’ every time…All the while, your porn consumption has also been kicked up a notch by going to Velvet or Swank…Mmm….Swank…
Age 24: Hmmm…You drink…Porn…You don’t drink porn…You just drink and enjoy porn or convince yourself that you enjoy porn because you have no soul…You either have settled down with someone, got a real job, or kept going…But drink more…Sleep less…Your sex drive somehow keeps going up and up even though a male’s peak is supposedly age 18…I don’t believe it…As a camp counselor, that seems like a bunch of bunk…Just kidding…You upgrade to Club…You upgrade to whiskey…Preferably something cheap like Kessler’s or Old Dan Tucker…Although mixed properly, the fancy shit like Jack and Beam are fine too…
Age 26: Porn…Drink…Sex…No sleep…No turning back…No turning back…No soul…Fun…Drink…Porn…No turning back…
And in the midst of all of this, I look back and don’t really regret a thing…There’s always someplace to go…Either it’ll be up or down…Forward or backward…When your time comes to move from Playboy to Club, will you know? Or did you already realize it? When your time comes to move from Screwdrivers to whiskey, will your liver hurt?
Yes, its true…This is me…And I guess I’m fine by that…Even though I’m really 38 years old…(I think I hide it well…its true…If you cut me open, you would see a few things…Rotten, dying organs, a heart that has long since dried up, and rings that tell you how old I am…In this lifetime? Hmmm…Maybe this one and others…Maybe each limb could represent a different previous life…Jim…Nappy…Dolph…Sussy…Chris…
But I ache…Inside and out…is there way to stop it? Yes…One way…An abrasive embrace…
Then there may be no turning back…ever…Who knows…
I love my soreness…Anyone out there give good massages? I haven’t accepted a massage for a very long time…I’m afraid that if I feel relaxed totally in any way, things won’t be the same…The train will be derailed…the horse will throw the jockey…The sailors will jump ship…The dog will fuck the cat…
And I don’t ever want to look back at silly things even though I caught myself thinking about it today: I wonder how many guitars, fun toys to further my writing, and other things that are necessary I could’ve bought if I hadn’t purchased things that kill me inside and out such as smokes, alcohol, porn, etc…And Michael Macdonald cds…I want to be a lounge singer…
I want what I want…Right now though…I want more time…In case I can’t turn back…I kinda’ have 1 more limb albeit short…next one, I’ll die as a baby…baby dick…
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So I heard that today was some sort of anniversary…An anniversary of an uninteresting event? Perhaps…To some…Never really was that big of a fan…Especially since people are idiots…They see some scrawny, scraggly, screamin’ guy and make a quick judge parallel…Boy am I up late…
I guess I respected it…I guess I respected some of the attitude to not give a fuck…Kinda’ ballsy…Seeing videos of breakin’ shit…I can’t afford that shit…Seeing videos of trashing t.v. shows and not giving a fuck…I can’t afford that risk…right? Who knows…Who really knows what it takes…Right place at the right time with the right ears to give the right demo to the right people…As long as the right demo doesn’t get into the right hands at the right time and somehow land in the hands of the religious right…They’d have a field day with the name alone…They wouldn’t even do any research…Fuck them anyway…People are idiots…
I’m kinda’ glad that today is an anniversary…For a few different reasons…:
Whether or not it was meant to happen…
Whether or not it was all built on hype and the bandwagon got overcrowded…
Whether or not he really changed things…
That doesn’t really concern me…
He was smart…And I’m sure the “right” people had a fit when he did what he did to make this the anniversary …Good…Of course, things will be missed and things may be blown out of proportion of the importance of a certain being…
But…He should probably still be here…Evil may have had a part in this anniversary…I truly believe that…Evil…Get out of the way…Make your list of what you have to do and don’t sweat those you may have to step on the way up…Even though the top will be short lived because of evil anyway…
Smart…Couldn’t handle it…Hmmm…not sure of that one…Evidence…The dogs have been sniffing but not enough…The trail has been covered up by the scent of money…You know that brand new money scent that is indescribable…Kinda’ like “new car scent”…Things that you remember exactly where you were when you were there…I remember…
I was actually practicing playing at the time the news came on…
Everyone is looked at differently posthumously…When you’re dead, people can make you out to be more than you are…Or less than you are…Whatever way the critics decide to paint your picture is the way (most likely) the sheep will use their wool to help spread the color…A beautiful picture any way you look at it…Art…Art is freedom…Freedom is art…Does art imitate life? Or does life imitate art? Opinion…How do I become a critic so I can create my own story? How do I have so much knowledge of any certain subject that I can be one of those that laid the foundation for ignorance? Oh…I know how…I have to fail at whatever it is that I now critique…That’s the way it seems to be…No wonder he had such an impact on music…the “Critics” could actually play the stripped down songs because they sucked when they tried it…he just got lucky maybe…or the critics helped breed the hype…Music can take a step back and go back to its roots…Whatever the fuck that means…Art…If you burn it, add some ingredients it can maybe turn into tar…I don’t know…I’m not a chemist…But if I was a chemical critic, I would say that a wheelbarrow full of tar could be art…Or a wheelbarrow full of art could be tar…
Happy anniversary…To those that “loved”: that’s cool…I can appreciate that…To those that jumped on…I can see why…To those that made it out to be more than it was…that’s fine…I’m easy like Sunday morning…
What am I getting at?
I’m tired…But he was smart…
And yet, fully blinded…
Rest in peace…
If you could pick what your headstone would read, what would it be?
Not sure why I thought about this…Maybe because of David St. Hubbins’ comment…”Here lies David St. Hubbins…and why not?”…
Maybe because humans are civilized and bury their dead…”They” aren’t like some animals and eat the friends that die…They aren’t even like cats that give birth to dead kitties and eat them…Could you imagine eating afterbirth? (Actually, placenta is very tasty according to someone that used to make us laugh because of the severity of the insanity)…Heard it tastes like chicken…But then again, everything does right? The matrix brought up a very good point: We’re all in the matrix right now…The machines didn’t know what some things tasted like so that’s why so many things tastes like chicken…
Maybe my headstone could simply say: “Chris Donley: Tasted like chicken”…
Or maybe not…I’d probably be so egomaniacal about death that I’d already have everything in order when it came to “my time”…I know that its depressing and dark to talk about death but I don’t really understand why…Everyone is gonna’ die right? And only the good die young…I don’t really agree with that statement but how could a Canadian be wrong?
Every day that I drive or go somewhere, for some reason in the “side” of my mind, I totally picture something going wrong…Am I morbid? Am I cursed? Am I realistic because something could in fact happen? You tell me…You have all of the answers…For yourself…I have all the answers…for myself…
Are you healthy inside and out? Am I? Can you heal yourself? Can I?
Maybe my headstone could say: “Chris Donley: Didn’t taste like chicken”…But only to cannibals…I just hope that in my case they would be fine and young…That would even drive me crazy…
I love “deep” discussions about what some might say are stupid…I would love for someone to totally sit down (standing up takes too much effort) and ask me what I thought about philosophy of the mating techniques of hippos…I would love to hear that, do a double take, and laugh…And maybe conjure up some “new” philosophy of such a “stupid” subject that the ping-pong conversation could begin…It might not be as quick or fast paced as a mating ritual of hippo conversation by Hung Lo and Shuan Goo…(Those Asians are amazing at ping pong!)
I would really like to know what your headstone would say…If you died tomorrow, if you could look back and say that you “tried”, would you be satisfied with your life? I wouldn’t…
Maybe my headstone could say: “Chris Donley: Wanted to be buried naked but it would’ve turned the worms on too much”…(Not really…I’d be a great feast to them though)…
isn’t burying bodies silly when you think about it? Steve has a great idea when it comes to disposing of bodies: (Hopefully he doesn’t get mad that I let the death out of the bag)…Since we’re supposedly losing land due to global warming and destruction of the earth, why don’t we cremate everyone and then dump the ashes in the ocean to create more land? Do you think that would work? What is coral all about?
Look how much land is wasted on cemeteries…That land could be used for so much more…Highways, Starbucks, and more fuckin’ Dollar Stores…
I’m not saying that I’m a tree hugger or anything…I’m kind of in the middle…Probably because I don’t take the pot…(All of those pot takers love the environment! Just kidding…)
I’m not a big fan of wasting water or things like that…But I know I’m a hypocrite because I may smoke an “occasional” cigarette (only when I drink or after sex…About 2 packs a day)…and that can’t be good for the future…But what is good for the future?
Our “leaders” sure seem to know, don’t they?
Maybe my headstone could read: “Chris Donley had the best smile, personality, was the best dancer, and a revolutionary”…(I love memories…when I can remember them…)
I love my periods…All periods…The periods (elipses)after my imcomplete sentences…I love them because it makes it look like there is more to say after that particular phrase or poppycock…There’s always more…
I love my periods of happiness because it reminds me of being miserable…
I love my periods of sadness because it reminds me of being happy…
I love girls’ periods because it means that I didn’t get them pregnant…
But there has to be “periods”…plural…Not just one…Just one means a stop in whatever it is…
One period means the end of a sentence…
One period of happiness means that I’ve only had one period of happiness so I will definitely miss it…
One period of sadness means the same and that would be impossible to have just one period of sadness because frankly, look at me…Sad…Sad…
What if my headstone read: “Chris Donley changed people’s lives forever…Thank God he’s gone”…(Just kidding…)
Its not like I really have a deathwish…I think that was just Charles Bronson…And he finally got it…
Would you be satisfied if you could look down from above after you died and saw what the people around you put on your headstone or would you wish that you would’ve taken care of it before you went? If you want something done right, do it your goddamned self, right?
I’ll make a will…
(of course this doesn’t hold up in court or if one of you murders me like dear Selena)…
Everyone can put whatever they want on my headstone…But it should be an Etch a Sketch headstone so that it can be shaken up after every week…That way it changes…(not that I like change during life, but it would be funny to see someone spend a long time on a really cool sketch only to have it shaken away after a week…)
That way it never stops…But it will stop…After a while and many years, everyone will be forgotten…Its not our fault…Just everyone that knew us or knew of us dies too…We’re all forgotten…I don’t want to be forgotten…I want someone to write on my etch a sketch headstone for eternity…Pass it down…Generation to generation…So when you and your children, and your children’s children have all been burned to a crisp and made into a new land bridge to Hawaii (I heard its beautiful this time of year…or all year round…), hopefully they knew of me…Hopefully they knew of other people…People that didn’t want to stop but knew they’d have to whatever the case may be…In my case, it could mean many things…
It could mean that I had to stop caring…It could mean that I had to stop loving…I could mean that I had to stop telling my heart to beat…That’s all I have to tell it anyway…
I don’t want to stop…
I don’t want to stop….
I don’t want to stop…..
I don’t want to stop……
I don’t want to stop.........................................................
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ever…
I want grandma to get better…
Its fucking freezing…The weather sucks…The worst part is that I’m freezing in my apartment…I have a shitty little heater that only works half of the time…Have to cover up with 3 blankets just to keep warm…Of course each blanket has its own individual charm and warmth…One is green and plaid (if that’s possible) and is usually nuzzled right up next to my ballsack…Another one is a trippy looking “weed smoker’s” blanket that would be perfect on the wall of any pot head hippie type…Instead, it covers the blanket that covers my ballsack…Then there’s trusty old “Big Sexy Green” that makes me the erotic pig in a blanket that I am…Big Sexy Green is kinda’ like the bun to the sandwich with the meat inside that everyone wants to take a bite of…Not really…
I’m fucking freezing…Its cold in there…The rant is a little late because I had to hang out and get drunk for free last night with some of my peeps…Sorry…get over it…It was a good time…Came home to my cold ass apartment…The funny thing is that its usually quite comfortable in here…But right now, I’m in my pjs (the ones with the flap in the back so I can doo-doo without having to take them off), a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up, my loveable, comfortable slippers, and nothing but the warmth of my dead heart to guide me through another week of consonants and vowels…With a cigarette burning next to me, I wonder how warm Mr. Tobacco really is…It dies out after a while…But I bet he was warm when he was here…
Of course, it could always be worse…I could be someone else…Of course it could always be better…I could be me…
Listening to some of the rough mixes of the always postponed “Crying on the Inside Clown” that I’ve been working on for almost 5 years…Not enough hours in the day…Not enough minutes in an hour…Not enough seconds in a minute…Not enough…Never enough….Nothing is ever enough…Even with Plaidy, Weedy Blank’, and Big Sexy Green, I’ll still be cold tonight as I wind my mind down and allow Michael Stipe to try and enter my life…Of course that will never happen because real rest in unattainable…I’m not a big Michael Stipe fan anyway…
Trying to get the bus trip together…For many different reasons…Need all of you…All of you to cover me up…You’re all my blankets…You keep me warm…Some warmer than others…Some may not have the charm or charisma as say a “Big Sexy Green” or a Plaidy, but the warmth can still be there if it wants to help…
In many different ways…Fun…Winter fun used to be fun…I absolutely despise winter…There is nothing that I can actually say I enjoy about winter…Its kind of like other things in my life…Cold…Dreary…Makes my appendages numb…Wet…I don’t like it…
Give me something better…Give me something warmer…Give me something that can be there to keep me warm but doesn’t always have to be there…Life…Cold…
I’m kind of like a snowman…
I started out as one tiny snowflake that somehow turned into a snowball that was rolled on the ground to collect others like me to make a big ball…Others have been balled up and made into what I am today…Even though I wish my carrot was bigger and I had something in my pipe, the sad fact is that it will all go away…I will melt one of these days…Its cold now…It will be warm someday…Maybe not…If it ever does get warmer, I will melt and the cold will go away…
As I’m typing, wouldn’t it be neat if somehow the words that I type could show the breath that I would’ve released had I spoke them? Instead, I let the fingers do the walking with no reaction from the climate…As usual…That’s why I’m covered up…Just trying to stay warm even though it’ll never happen…
Brrr…
Man…War…
Did you ever notice that we’ve had a war on drugs, a war on terror, but no war on war?
We need another cold war…I’m not talking about Robitussin vs. Vick’s…We need to realize what the fuck is up…
Last week’s rant is very important in my eyes…
It seems like you humans are always at war…Fight…You gotta’ fight…Someone always has to outlast, outfight, and outdo someone else…
War…What’s yours is yours…what’s mine is yours…
We’re always at “war” with something or someone…But war…what is it good for? Absolutely nothing…
Which is funny because I’m always at war with myself…Every day I wake up to a beautiful new day, I find something else about myself that I don’t really like…
Take last night for instance…Went out with a couple of friends to a meat market (bar with Polo shirted guys, and girls with tight “fupa” esque belly shirts) just to hang out and because I’m a raging alcoholic…the $1 drafts seemed way too appealing to say no to…(Even though it would’ve been much cheaper and easy to stay at home and drink by myself…)
But I figured, what the fuck…I’ll get out and socialize and hang out with some friends I haven’t seen for awhile…It was Sunday ya’ know…Sunday always seems to be a good drinking day…
I’ve got a big mouth…I should just crawl back in my hole and shut the fuck up…Not really, but sometimes I say too much…You’ll have that…Especially when I was talking to the Budweiser stand up girl for 10 minutes before I realized that she was just a cut out…Oh well…I got her number…
But I’m at war with many things…Time…I never seem to have enough time to do what I need to do…I’m so behind on my beat off schedule that I’ve had to resort to chunking myself during lunch…Not a good idea when you order a salad…Even though I was kidding about that…I rarely eat salad…
I’m at war with love…Mostly because love is just a secret branch of the mental military that does covert operations without me knowing…Always secret…Always hidden…Unless the mental military actually made it classified and nowhere to be found…Kind of like the lost ark in Raiders of the lost ark…Or…Maybe there’s no such thing…
I’m at war with the world…I’m at war with human”kind”…I don’t know why, but people just make me sick every day…
I’m at war with the fact that my attitude changes all the time…One minute I could be very upbeat and optimistic and the next, I don’t think there is anything good to look forward to…I have a very large bottle of pills…
I’m always fighting with things although not physically…
I’m not sure if I could ever recall a real physical fight…I don’t really see the need for it…besides, I’m a terrible lover, not a fighter…
If we had another “cold war”, at least we would appreciate what we had…I think I do…Not quite sure about anything anymore though…Brain is still slowly turning to mush…Waahrihwjnhwg;oi…
Oops…
But war is also raw if you like watching men in Speedos…I personally grew out of that phase when I was about 10…(About the time that the Rock ‘n Roll Express broke up…)
But I’m sure everyone has a battle in their own heads all of the time…But I wonder how many people actually take the time to try and win the fight instead of just retreating and regrouping…
I’m not quite sure if I realistically stand up and fight or if I cower in my foxhole to avoid the subconscious bullets…I can sure hear them whizzing by overhead…
But war sucks…
I’m still taking orders from something else…And I hate that…I hate to say the word hate but shit happens…Forrest said that…Forrest also loved a whore…I wish I was like Forrest…A true person…Not because he was slow but because he tried to see the good in everyone…He gave everyone a chance…I’m not like Forrest (maybe the slow part)…I can’t afford to do that…But then, I’m at war with myself because look at all of the wonderful things that Forrest did and experienced and created throughout history…One of the only movies that make me want to cry…But alas…War there too…
I swear a lot…
I sin a lot…
I know I could be a better person…
I’m at war…
I’m not at war with drugs…
I’m not at war with terror…
I’m at war with war…
Tell my family I love them…
FCC…Fuckin’ Controllin’ Cocksuckers…Or something like that…Freedom of speech…Fuck Janet Jackson even though I don’t think it was a big deal…Fuck everyone that took offense at it…I didn’t even watch the Stupid Bowl but its all I’ve been hearing about…The same parents that are raising a stink about all of this are the same parents that don’t realize the true harm they’re most likely doing…But its ok…little peons like myself can’t have as loud of a voice when it comes to “my opinion” because I’m just a little peon and I don’t have politicians in my pocket to “save the world”…
In college, I did learn a few things…One of which was from one of the few teachers I liked…Brett…he was cool…he supported me and the band…probably because he was still young and hadn’t hit that age yet when your heart dies and the thought of fun is agreeing with the wife you settled for that “yes, a new living room set would be nice”…
But Brett taught us one thing in class that every open minded individual in the world should pay attention to because it is so true…Sure, some things may come as a surprise but I bet it would be an even bigger surprise to the same parents that are lobbying for a stranglehold of censorship to see, hear, and watch what their very little angels they’re trying to protect are doing, saying, and getting into right under their very noses…Of course, I’m sure those same parents were perfect angels when they were growing up…
This whole censorship thing is really pissing me off…Of course I’m not gonna’ be censored (never again on our own website…Fuck that shit…If you don’t like it, scroll down to what Brett had to say in college because it holds true…Fuck…)
What’s funny to me is that we’ve already been through this whole escapade (not to quote Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) with an honest little group of people that I’m sure lost a breath in the gasp when the nipple came out…
Even though I don’t know exact statistics about other countries, continents, or planets, I believe everything I read (which is why I read everything that I write…That, and to piss everyone off…)…Not really but a few things spring to mind…
have you ever heard that countries with looser restrictions on sex, language, and violence have lower rape, swear, and murder rates than our beloved United States of Censorship? I’ve heard it…Whether or not it is true, I just wrote it so it must be…
Here’s my opinion of why that is if in fact it is true:
If you hang out with your cool cousin Timmy all of the time and see him all the time and get in all the hijinx that cousin Timmy gets into, how long before the hijinx seems like routine and isn’t a big deal? After a while…I’m sure of it…it’s the exact same thing with many aspects of my life…Friends, girls, songs that we play…You get bored…Just like if you say the word “Love” too much, it loses its meaning…Like Fuck…FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK…FUCK …The people that see it all the time, hear the “dirty words” all of the time, and watch the blood all of the time don’t think it’s a big deal so they’re bored with it…
But back to the parents…”Hey Stan…Its your lovely fat wife in “Mom jeans”…Do you think if we tried to keep our children away from the things that we find offensive they’ll stay away from those things instead of learning on their own? Or do you think by making the things they want to attain unattainable they’ll want those things even more?…Oh, by the way…Don’t ever tell the kids about that weekend when we were in High School and you did me anal and I took it out and gave you oral in front of all of your friends”…
No one is perfect…
Back to what Brett taught later…
Circles…Funny to think we dealt with this a while ago…And I wonder what the big deal really is…It was a tittie …Even when you’re little, you know what titties are…Either you’re suckin’ on them for the nourishment that God gave or you notice them in dad’s mags…Or you’re surrounded by it anyway in everyday culture…If they really want to come down on things, why don’t the FCC come down on Britney and Uglyuira for dressing like total sluts and weaning an entire generation of slutty dressed girls to come…Its not like it matters anyway…
It was just a tittie…
So what exactly am I ranting about? Everything…I’m not as big on conspiracies like other people I know but this whole tittie thing and the FCC coming down on Howard for telling it like it is insane…Because Brett was right…
Even though the tittie may have been a surprise, it was just a tittie…
A publicity stunt that obviously worked…And one bad tittie ruined it for everyone…But it did work…You’re talking about it…I’m talking about it…Everyone is talking about it…It worked…She was just trying to get somewhere else (even if it was a last ditch effort to resurrect her career)…Just like every single conniving organism that can somehow be classified as human…Just like Martha stabbing Esther in the back so she could become choir director…Just like anyone kissing up to a boss to get a leg up…you have to do what ya’ gotta’ do to get to where you gotta’ go…
It makes me smile…But it also makes me very angry…
Boy…What a great weekend…
And I probably said some offensive things on the mic…But Brett was right…If no one wanted to hear us or me, they could leave the room or leave the club…If you don’t want to hear something “offensive” to you on the radio, turn the station to The Fish…If you don’t want to watch something “obscene” on tv, switch the channel to something more suitable for the kids…Perhaps you could turn it to the wonderful cable stations that you get instead…Fuck cable…(except my cable guys were cool when they hooked my internet up…and Jim Carrey is the shit too…)…Then, they could blame all of their fuckups on cable tv…
Everything is a joke to me…
Brett was right…
Ice-T was right when he wanted to sing a song about killing cops…I don’t want to kill cops…I have nothing but respect for cops…but its just a song…For the amount of people in the world, there’s bound to be an idiot here or there that takes something to heart and does something in a damaging, tangible form to destroy the character of the artist, performer, or anyone that has the nerve to do anything in front of a group of people…The only problem is that those are the stories that the media latches onto…I hate the news…I find it offensive…I think its obscene…There aren’t enough “good” news stories in my opinion…I want the news to change just for me…I’m mad as hell…(not really…)
Oh…I forgot…I can change the channel…
From now on, every song I write is gonna’ be about suicide, drugs, rape, and sheep molestation…Or I’ll just say that to get some titties in an uproar…
Fuck the parents…Fuck censorship in any form…Fuck people who take things too seriously…Fuck everyone that doesn’t like the word fuck…Those same people have the same “issues” that the heathens of the world like myself do and I’ll bet even worse…Get off your fuckin’ soapbox and worry about the things that really matter…Not a tittie…Not a dirty word…
Like I said before…Parents, check your notebooks, look at what they’re wearing, doing, saying and then examine why exactly they are doing all of those things (even though I’m totally against that invasion of privacy as well…What’s mine is yours…What’s yours is yours…I’ve been through it…I’m just trying to prove a point)…I’m sure you’ll blame it on pop culture, music, movies, and tv…That’s why I pray that I’m sterile…I honestly don’t have the heart (mostly because its dead) to even want a child…I don’t want to say what everyone else in the world says when they want to or are going to have a child: I’m gonna’ be the best dad or mom ever…Well, how are you gonna’ do that? Are you going to teach what you think is right and let your children learn on their own? Or are you going to censor everything, keep things away from them, and have them hate you for it all the while getting it in the end anyway?
That’s why I hate everyone and everything…If the parents can blame, then I can blame everything on those parents that give good parents a bad name…Another reason I never want to be a parent (knock on wood…and then lick my wood instead)…Ever…Luckily, there are plenty of stairs in the world…
Brett was right…Turn it off if you don’t like it…It was just a tittie…All girls except for Nancy Reagan have them…Freedom of speech…I’m doing it…And situations like the recent events make me want to push the envelope as far as it can go (even though I prefer a cliché’ such as “Push the fuckwads that have a problem with what I say or do as far as I can” instead of “Push the envelope’…I want to piss off everyone…I want everyone to listen to me…And I want to be censored…
Fuck…its not just for breakfast anymore…
Even though I won’t do it because I don’t have the time, I urge everyone that agrees with me to write your congressman (or dare I say it…woman) and just write…Fuck censorship…
I don’t agree with it…I’m gonna’ start a revolution…Just like our forefathers did when they didn’t want to pay taxes and wanted to speak out against the reds…
Oh…by the way…if you don’t like what I say,..don’t read it…
Have a nice day and an even brighter tomorrow with the cloud of censorship moving in overhead…
it was just a tittie…
Finally…Finally…I’ve been aching for this weekend for a very long time…Yes, that’s right…I’ll finally meet my mail-order bride, Shuon Goo…Only $1000…I highly suggest if you’re looking for a little fun, or “Clazy Nights”, you order one…Or listen to Roudness…Its amazing…But seriously, I’m looking forward to this weekend for many different reasons…
1. To get out of town…
2. To tag as many bitches as possible…
3. To get really drunk and get thrown out of BG and Toledo…
4. To get really drunk and tag as many bitches as possible…
5. To get our new bass player Zac really drunk…and…well, that’s all…(you’ll like him, I promise…he swallows it all!…Just kidding…)
6. To line my pockets further since
I’m such a huge, rich, rockstar…
7. to lose a few pounds (for some reason, my dumbass signed up for Curves in Toledo…probably so I wouldn’t have to work out that much…)
8. To fall down…
9. I’ve never been naked in a bathtub before…
10…oh…I almost forgot…WE’RE FINALLY PLAYING AGAIN!
Its been a long time coming (kinda’ like the first time I’m gonna’ finally do “it”…I can’t wait for that either…)
I’d like to thank Inner Recipe for being one of the first bands to invite us to play with them…Thank you…
I’d also like to apologize to anyone that we piss off before the fact…And everyone that we’ll blow away this entire weekend…
And thanks to Kenny from the Longhorn for many different reasons (his sister’s back rubs are to die for!)
Its about fuckin’ time…
For all of you that haven’t seen me since the wreck, I hate to tell you this but due to the severity of my alcoholism, boredom, and lack of things to do on the weekends, I’ve gained 40 pounds, carpal tunnel from beating off (even though that was on its way before the wreck), and my body actually grew another liver…The only side effect of the extra liver is that its really my colon that has adapted into my new liver…So now, I have no colon and I crap out of my nose instead…Not a pleasant thing to have especially if you have a cold…(even though most would think it would come from somewhere else considering that most of what I say is shit)…think about it…
So it’ll get hectic again…I guess…Maybe I should rephrase that…It’ll be getting back to normal again…I’m glad…On my way again…
So let’s get off onto another subject…
How about this…
Where do I begin?
Right here, right now…Fuck Van Hagar…I think I’m one of the only guys in the world that never got into Van Hagar or Eddie’s style…Nothin’ against Eddie…I love Ten…I’ve always been a popular outcast…I’ve always seemed to enjoy being loved and hated all at the same time…Even though when I sometimes try and piss people off, it doesn’t work…
The people I don’t want to piss off, I usually do accidentally…
The people that I want to be cool with, usually don’t want to be cool with me…
And the opposite…of straight is A-hole…
I’ve always just wanted to be a mole…But not really…More like the mayor of mole town…That way I could be loved and hated but have enough power to be above the law so no one could touch me…
I hate moles…Only because I’m a carnivore…A badger to be exact…(I guess…Not quite sure how I got the new nickname considering I’ve had enough nicknames to give to every last surviving member of 3 Doors Down…Or…If they are all still alive, I could give them a nickname after they accidentally ate bullets…motherfuckers…they all fucked my sister…)
I just want to be listened to…
Actually, I hate everyone…
I keep learning every day and I wish I didn’t…Do you actually learn anything about yourself?
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last year (and don’t be retarded and say something about me living in Gaywood…But I’d laugh along with you…As you watch me give your mother anal…And then have your sister lick it…Mmmm…Chocolate cone…)
But I hate what I have learned…Its all bad…Its all what I’ve always known…
I really don’t think I have any “feelings” anymore…I just go through life the way I go through life…Don’t tell me otherwise and don’t wish the best for me…the best for me isn’t there…
Wool over rant…you know I’ll never trust again…
the itch…sex is just sex…
Kill your friends…in your mind…
smile…everyone of ‘em hits the age sometime…
All screws that hold my structure together…There’s no way around it…You can’t torch it…you can’t take a wrecking ball to it because I know how strong the foundation is…
And deep down, I wish I lived in a tent so it could blow away…
But in the meantime, I’ll eat, drink, smoke, bang, play, drink, be merry, not feel, and enjoy my new mail-order bride…And by the way, the “sideways” thing is true!
I can’t seem to get over this cold…Cough…Cough…I feel fine (even though I really don’t, I just want to comfort everyone by letting them know that “I feel fine”…)…And then I feel like shit…Its going on about a year now…Every couple of weeks, I seem to come down with something…Maybe I have the HIV…Hope not…Not sure how that could happen anyway (unless you count sharing needles, the reckless blood transfusion parties I held, and the countless prostitutes I’ve read poems to…)…But ya’ never know…
Goocher…It’s a goocher…Whenever I need to do things, something happens whether it be me having to do studio vocals and coming down with a cold or planning a long drive for the weekend and it has to blanket the landscape with the white cold powder of death (I’m not talking about “Sindust” either)…
Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…Fuckin’ cliché’s…At least I have an endless supply to use from Tommy…
I remember when we first started the band and Tommy would do the booking…I would get myself so worked up a week before the show that I’d get sicker than shit…Cough, cough…I’d drink an entire bottle of Dayquil on stage at the show and wouldn’t be able to sleep at all that night…It got to the point where I’d tell him to let me know when the show was 2 days before the show…Luckily, I didn’t have a very busy social life so the weekends would be free…Whores…Just kidding…Not really…And unfortunately, the horse doesn’t drive itself so I had to get over all of that…Just make sure you have your scoop shovel…
Cough, cough…
Are you motherfuckers excited? I am…I can’t wait to get back out again and play…I can’t wait for shit to pile up again…Seriously…I actually found myself missing talking to people on the phone when it came to the band…I actually found myself missing finding time throughout the day to make a simple phone call or email to a club, owner, or hooker from another town…(All of that is true except for the hooker from another town…I only email hookers from town…)…
I hate tv…I hate playstation…I hate people not listening to me…When it comes down to it, I wonder if the choir that I’ve been preaching to even want to be saved…Sure, I’m afraid of what’s to come…But I’m willing to try…And I’m willing to ruin everything I have or may have because of this sickness…This illness…this addiction…
Cough, Cough…
Can I infect you? Would you let me? In more ways than one…Most of you have taken your medicine so you’re safe from my sniffle that still hasn’t occurred…Keep pressure on the wound…Keep taking your vitamins…Keep covering your mouth…
Still sick and tired of being sick and tired…
Be my medicine…
Sniffing rubber cement…takes me away…
Drinking Busch Light…takes me away…
Doing heroin…takes me away…
A couple of lines…takes me away…
midget porn…takes me away…
smoking cigarettes…takes me away…
staying up really late and not getting any rest…takes me away…
Destroying me body slowly…takes me away…
Just getting older…takes me away…
It takes me away from a new theory that I've come up with accidentally…(So I figured I should write it out before I lock it away forever…)
I've actually had it for quite awhile and I'm not sure if I actually wrote about in a previous rant but oh well, it will only prove my new theory (because my mind is like a jell-o mold…not my ass, my mind)…And I forgot…
I'm not sure how or why I think the way I do but perhaps this can be a portal to open up just a portion of the shit you're about to read…
Knowledge…
We'll let "K" represent knowledge…
The theory is actually pretty simple…
When a baby is born, it has K x Infinity…
As of right now, I have K x 74…
Huh? What the fuck am I talking about? (I truly hope that I haven't already told this theory…I'll feel like a total ass…Even more so than usual…But that's only the fault of knowledge…or lack thereof…)
Why does the baby have K x Infinity?
Why do I have K x 74?
Here it is…
I think that when a baby is born, he/she/it knows everything…Absolutely everything…
Who or what god is…The cure for cancer…The square root of why the person that came up with square roots came up with the thought of square roots…They know every color, touch, smell, and answer in the entire world…They know somehow why the government of some country created AIDs to help control the population…They know how, why, when, and where they were conceived (and who's fault it was: Jim, Jack, or my favorite…Mr. Kessler)…
And why is that? Because it was there…Knowledge…It was there already…By something…By some higher being…By something that wanted us deep down to know more than we do (or allow ourselves to know because we destroy ourselves…its just what we humans do)…Learning…Phooey…
Do you believe in having a soul? I'm not all hip to that jive simply because I hate songs that talk about "losing your soul" or "I love you with all my heart and soul"…I just hate that…Its too cliché' for me…But then again, so is spewing forth whatever it is I have in my head at any given time because if you say or do things enough, it all seems very cliché'…Like saying the word "Love" or "Fuck"…they lose their meanings…
The only unfortunate part about the theory is the truth that I believe is there…
If babies know it all, why is our intellect as we grow what it is?
Because we lose some…
If a baby has all of the knowledge that the universe has to offer, what is the tragic truth? And the tragic irony? And the tragic misunderstanding?
They can't tell us…
They can't explain everything…(Stop thinking what you're thinking, I'll get to it in a little bit)
As a baby grows, it slowly loses knowledge (some more than others…)
Why do you think that some "gifted" kids are on a different "learning" level than other kids?
Maybe a few different factors:
Environment…Maybe the environment the child in question is raised in is even more destructive than Chuckie Manson…Many different aspects…Such as vices of the adults that are "teaching" the children that help destroy the knowledge that was already there…Maybe even "little" things like neglect, abuse, and second-hand smoke can contribute to the loss of knowledge…
(Think about it…Most of the "nerdy" kids that you went to school with were probably from a decent upbringing with little or no history in their families of drug abuse, alcoholism, smoking, abuse, midget porn addiction, etc…There are always exceptions to the rule: The "hood" kid that really pushed the envelope of knowledge to get out of the trap that the previous "knowledge destroyers" created and raised him/her in…
Maybe some are just more stubborn when it comes to "pissing" the knowledge away…
They keep it a little longer…Or stronger…
We kill ourselves in so many ways…
Ok…
Back to what you were thinking if you took the time before…
If a baby knows it all, then why can't it theoretically speak and explain all of the knowledge that it does in fact have since it supposedly knows "everything"? In theory, it knows everything so it would know all language, different dialects, different cultures, and every real way to communicate…
that's the catch…
There's always a catch…
A-hole, for example loves to catch fish…
I like to catch colds…
Tom likes to catch letters in his mind to form new words that Webster never heard of…
But there's always a catch…
Say that I found the "perfect" girl…
She's smart, funny, happy, not greedy, hot, talented, and a slut to only me…
So what's the catch?…Well…Who knows, but there's always a catch…Especially in this instance…
(Now laugh and ask yourself what my "catch" would be and realize there are either none or too many to even comprehend…)
The catch is God's cruel joke…
How do you explain déjà vu?
How do you explain dreams that are so real that when you wake up you "did" feel that you were there and did whatever it was in your dream?
How do you explain "gut feelings" or instincts?
How do you explain when you "just know"?
How do you explain all of these things?
Maybe subconsciously, you stumbled across so many things in your life that you just locked them away in your brain and that is where déjà vu, dreams, gut feelings, instincts, and all of that come into play…
Maybe…
Or maybe you used to "know" everything…
That's the catch…
Some people just lose more faster and with less opposition from our own minds…
And we know everything so much that knowing everything allows us to form our own opinions about everything around us…Because if we really "remembered" everything when we were babies, we would know the exact truth about everything and what fun would that be? We wouldn't have to be afforded the "right" to form our own opinions because we'd all know the truth about everything so differences of opinions would be null and void…
if only we could've communicated…
that's the catch…
So the next time you're looking down at a baby, maybe you should skip the baby talk and ask he or she what the meaning of life is? Or maybe ask him or her the really important questions that all of us that have lost knowledge are really interested in: Was the Janet Jackson Halftime Tittie show an accident or on purpose…
And then laugh because you can now realize that the little shit that everyone is so concerned with isn't even important in the big picture…And the picture is huge…At least in my eyes…I just wish I could see the big picture through the eyes of a child…
Goo-goo…ga-ga…
My ink is bleeding…Its bleeding through the paper that I write on every single night…And the reason that it is bleeding is because I’m an emotional hemophiliac…(ok…I lie…I don’t write every night…I write a lot though…You’ll all read it I’m sure as soon as I turn my back…Why the fuck have I even brought it to the table? For everyone to devour…The blood is on the table…
I’m actually glad that I never got cable…Idiot box…Idiots chase box…They don’t want a truly good channel that they’ll never get sick of watching…that’s why I don’t watch much of anything…Except for people…I really enjoy people watching…Especially if you end up sneaking a glance at someone that’s doing the exact same thing…It is enjoyable because then you both quickly look away to the floor or the ceiling because each of you knows what the other was doing…But people watching just adds to the charge that’s wired for the future I think…
I find myself apologizing a lot…Maybe not in actual words to actual people, but trust me, I do…Trust…Wow…that’s a very intense thing to ask of someone…Especially if you don’t “really” know me…Does anyone? Some may claim, some may wish, some may doubt…hate to piss on your parade, but you don’t…I still can’t believe what a phony I am…I’m Howdy…Pull my strings…I’ll always be the whore…I hate being a whore…I’ll always be a whore…The worst part of being a whore is not getting anything back…I’m a phony whore…but you’ll have that…And that’s the only way you will have it…
Make the whore bleed…
If I could find a way for words to actually bleed, I would do it in a heartbeat…Words need to bleed because of all the pain they cause…Even if they don’t realize they do it, they deserve to bleed…Like me…and my ink…
If I could find a way to make people bleed on the inside (without having to stab them with a dull butter knife), I wouldn’t bat an eyelash…Or wave a bat…Bleeding cleanses (either in the literal sense or the emotional sense that I’ve made up in my own head to help convince you all that I have everything together still…Or convince you of the total opposite…Who the fuck knows…Only you…
Have you ever heard stories of those people that cut themselves? I find that very fascinating…I’ve cut myself…Papercuts hurt like a bitch though…I must’ve been doing it wrong…Maybe if I poured vinegar in the wound, I would understand a little better why some people hurt themselves…Cut…Cut…Cut…Bleed…Bleed…Bleed…
I do understand…
”I’m very complex”…
Nuh-uh…I’m not…I’m normal…Everyone else is simple…So can you read me? Do you want to read me? Do you want to understand the inner workings of my mind? I don’t think you do and if you did, you wouldn’t have the balls to try and help…Although I’m sure you’d offer your assistance…there’s no help…
I bought a very large bottle of pills the other night…Just in case…In case I can’t find the door handle…
(Insert your concern here…Put a finger to your brow as if that helps you think better and wonder if I’m joking or being totally serious…Scratch your head and keep going through the turnstile that you’ve created for yourself and I will do the same…I’m running out of tokens though…Just though I’d let you know…
But don’t worry…I’ve sort of come to grips with everything…(And when I say everything, I mean absolutely nothing makes sense to me…)
A few weeks ago I wrote about different types of singers…I don’t really care how you took that rant because I’m an insensitive fuck…Why did I write that rant? Was it (as all other rants) a cry for help or just a line that I dropped in hopes that someone would take the bait? What do you think? You know me…You all know how I bleed…I’ve shown you…I’ve cut myself for all of you…
Let the blood flow…
I still don’t understand why I can make so many other fluids come out of me but the mixture that needs to come out the most is holding back so I can finally go surfing on a good sized wave...
So what should I do? Cut myself? With what? A knife? Scissors? Dis’ pair or despair? Nah…I’m not gonna’ do anything like that…
You wanna’ change me? You wanna’ make me your motherfuckin’ whipping boy? I’m close…to some people…
Do you think that if you type too much it causes you to bleed in your wrists and hands thus leading to an abnormal flow of blood to those body parts which in turn opens the door to a couple of guys in the future named Carpal and Tunnel?…Do you think that if you think too much, your brain gets a flood of blood that drowns the “normal” cells that you do have if you have any normal cells in the first place? If your normal cells are gone, then you have to rely on your “abnormal” cells (classified by the majority) and people look at you differently when you spe! ak your mind even though you don’t really speak your mind? Your abnormal cells get you thinking too much and figure there’s no more reason to go on thinking when all of the other normal cells that are out there in the world will do nothing but scorn them…So you have a stroke…Or you develop a new friend that becomes the unwanted roommate…He moves all of his things into your place, wrecks it, eats all of your food, and steals your porn…Or whatever…Fuckin’ tumor…I have a headache…
Don’t talk to me…
I’m tired of listening…
Its about time for the couch…I know, I know…”You should really sleep on a bed, Chris”…Beds make me wiggy…If I can stretch out and be comfortable, I may be able to relax and breathe…But if I’m not used to breathing that much, won’t that make me bleed inside? Oh,who cares…I’m bleeding enough anyway…
So what the fuck is my problem exactly? I’d really like to know…
I’m asking for opinions…
Why have I convinced myself that I’ll be a permanent donor for all others that need it…Who’s gonna’ be my donor? I’m asking…Do you want to change me? Would you want to help me (if in fact, I need help?)…I think you’re just as scared as I am facing your reality…I’ll always be fucked…Change me…Change me mind…Make me think a little more…Make me deny the theory of the normal cells and drown the whole scenario with new blood…Fresh blood…I want your blood…I wanna’ see if you bleed…Who am I kidding…I see everyone bleed…All of the time…Bloody rags…There’s one difference…The wounds that you’ve opened up, I’ve discovered because you’re a hypochondriac…You’ve made a wound and said “Look…I’m bleeding”…You’ve described all of the symptoms to me…Every motherfuckin’ one of you…(well, maybe not everyone of you…but most)…
Let’s operate…With a thought…With a pen…with some paper…
I operate every night…But my hands aren’t clean
This week’s rant:
Not a rant at all…
Totally a rave…
What a refreshing day…(even though I was tired and a little drunk last night…I know…On a Monday…Tuesday thru Sunday are usually my drinking nights…)
I’ll tell you why…
As a fluke, I heard that one of my favorite bands was playing at the Longhorn in Toledo last night…
Tom and A-Hole went with me to see the show…
Totally cool guys…Not Tom or A-Hole…Everyone knows they’re dicks like me…
I’ve always been afraid of meeting people that I respect on a very large scale in fear of them being assholes and ruining everything for me…
It didn’t happen…
Down to earth…
I just wanted to say thank you to them…
Check out http://www.diffuseronline.com
…Then buy their albums…
Now!
So I took a week off from doing the rants…Sue me…I don’t have anything to give you anyway…In more ways than one…
For one…
I’d like to say “congrats” to Spank on getting married last weekend…I had a good time at the wedding…Hope everything is good for you in your years to come…You’ve always been a great friend, a good time, and someone that could always make me smile…
Saw some old faces, some new faces, and some faces that wouldn’t look me in the face…But you’ll have that when you’re! an ultra-cool, egotistical rockstar that everyone will point at…
I also enjoyed the fact that some people called me Mark McGrath…It was fun…
And…Thanks to whoever “needed” me in the pile of desperation when Spank had to throw the garter…Luckily, I didn’t catch it…Or any diseases that night…
Looks…A lot of weird looks…
A lot of booze…A lot of fun…
On to the rant…
Ladies let me tell you about myself…Afghan…
I’m a gentleman…What am I?
I’m a lover of quotes that make me sit up and take notice…I’m a lover of thoughts that make me think…I’m a lover of myself at least 2 times a day…(maybe more depending if I watch Oprah or not)…
I’ve devoted the first couple of pages in the new edition of Dear diary to fun and exciting blurbs that I find amusing…
What really chaps my ass though is that I’ve totally come to the realization that “singers” come from 2 different molds…(it doesn’t really chap my ass…I’m making this up as I go…)
All thinking, believing,! and seeing the same things…Just projecting what the outcome of the thoughts, beliefs, and visions are different…
Type A Singer-
Is a very deep, spiritual person that lets emotions get in the way when it comes to being realistic of even the most trivial things…is a romantic at heart but can’t seem to allow himself to give everything he has to one girl…He is the quintessential rockstar…Cocky, arrogant, and shallow although he is insecure in his own ways that baffle the people around him because they truly know how he is…He is usually a fun guy that doesn’t sweat small shit in order to leave stress to the minds of those that allow themselves to “have stress”…he is caring in most ways, out in left field on other days, and hates himself on the inside not ever really knowing why…Type A singer also enjoys drinking…A lot…And I shouldn’t neglect to mention that Type A Singer is a pervert, actor, lover, comedian, and puppeteer…Type A singer usually shows the exact opposite of what ! he is feeling when he is the life of the party…He is miserable deep down but doesn’t want anyone to see it because he is an enigma wrapped inside a puzzle made by Disney…he desperately wants attention (and will most likely do anything for a laugh) but not “too much”…If too much attention is given, then people are prying…If not enough is given, no one cares about him…Type A is a good listener and is genuinely a decent human being even if he doesn’t believe so himself…He claims that he wants to be happy but is sure that it will never happen so he goes on being the slapstick singer always hiding the truth…
Type B singer-
Backward, dark, and brooding…he is a romantic at heart but has been fucked over so many times that he deliberately tries to fuck the evil out of women due to past loves that have wrecked his emotional construct…he mostly keeps to himself not even letting his bandmates in half of the time…He most likely hates his upbringing and feels that by becoming a ! rockstar will make up for anything that was missing growing up whether it be revenge for those that excluded him, any way to give pride back to the family, or just to break out of the norm…Type B singer hides a lot of his feelings because paranoia is not a city in Vietnam…He drinks a lot and thinks on a deeper level than most people around him…One of his only releases is on stage (other than alcohol and women)…Type B singer also hates himself and is positive that he’ll never be truly happy hence the outer shade of misery that is presented…He is the backward, dark, brooding singer, remember? This gentlemen also finds ways to ignore grief by ignoring it…Its just that easy…type b singer will cover up inadequacies by falling into the same rockstar trap as many before him…Sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll…death…Attaching a buxom beauty to his hip to show how “happy” he really is…But he’ll never be happy…
Then there’s Type C…
The singer that d! oesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about even though he knows exactly what he’s talking about…
Ok…I made this all up…It was all a joke…I know I probably left some things out…Like more jokes…I’ll add more next week maybe…
Happy Birthday to me…
Can’t wait to see what you got me…
Think I’ll go have a drink…